Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together as he wants to save...

150 replies

Ace56 · 15/10/2019 20:43

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both in our late twenties. For various reasons I moved back home with my parents about a year ago (before this, was living with a friend). He is also living back with his parents and has been since he graduated uni. So we see each other on weekends.

We are now saving to buy a house, and are obviously able to save quite a lot since we are both living at home. The thing is, in order to save for a full deposit, it will take another 2 1/2 to 3 years, by which time I will be over 30. I REALLY don’t want to be over 30 and still living with my parents...I want to live with him and move forward as a couple, even if that means renting and saving less every month. We have talked about marriage, children etc, so we both see the relationship as long term.

He, however, thinks that renting together would be mad as our savings would be so low, and that he would rather live at home for another few years in order to be secure in the long term.

AIBU to want to live with him sooner rather than later, so we can start to build a life together, even though it means it will take longer to buy a house? We have talked about it and he understands my point of view, but his reply was basically “well I’m not stopping you moving out if you want - move back in with your friend if you don’t want to live with your parents. But I want to continue to save as I am doing for our future.” (I have rephrased but that was the gist of it).

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 15/10/2019 23:32

Much as I love my DS I don't know if I would want him still living at home at 30.

Is it possible to live together in something like a flat share, so you can still save some money but at least start having a life independent from your parents?

waterrat · 15/10/2019 23:36

What happened to living life in the moment??? I feel so sad reading people recommending that someone in their late twenties spends three years delaying enjoying an actual adult life.

At a certain point don't you want to be living as an adult ..not with your parents ???

waterrat · 15/10/2019 23:38

Rather than worrying about what it is like living with him I think I'd be much more concerned that he just wants to put enjoying an adult freedom on hold for so long. At your age two or three years is such a long time

lookingforaunicorn · 16/10/2019 00:00

Personally, I see lots of red flags here. I've just got out of a 2.5 year relationship (I'm 30) where he wouldnt live with me for financial reasons either.... I think it's a cop out, an excuse and selfish. He wouldn't even consider what I wanted! He kept saying 'maybe this time next year we can think about it'. Empty promises.
If he's not ready to start a life with you and make you happy or at least compromise, I'd reevaluate what kind of man you'd like.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 16/10/2019 00:04

Don't waste your 20s saving and putting your life on hold! Life is for living, I certainly wouldn't have been content living at home like a teenager! Its all a bit joyless and passionless isn't it? I'm 50 now I'm so glad I didn't waste my youth sitting on my arse at home with mum being sensible.

ChasingRainbows19 · 16/10/2019 00:07

5 years together before we bought a house nearly 6 actually. Never lived together. 3 years later closer than ever it's fine. Sometimes it just works and you know it will. Can see the sensible side tbh. Buying a house is expensive and it'll take longer if you both rent...

PurpleTigerLove · 16/10/2019 00:15

I moved back home at 27 to save to get married and build a house . Dh moved back home in his mid twenties . We dated for 5 years before getting married and living together .
My dh was able to save enough to build our house mortgage free at 31. Not the most exciting start to a life together but my goodness it’s paid off almost twenty years later . We’ve never ever in twenty years together had any money worries . Perhaps he sees you being together forever and doesn’t want to start off with a lot of debt .
What can’t you do together while dating and living apart that you can’t do now ? He sounds very sensible to me .

cuddlymunchkin · 16/10/2019 00:19

It sounds to me like putting your life on hold - and for 2/3 years! A pp said that wasn't a long time and it would "fly by" - er, no it won't!

If he isn't prioritising his life with you by actually STARTING a life with you, then you are left seriously questioning your own choices now. He has made his decision clear. Are you happy to put your life on hold and continue as you are? If so, great. Personally, I'd be asking myself hard questions about what you really mean to him.

PurpleTigerLove · 16/10/2019 00:19

Living together isn’t the only way to have a relationship. Too many people jump straight into living together without knowing the other person very well. It’s no surprise that so many relationships break up and usually when there are children involved . Take your time , life’s a marathon not a sprint .

PurpleTigerLove · 16/10/2019 00:20

Why on earth is her life on hold just because they don’t live together? So they move in together and suddenly she’s living ? I don’t understand that mentality.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 16/10/2019 00:25

How on earth would it take 3 years for two adults living with their parents to save for a deposit? Neither of you are that bothered if yous are saving at such a snails pace; unless you're looking to buy something ridiculous or in London of course!

PickAChew · 16/10/2019 00:30

He's being sensible from a money point of view but not from a can you stand each other's company at close quarters 24/7 pov.

Iflyaway · 16/10/2019 00:31

He's either insane or just not that into you..or he likes his mum doing all his laundry and doesn't want to give up the cushy life. Either way, you need to consider if you can keep going like this.Remember, you don't truly get to know someone until you live with them. You might invest another 3 years in this relationship to find out he treats you as his skivvy

I agree with this.

notangelinajolie · 16/10/2019 00:45

… and living together first is a guarantee than everything is going to work out - rubbish, it just reduces the risk a bit. I'd rather commit to someone who has a long term plan over someone who wants to shack up together for a trial run.

