Devastated

[anniemac1]

May I have some outside pespective please.
I am estranged from my family and over the years have tried many times to end the separation with little success. However after another go trying to connect I was told my brother had died some months previously . I asked why i was not told or at least invited to the funeral but no one will reply. I love all my family and have done much to help them out. I feel so hurt as i truly have not done anything terrible .

anniemac1 I can relate somewhat to how you are feeling.

I have been NC - my decision - with my very toxic family for almost 30 years. I was the illegitimate - definitely not acceptable in 1950's Irish Catholic families. My mother saw me as a nuisance once she married and they had their own DC. I hardly lived with them as was passed around various relatives who didn't really want me either.

Once I married and after I had my own child I realised just how toxic my relationship with them was so I cut every one of them from my life. ( I had one half sister who was ok but she became a casualty of the situation as i refused to place her in an awkward situation.)

I haven't seen or heard from any of them since but was very sad to discover the above half sister died in her early 50's. I discovered this via the internet as I used to casually google them every so often. I have no idea why she died, whether she was buried/cremated or where her remains are which does still somewhat distress me 4 years later but do I miss the rest of them? Hell no!

My advice would be to allow yourself to grieve in your own way for your deceased brother but to stay well away from the rest of them. They will bring you nothing but further heartache. ☹️

I will probably keep trying because i had great parents and i think that is what they would want.

Please don't - what you parents would want is for you to be happy, & not bogged down by responding to druggy/financial dramas or being on the periphery of criminal behaviour.

You have managed without your sibings so far. I understand it hurts to be excluded from the sad news of your brother's death - but genuinely - there is no benefit in you attempting to continue contact. You will just be sucked into an emotional seesaw, & used to bail poeple out who have not bothered to ever look out for you.

Oh god I am so sorry. No matter how awful they were, of course that loss would sting.

I would cut them off without a second thought, as I would anyone who brought pain and misery into my life. I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt about it either, they've chosen their path in life, leave them to it.

I could have written your post OP. I had 4 brothers, one was ok, the rest were like yours. They called me stuck up, simply because I'm an average decent person, I totally distanced myself. I'm old now, at least one of them has died, it's irrelevant to me, I don't believe that you have to love people because you're related.

People only get my love and respect if they deserve it and plenty do, including all my lovely in laws, who have been the family I never had.

Please try to move on OP, don't waste your time on regrets, you may care, but they won't.

OP you've done what you've done because you love them and you want them (and their children) to be OK. I suspect they see it differently. Either:

Your success makes them resentful and jealous
or
they see what you're doing as rubbing their noses in it
or
they see what you're doing as playing Lady Bountiful to make them feel bad
or
they think you're interfering with their lives which they see as you being bossy and they don't need/want it.

So this isn't about what you've done, it's about their perception of what you've done. You can't change them, you can only change how you feel about it. They've chosen different life paths to you, and you have to let them. Live your own life, be there for them if they ask, but don't do any more.

@anniemac1 are you in contact with other members of the family, aunts, uncles etc...? People that could still keep you in the loop on what’s going in with your siblings?

Unfortunately, I agree with PP. You cant change them, they only, can change themselves and the way they look at the situation.
You need to let go.
They are your siblings, not your dcs and therefore not your responsibility as such. Being there for them, as much you can, is one thing. Feeling responsible for them and their wellbeing is Another

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I couldn’t read and not post a comment. I have not been able to read all the posts but one thing I noticed is that you are the oldest. I am the oldest and I’ve been the one blamed for family problems and my sister barely speaks to me five years after an argument. I know what you mean about shame.
I’m just so sorry you lost your brother and it’s terrible to find out in this way. For now try to allow yourself to grieve and be kind to yourself. You’ve had a loss- it’s compounded by this awful family situation but it’s all to much to process at once.
I hope you have a good day and find some kindness.

OP. I know it is said that blood is thicker than water, but from what you have written then it seems to be in your favour that the blood supply has been cut off.
I can imagine that it's hard not having a family to share life with, but sometimes life is better without.
You have done nothing to beat yourself up for from what you say, so try to move on and enjoy living your life in the way that you deem fit.
You could try to keep a line open by dropping them a card at xmas. If they contact you, then fine, but if not at least you can say that you tried.

It is such a shaming thing to be rejected that one always thinks they are the only one it has happened to. People expected for you to be the one thats rejected that you are the criminal, abuser or something, not the only one out of 5 siblings who is actually quite a good person

THSI!!! ^

I am in the same position as you, and like you I feel ashamed when I should have no need to. I rarely tell anyone that my three siblings won't have anything to do with me, because like you, I can feel them thinking that I must be the Evil One.

I don't want to go into what is really horrible detail, but we had dreadful childhoods, and I especially because I was the family scapegoat. I've learned since that this is very common - for a dysfunctional family to have even a semblance of functionality, a single individual is blamed for everything that happens that is wrong. It was me.

Perhaps it is the same with you, too - I don't know, because our family situations are different - but it can lead to this one person (who usually does everything in their power to make things "right" - as I did, and as it seems you did, too) being kept on the outskirts all of their lives.

This enables the others to have a common ground of complaint, which helps them to keep together. It's a survival mechanism for them, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.

I have learned to let it go (most of the time), but like you, I dread learning that one of them has died, and I am the last person to know. It would break my heart.

Does it help to frame it in terms of them rejecting the things you stand for, rather than you personally? So being successful, clean, responsible, respectable? They have made their choices, as we all do, and sometimes the only way to justify those choices is by rejecting the alternative.

I’m so sorry, and hope you can find the strength to walk away. They seem to bring you nothing but sadness and negative emotion, so perhaps it is time to accept that you cannot change things if they don’t want to change, and carry on to live the best life you can and honour your parents in that way. Best of luck.

I’m so sorry that you learnt of the bereavement in this way. You sound lovely , with a well developed sense of responsibility. They will despise you for it, and play upon it. Walk away, don’t look back.my family is like this too, I’ve been clearing up their shit for years. Then someone pointed out that I was actually enabling the behaviour, and at huge personal cost. The relief since I stopped has been incredible. Your parents would not want you to sacrifice yourself, any more than you wanted that for them. Your siblings are grownups, not a little flock of chicks for you to take care of. Love yourself it feels strange and scary at first but you do get used to it.

I'm really sorry that this has happened. One little bit of wisdom that I was taught by a very wise friend that may help you - she told me that it wasn't my responsibility to fix everyone else's problems. I am naturally a "fixer" and often ended up exhausted, drained and STILL being blamed for not doing "enough" by a bipolar and unpredictable sister. Cutting ties on the death of our parents was the best thing I could have done, for MY mental health.

I think your ties have already been cut, so why would you open pandora's box? Are you mourning the relationship you actually had with your brother, or are you mourning the one you wished you had? Both are equally valid and something you probably need to talk about.

You are all correct. Being the eldest i always felt i had the responsibility to set a good example, stand up for them, take care of them if they needed help. Also they were the most lovely children you could meet.I left home and it all seemed to dissolve. By the time I found out things they were separating from me. Perhaps it is my distorted view and they have enough to deal with without me banging on Just so unneccesary. Such a waste.

Sometimes we have to let people get on with whatever choices they make. Including cutting us out if they want to. It feels wrong but there’s no gain in being upset about other people’s choices. Just make sure that you have nice friends around you.

I think you would benefit from some counselling.

I'm sorry for how you found out about your brother's death, it must have been a shock.