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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Devastated

41 replies

anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 12:34

May I have some outside pespective please.
I am estranged from my family and over the years have tried many times to end the separation with little success. However after another go trying to connect I was told my brother had died some months previously . I asked why i was not told or at least invited to the funeral but no one will reply. I love all my family and have done much to help them out. I feel so hurt as i truly have not done anything terrible .

OP posts:
crosser62 · 15/10/2019 12:40

But what have you done?
Whatever it is it seems to them enough to cut you off entirely.

roundaboutnow · 15/10/2019 12:41

That's really awful and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Personally, if I were you, I would be unable to forgive them for not telling me about the death of my brother and would no longer want a relationship with them after that. Even if you do not speak that's something you should be told about straight away.

Is there a reason you are estranged? Do you live a long distance from them?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/10/2019 12:42

To be honest, I wouldn't expect estranged family to tell you about a death. I appreciate this has hurt you and you feel you haven't done anything awful, but most people struggle with going low or no contact, and don't do it without a good reason.

Do you know what they believe you to have done?

puremagic · 15/10/2019 12:43

Op. I'm so sorry. That is terrible. If the family is unhealthy enough to sustain the estrangement then it's perhaps likely that no one had the personal skills to think letting you know about your brother. Very sad.

Original poster
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 12:46

I have 4 siblings who in turn became drug addicts, alchoholics and criminals. I bailed them out, paid their bills, looked after their children etc. I did argue with them when their behaviour impacted on our elderly parents who died.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 15/10/2019 12:49

Sounds like you are much better off without them in your life. Why would you want tot return to a time when you have to deal with their shit? Sorry to hear your brother died but I wouldn't make that an excuse to try engaging with the others. I'd stay well away from them.

roundaboutnow · 15/10/2019 12:49

So they don't speak to you because you don't tolerate their behaviour.

Honestly, they don't seem like people you need in your life. I would forget about them.

musicposy · 15/10/2019 12:49

That's desperately sad for you, but if you really have tried everything and can't get anywhere with any of them, even approaching them individually, I think you have to move on. Keeping trying to end the separation is just going to keep reopening the wound if you're not going to get anywhere.
I think all you can do is build a life without them. Keep busy, fill your life with other things. Hopefully you have some close friends who can help bridge the gap. Flowers

BirdyTweet · 15/10/2019 12:50

Jayzus! Leave them to their drug / alcohol addled mess and get on with your own life, try to be happy without them. Thanks

Original poster
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 12:51

Thank you for your kind responses. I will probably keep trying because i had great parents and i think that is what they would want. I am the eldest and have done really well in life, my siblings have had a tougher time. The crunch came when I didnt even get a christmas card from them. I guess i complained too much about what they were doing. But i love them and they have never seemed to care about me except when they needed something.

OP posts:
musicposy · 15/10/2019 12:51

Reading your update, I really do think you need to find a way to move on. I can't see how contacting them is going to lead to any happiness, sorry.

FookMeFookYou · 15/10/2019 12:56

They are addicts and this means they will take advantage of anyone or anything to feed that addiction because it is numero uno.

You have tried to guide them, you have tried to help them. You are not duty bound to focus anymore attention on them - after all they are adults now. If they can't sort their shit out for their own children, what makes you think they will do it for you? You could offer them the moon on a stick and it still wouldn't be enough.

Honestly, get on with your life. Enjoy your success. You've done everything you can.

Original poster
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 13:01

I must say that you all seem like very sensible people and i would be foolish to ask and then not act on the advice. Thank you. You have made a difference.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 15/10/2019 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutnow · 15/10/2019 13:05

Good luck @anniemac1 I hope you can find happiness without them Smile

Original poster
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 13:08

It is such a shaming thing to be rejected that one always thinks they are the only one it has happened to. People expected for you to be the one thats rejected that you are the criminal, abuser or something, not the only one out of 5 siblings who is actually quite a good person.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 15/10/2019 13:08

I’m sorry your siblings have turned out like this and it’s caused you so much upset, but you are better off without them in your life

I’m sorry you weren’t given the opportunity to attend your brothers funeral, but, it is probably actually for the best. It might have got pretty ugly.

Don’t dwell on what your parents would have wanted. If they were decent people they would have wanted your brothers’ behaviour to be different, NOT for you to ‘make it all work out ok’

As sad as it is that things are different, you’d be better to get in with your life without them screwing it up. 🌷

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 15/10/2019 13:09

Hi OP,
I have 2 younger siblings who are drug addicts, 1 of whom I support financially to some degree and the other who is supported by other family members. It's incredibly tough and it's never easy to know how to deal with their issues and what support to offer.

Finding out that your brother died has likely set off a lot of emotion, thoughts about if you'd done enough over the years as the oldest sibling to support them rather than judging them etc.
But you've done your best, you always did what you thought was the best and unfortunately when they tread this path there's not a lot any of us can do to help.

I know you must fear that the rest of your family will also end up being dead well before their time and I'm sure it's not a nice feeling. But you just have to let them live their lives. If they live long enough they will eventually try to get back in contact because it will mean that something has changed. You can't wait for that though, you can only get on with living your life and making your parents proud.

Sorry for your loss and the other struggles.

AnneKipanki · 15/10/2019 13:10

I would not have anything more to do with them .

HollowTalk · 15/10/2019 13:10

Your parents have died and all of your siblings are drug addicts and criminals who wouldn't even tell you that someone in the family had died.

Honestly, OP, you will be dragged down if you get in touch with them again. They will want money from you at the very least.

It sounds as though you've been good to them. Leave it at that and don't be tempted to think that just because you are related, they are deep-down good people. They're not.

FeckOffGraham · 15/10/2019 13:12

Ah sorry to read this op. I would cut my losses and move on. I really wouldn't try to reconcile now. Wait for them to make the first move. Maybe they won't and that's sad, but I still think you're fighting a losing battle if you keep trying and get nothing back.

Mumof21989 · 15/10/2019 13:13

That's awful but it's more of an issue with them than you. Sounds like they have chosen to put the blame on you and are in denial. Very sad but you can't always help others and you have to put the yourself first more. I hope you have some kinder people around you. So sorry you have lost a brother though. Xx

Original poster
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 13:14

I could not have had a kinder and more reasonable response from all of you. Bless you.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 15/10/2019 13:20

I am sorry to hear about your loss .TBH I think you are not going to get very far with them now ,you have done all you can for them .They are probably jealous of you and your success .

Ellisandra · 15/10/2019 13:20

I think you would benefit from talking to a support charity for families of addicts.

The common mantra is the three Cs:
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.

You may need to accept that you can do nothing Sad

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