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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for mature, sensible strategies for dealing with this?

83 replies

Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:11

I can't quite believe I'm posting this. I have an issue which I don't know how to address.

I am not allowed to share good news with my SIL. She gets upset and blocks me on social media. Anything at all - buying our first flat, getting a new job, a promotion, moving abroad, even getting a new roof or adopting DDog Confused she will block me for anything from a few hours to a few months, then start sending messages where we last left off as though nothing has happened. If a major life event has happened and it's not about her, her DC or her family, she doesn't want to know.

I usually like to tell people things face to face but as we live in a different country, digital communications have to do. I don't want to keep huge parts of my life to myself just because of geography. I can't trust DH to share any news as he will forget more often than not.

DH says to ignore it, he's spoken to his brother who says his DW just "gets funny" sometimes, so I suspect that there may be some mental health issues at play? Either way, I feel like I have to make an effort for the sake of family harmony.

A little while ago we announced a pregnancy, our first DC. I tried to send SIL a message about Christmas arrangements this morning only to find that I have, once again, been blocked. I don't know when this happened.

I am very hurt this time, if it transpires that I've been blocked for being pregnant. She has 2 DC of her own so I am baffled and angered by this ridiculous situation. I've been very weepy the last few days so I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

AIBU to ask what a sensible, mature, balanced response to this is? I can't quite believe that I've allowed it to go on for this long, but I am naturally adverse to any kind of conflict or confrontation.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/10/2019 11:42

Delete her from FB, and block.

Neutral texts.

If DH doesn't tell them stuff, who cares?

If she queries:

'But you blocked me? For about the fifth time I think?' Wait for a reply - don't justify or take it forward at all.

ActualHornist · 15/10/2019 11:47

Honestly I’d just block and ignore. Don’t waste any more time worrying about this - your DH and her own husband aren’t!

Juells · 15/10/2019 11:49

I genuinely can't get my head around the fact that you allowed her back onto your FB page after the first blocking. I don't know if it's possible to block someone who has already blocked you, but if not as soon as she gets back in touch don't respond, and block her then.

She's more trouble than she's worth. So what that she's your SiL? I stopped communicating with my SiL years ago, it was a blessed relief. All smiles and waves at family do's, but no interaction whatsoever.

Life is too short to spend time worrying about someone like her. Imagine the stress she'll try to put on you once the baby is born?

MsChatterbox · 15/10/2019 11:50

If it's a mental health issue - maybe depression and she knows others success will spiral her? - then ignore. Re-engage when she re-engages. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her things but I also wouldn't not post it publicly.

ChicCroissant · 15/10/2019 11:54

I would block completely at this stage tbh, or put her on a custom profile that doesn't let her see anything you post. Do not use messenger, do not engage.

MissDew · 15/10/2019 11:54

She's weirdly jealous of you. Presently she resents you getting any attention at all because it's something good, no matter what. She considers the phrase, 'congratulations' a choke hazard. Well, in your case anyway. It's also another grand child for 'her' child's grandparents to love i.e. competition with her kids. (The grand parents if alive/interested are just happy for another grandkid, I assume.) Your SIL was perfectly happy with things the way they were, thank you. How dare you step into her spotlight.

She will never admit this so you will never be able to clear the air with her.

Does she carry on like this when something negative happens ? Whether it's a minor annoyance i.e. let's say you're letting off steam about being stuck in a traffic jam or you couldn't find a parking space the last time you went shopping etc etc

Or something more serious but not life threatening ?

She obviously needs to block you on social media to make herself feel better whenever you've had a bit of good news. That's teach you !

ucfo · 15/10/2019 11:55

I'd block and ignore and I'd keep all other communications neutral.
While it is good to try to keep family relationships harmonious, she is quite far-removed for you in that she is the wife of your husband's brother. If she was your husband's sister, that's one step closer and I'd maybe make more effort with her.
Husband and BIL don't seem bothered so it shouldn't bother you either.
You live in another country as well so that makes things less awkward.

MissDew · 15/10/2019 11:55

That'll teach you is what I meant.

Yeahthatthing · 15/10/2019 11:56

Set your FB posts to "all friends except SIL" so she doesn't see your updates. It's the only way.

Sobeyondthehills · 15/10/2019 11:57

There is no mature way to deal with this, on facebook you can unfollow people, mute them on messenger, and the other person will not know.

So blocking you is here way of letting you know, as facebook will tell you.

