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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for mature, sensible strategies for dealing with this?

83 replies

Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:11

I can't quite believe I'm posting this. I have an issue which I don't know how to address.

I am not allowed to share good news with my SIL. She gets upset and blocks me on social media. Anything at all - buying our first flat, getting a new job, a promotion, moving abroad, even getting a new roof or adopting DDog Confused she will block me for anything from a few hours to a few months, then start sending messages where we last left off as though nothing has happened. If a major life event has happened and it's not about her, her DC or her family, she doesn't want to know.

I usually like to tell people things face to face but as we live in a different country, digital communications have to do. I don't want to keep huge parts of my life to myself just because of geography. I can't trust DH to share any news as he will forget more often than not.

DH says to ignore it, he's spoken to his brother who says his DW just "gets funny" sometimes, so I suspect that there may be some mental health issues at play? Either way, I feel like I have to make an effort for the sake of family harmony.

A little while ago we announced a pregnancy, our first DC. I tried to send SIL a message about Christmas arrangements this morning only to find that I have, once again, been blocked. I don't know when this happened.

I am very hurt this time, if it transpires that I've been blocked for being pregnant. She has 2 DC of her own so I am baffled and angered by this ridiculous situation. I've been very weepy the last few days so I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

AIBU to ask what a sensible, mature, balanced response to this is? I can't quite believe that I've allowed it to go on for this long, but I am naturally adverse to any kind of conflict or confrontation.

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 15/10/2019 10:14

There is no sensible mature balanced response to this behaviour.

I would not re-engage. Life's too short. Just cos she's "family" doesn't mean she gets to treat you like this and you have to take it!

Does she do it to other members of the family or just you?

Blurby · 15/10/2019 10:14

Such a difficult one but you have a couple of options, however, both lead to a certain level of confrontation.

Play her at her own game and delete her from fb entirely and when she inevitably asks why, explain. Or simply just ask her why she does it?

mbosnz · 15/10/2019 10:16

I think I'd give up on trying to engage with her, and tell DH to make arrangements via his brother. He's just going to have to get more pro-active with his family, rather than you doing it, because he forgets.

Pandaintheporridge · 15/10/2019 10:18

Maybe you should confer with the OP of this thread, another Facebook blocking sil of a pg woman!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3717920-SIL-blocked-DH-and-I-on-Facebook?watched=1&msgid=90826900#90826900

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2019 10:18

If she's repeatedly doing this, why are you repeatedly sending her messages? I just wouldn't communicate with her directly at all. Just don't have her on any of your SM accounts. It doesn't matter if she doesn't get the 'memo' about your life does it?

Grambler · 15/10/2019 10:19

Can you block someone that's blocked you? If so - do it Grin She'll be furious when she comes to unblock you to find you gone.

Other than that you can't live your life trying second guess what you've done now to upset her. It's definitely her problem not yours.

AwkwardFucker · 15/10/2019 10:20

Honestly, I think I would outright ask her when she decides to unblock you.
“SIL, why do you keep blocking me? I’m not sure what I’ve done to offend you but I keep going to message you and find myself blocked, once again. It is very confusing. If you have a problem I’d rather you just talked to me about it than block me and leave me wondering what I’ve done. If it happens again, don’t bother unblocking me as I assume you no longer want to be a part of our lives”.

Or just a simple, “why do you keep blocking me!?” with a confused emoji.

Original poster
Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:21

poorbuthappy

At first I did worry that it was just me, but it seems that she does this with other family members as well.

OP posts:
Rainwilds · 15/10/2019 10:21

She must have to friend request you again if she keeps blocking you. Just don’t accept it!

Breathlessness · 15/10/2019 10:24

Just ignore it. She does it with other people too so it’s not personal.

Original poster
Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:24

Soontobe60

If she's repeatedly doing this, why are you repeatedly sending her messages?

I suppose I fall into a false sense of security and think that she's over whatever was going on. And as I said, avoid conflict like the plague. Blush

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 15/10/2019 10:26

You give her too much headspace op. She cares zero jots about you /your life.
About time you returned those feelings.
Block her for your mh.
And ignore.
Let dh deal with her if he so chooses.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

mauvaisereputation · 15/10/2019 10:26

Honestly, I wouldn't do anything. Her DH has indicated that this is stemming from some personal/MH issues and has nothing to do with you personally. She's not being aggressive or horrible, she's just avoiding you on social media (are you sure she's not de-activating her accounts rather than blocking you, in case that would make a difference to how you feel?). I can understand that it's hurtful, but I would say that it is clearly not intended to hurt and that it's a coping strategy she has, for problems whose extent you don't know. If you confront her about it, it's not like she's going to turn round and congratulate you -- you'll just lose the cordial but distant relationship you have.

Original poster
Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:28

Pandaintheporridge

How bizarre! Maybe there's something in the water Hmm

OP posts:
anniemac1 · 15/10/2019 10:28

spot on.

Likethebattle · 15/10/2019 10:30

When she appears back just block her.

Hederex · 15/10/2019 10:32

I would assume there's something going on with her mental health if she's doing it to everyone. Jealousy, self esteem, who knows?
I'd keep posting what you like and just ignore.

amicissimma · 15/10/2019 10:34

Under 'Privacy Settings' in Facebook, click on 'Who can see your future posts?' and add her. Then she won't see what you're posting so won't be upset by it.

If you choose to share news with her by other means, take care, taking into account how she might react.

Otherwise, give her no more headspace. Provided you're not ramming 'upsetting news' down her throat, it's her problem, for her to deal with.

amicissimma · 15/10/2019 10:35

Sorry, I wasn't clear: add her to 'Friends, Except'.

thenightsky · 15/10/2019 10:38

just a simple, “why do you keep blocking me!?” with a confused emoji.

This!

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 15/10/2019 10:39

Assuming that you're not bragging about every little thing in your life (not that a first pregnancy is a little thing, but I'm not sure why getting work done on your roof would count as 'news') then it's her with the problem. I think the only mature response in this situation is to put it out of your head and get on with your life. Facebook is a waste of your life and ethically dodgy anyway.

Original poster
Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:42

EagleVisionSquirrelWork

Sorry, perhaps news isn't the right word. Some things are deliberately announced, e.g. We're leaving the country, we're having a baby. Others come about by chance, e.g.
SIL: How are you?
Me: Stressed! Got the builders in for our roof replacement, how are you?
SIL: radio silence
Me a few hours later: what are your plans for today then?
Facebook: Message cannot be sent

OP posts:
YouokHun · 15/10/2019 10:46

As others have said don’t communicate with her directly. If you need to respond do so politely but factually and with no further information or enquiry or small talk. On FB don’t defriend just change your settings so she can’t see your posts. Don’t communicate with her to get information about Christmas etc, just direct all questions to your BiL. Don’t respond to re-friending requests. Keep civil but contained and don’t share with her. Whatever her issue (and it is HER issue) it won’t improve if you keep trying. If she’s searching for drama don’t give her any material to work with.

YouokHun · 15/10/2019 10:48

So next time:
SIL: How are you?
OP: Fine thank you

IncrediblySadToo · 15/10/2019 10:51

She’s your husbands, brothers, wife...they both say to just ignore it - do that

Stop getting yourself upset over something you can’t do anything about.

Post what you want on your FB/elsewhere - leave her to react however she wants, it’s not your problem, it’s really not