Seriously, I think your boyfriend sounds very sensible and I think he has a point. Wanting a nice rosy life now is all well and good but think how much nicer it will be in your own home? What better start to life together could there be? And looking further ahead you will be in a better position to start a family than if you were stuck renting.

You need to think carefully about this, if you are not of the same mindset then it's probably best to call it quits now. If you aren't on the same page regarding such a big thing as this (and you don't get much bigger than living together, managing money and buying houses) then I can't see how you are compatible.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 16/10/2019 00:55

If you were my daughter I'd think that he's just a boyfriend of 18 months and perhaps you could think more about what you want yourself from life. Enjoy some holidays etc in the coming year and get to know each other more. There's no need for a 5 year plan at the moment. In another year you could change your mind yourself.
Watch out for how much he respects you, how mature he is emotionally, how he reacts when things aren't going his way. Living together can bring all this to the fore. If you're not going to live together for a few years, be vigilant of the small signs now.

ScotsinOz · 16/10/2019 05:07

@BlueBirdGreenFence That’s what I wondered - why would it take 3 years for two adults living rent/bill free to save up a decent deposit?

How much are you hoping to save @Ace56? I agree with saving as much as you can, but I would be concerned that you’ll never actually buy together - what if he decides he has enough to buy himself and doesn’t want to live with you unless you pay rent to him? Or he decides to purchase a property and rents it out, whilst remaining at his parents? Also if you’ve both saved a lot from living with parents he may be reluctant to rent with you as he sees this as a waste.

The only upshot is that even if this relationship does not work out, you’ll have saved a decent deposit and hopefully will be able to purchase a property yourself. Good luck.

ShippingNews · 16/10/2019 05:12

I wonder what both of your parents would think about this. I've got adult children and frankly I'd be aghast at the idea of them living with me into their 30's.

Fatted · 16/10/2019 05:21

I can understand his point of view.

But I live with a woman who could be your future MIL OP. Her son still lives with her and he's late 20s, saving for a house, in a relationship etc . She still makes his packed lunch for work every day amongst other things I think a grown man should be more than capable of doing himself by that age.

Tread carefully OP.

Durgasarrow · 16/10/2019 05:37

Are you talking about marriage as well as buying property together? If you are going to get financially entangled, you would be better off being married.

Divebar · 16/10/2019 05:46

I wonder what both of your parents would think about this. I've got adult children and frankly I'd be aghast at the idea of them living with me into their 30's

I agree with this. I don’t think it matters how many chores you do around the house if you are living with your parents in your 20s you will be in the “ adult / child” dynamic. And I don’t understand the idea that it’s the same sort of relationship either way.Its inevitably more inhibited... who would be having wild sex knowing their parents were in the house? I think one of you needs to be living away from the home in order to have a chance of a proper adult relationship. The problem is that if that’s you he will be saving more than you with no guarantee that he will actually want to buy with you when push comes to shove.

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2019 05:52

Have you talked to both sets of parents about this. And I mean both of you talk to both sets. What's their opinion?

Teacher22 · 16/10/2019 06:03

It sounds as if the boyfriend is prudent and sensible. The OP has stated that he fends for himself at home and does his share of chores so he is not lazy or useless either. He sounds like a gem compared with many of the OHs mentioned on Mumsnet. He has even had the sense to say that the pair of them would rent to decide compatibility before buying.

What is more, several posters have stated how it is impossible to save in rentals and that it is common to have to move frequently to avoid rent hikes. It seems worse in terms of independence than living with supportive parents.

This sounds like a real life example of the Stanford marshmallow test whereby a marshmallow is put in front of a small child. They are told that if they leave it when the adult leaves the room they can have two when the adult returns. Tracked in later life, those who were able to delay gratification, did much better than those who ate the sweet.

OP, you think it is more grown up to get on with life but, in this case, it is an adult trait to delay gratification for the larger reward. Here , never being able to afford to buy a house with the boyfriend is a punishment for enacting ‘act in haste, repent at leisure’.

Potnoodledoo · 16/10/2019 06:07

How about a houseshare.You can live together and still save.

The thing that gets me,is you only see each other on weekends.Do you never see each other during the week.Or stay over.

I thinks hes hedging his bets,and stringing you along.If he really wanted to be with you,he would move in to your parents house.Even if it was a temporary solution.

Maneandfeathers · 16/10/2019 06:25

We stayed at home and saved, I’m glad we didn’t waste on renting as we now have a fair bit of equity in the house.

However I don’t really understand how combined it would take 3 years! Quite a few new build properties only require 5% and the standard is only 10%. How much are you planning on buying?

KatherineJaneway · 16/10/2019 06:37

YANBU. While it seems sensible what he is proposing at first glance, I would not be happy at all. You are putting your lives on hold and saving for a house you might never buy. 2.5 to 3 years of saving when you don't even know you are compatible living together is madness. To be honest if my partner suggested this, I'd assume they didn't really want to be with me.