Next time, she unblocks you, just block her, you can't do it till they have unblocked you.

If you really dont want to do this, then put her on restricted view, she can't see anything on your facebook but she will just think you are not posting and stop talking to her, let your husband deal with it, if his family is anything like mine, news will soon get around

Orangeblossom78 · 15/10/2019 11:58

I left FB / social media due to this kind of rubbish with SILs etc and it is such a relief. Let your DH sort out any Christmas arrangements with his brother if needs be, just don't engage. And keep accounting your positive stuff, if you want to online, if she can't handle it that is her problem! She can choose not to see it by unfollowing or whatever. If she can't cope with someone else's good news, or be supportive well you don't need that in your life so you. Just focus on friends or supportive family members instead.

BarbaraStrozzi · 15/10/2019 12:00

Agree with many others here - just block her. (Some sort of soft block if you want). Tell your DH what you've done, and let him know that if there's anything he wants/needs his brother to know about, it's his job to keep him in the loop.

MrsFezziwig · 15/10/2019 12:02

I’m going to take a slightly different view here. Although you’re right about her being silly, and it seems that it’s she rather than you that is causing the problem, I really can’t imagine informing my brother that I was either pregnant or leaving the country (both massive life events) via the medium of Facebook - wouldn’t you want to tell them in person before informing the world and his wife?

Passthewipes · 15/10/2019 12:02

She clearly has a screw loose. Just block her and don't worry about sharing any news with her, she doesn't seem interested in your life so stop making the effort to stay in touch. I'm sure your DH will still speak to his brother.....if he then shares any news with her, that's up to him, and he can take the brunt of her weird reactions.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well for you xx

ChikiTIKI · 15/10/2019 12:05

I don't know why she pwuld be jealous of a new roof... If I knew someone who needed a new roof I would be thinking "oh no, poor you, what a nightmare".

It certainly is odd that she blocks you. I would let her eventually unblock me and then next time she sends a message say "oh, you unblocked me. Did I do something wrong?"

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 12:07

Just stop bothering. Honestly, she sounds awful. Don't waste your energy.

FavouriteSong · 15/10/2019 12:09

I echo the other posters - block her, don't engage with her, communicate any news/make arrangements through her husband. She sounds like a drama queen, and it's just not worth your time fretting about it.

If she does contact you for a chat by any other means, keep it brief but friendly.

Ce7913 · 15/10/2019 12:17

The only mature response:

Stop opening yourself up to someone who has repeatedly proven to be entirely disinterested in and unsupportive of your happiness.

Stop chasing a relationship with someone who has continually shown that she resents your milestones and achievements.

Stop investing emotion and effort into someone who has given every indication that she would be quietly celebrating should some misfortune or calamity strike you or your family.

Stop exposing yourself and your children to someone who repeatedly cuts you off on a whim and without reason or explanation, then picks you back up again without even having the decency or respect to explain or apologise.

Rachelover60 · 15/10/2019 12:20

Don't use social media. Tell people what you want them to know by letter or telephone.

Your sister in law sounds like a sad case and I feel sorry for her but at the same time, it isn't your problem.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/10/2019 12:30

I’d just stop any interaction with her. When she gets in touch with you just don’t respond.

MissDew · 15/10/2019 12:30

don't know why she pwuld be jealous of a new roof... If I knew someone who needed a new roof I would be thinking "oh no, poor you, what a nightmare".

That would be my reaction, too. Most people would I suspect. However, all the OP's SIL sees is money being spent, thousands I suspect and home improvements being completed.

Remember, you can't argue/reason with stupid. Also, irrational jealousy is just that, irrational.

MissDew · 15/10/2019 12:34

If the OP had posted on Social Media: roof needs to be mended, can't afford it. Fed up with all these buckets half full of rain water around the house. It's freezing but the heat just goes through the roof because it's not water proof.

I bet the SIL would have uploaded a smiley face (just joking, of course) emoticon. Or would that have got the OP blocked as well ? Would the SIL have thought she was wanting sympathy or trying to pass the hat around to raise funds to fix the roof ?

NotSorry · 15/10/2019 12:35

good post from Ce7913

Agedtoperfection · 15/10/2019 12:36

Just stop bothering. Honestly, she sounds awful. Don't waste your energy.
This is the only response needed

AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2019 12:40

She's your DH brothers wife, stop sharing stuff with her at all and share whatever you want through FB etc. It's her problem not yours. I'd probably unfriend her actually

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