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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for mature, sensible strategies for dealing with this?

83 replies

Bythepool · 15/10/2019 10:11

I can't quite believe I'm posting this. I have an issue which I don't know how to address.

I am not allowed to share good news with my SIL. She gets upset and blocks me on social media. Anything at all - buying our first flat, getting a new job, a promotion, moving abroad, even getting a new roof or adopting DDog Confused she will block me for anything from a few hours to a few months, then start sending messages where we last left off as though nothing has happened. If a major life event has happened and it's not about her, her DC or her family, she doesn't want to know.

I usually like to tell people things face to face but as we live in a different country, digital communications have to do. I don't want to keep huge parts of my life to myself just because of geography. I can't trust DH to share any news as he will forget more often than not.

DH says to ignore it, he's spoken to his brother who says his DW just "gets funny" sometimes, so I suspect that there may be some mental health issues at play? Either way, I feel like I have to make an effort for the sake of family harmony.

A little while ago we announced a pregnancy, our first DC. I tried to send SIL a message about Christmas arrangements this morning only to find that I have, once again, been blocked. I don't know when this happened.

I am very hurt this time, if it transpires that I've been blocked for being pregnant. She has 2 DC of her own so I am baffled and angered by this ridiculous situation. I've been very weepy the last few days so I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

AIBU to ask what a sensible, mature, balanced response to this is? I can't quite believe that I've allowed it to go on for this long, but I am naturally adverse to any kind of conflict or confrontation.

OP posts:
leghairdontcare · 15/10/2019 10:52

Stop reaching out to her. If she contacts you just reply politely but with no real information. All necessary communication goes between your husband and his brother.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/10/2019 10:53

She’s behaving like a spoilt child ‘you have something new and shiny and I don’t so I’m not talking to you now- so there!’

This is her problem, not yours. Announce what the hell you like and if she blocks you, who gives a shit?

If you can’t get away with not messaging her, I wouldn’t bother reciprocating her questions either. She asks you what’s going on and you reply- leave it at that.

If anything’s ever said to you or your dh you can just say ‘well whatever my reply is, she blocks me, so I just gave up’.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/10/2019 10:54

Just stop trying to engage with her. She’s obviously not happy with her life and your happy news makes her feel worse. It’s not your fault, perhaps it’s not her fault, but it’s a thing that’s happening and you have to make sure it doesn’t hurt you any longer.

So I would remove her from Facebook. Then I would let your husband deal with his brother and leave it there.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 10:56

OP.

I have been through this exact same situation with a cousin of mine.

I was blocked at every farts end for trivial things. I never uploaded anything on facebook but, I would share news with family and she would block me even though I refused to accept her friend request after the first time she blocked me. She could still send me messages though and would act like nothing was wrong at all.

I blocked her pretty early on and it protected my mental health (as I couldn't see her page at all) and it protected hers as she wasn't going onto my page stalking for bits of information.

She actually apologied to me at the start of this year for being so childish. She admitted that she was going through hard feelings of jealously as her marriage was going through a rough patch.

I have told her however I refuse to unblock her as it's not good for either of us and she agrees. We are honestly the best of friends now but, maybe blocking her once and for all will teach her a lesson.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/10/2019 10:57

Yeah my SIL does this, not through FB but in real life.

She refused to visit us in our new house for nearly a year because they lived in a flat and she desperately wanted a house. This included Christmas Day. BIL came with the kids and she spent the day at home alone.

There’s more but it’s extremely outing. Honestly I just laugh about it now but I was weirdly hurt by it all at the time.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 10:58

I am very hurt this time, if it transpires that I've been blocked for being pregnant. She has 2 DC of her own so I am baffled and angered by this ridiculous situation. I've been very weepy the last few days so I'm not sure if it's just hormones

I read this again and again I am recommending you block her once and for all and maintain good relations in RL. It is possible to keep a good relationship and be unconnected on social media.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2019 10:59

Block HER and put an end to this nonsense.

KUGA · 15/10/2019 11:04

Totally agree with poorbuthappy.
Absolutely spot on.

eddielizzard · 15/10/2019 11:04

Yes, I'd block her and get DH to communicate in future. If he forgets so what? Too bad.

Knittedfairies · 15/10/2019 11:05

You can't engage with crazy; just let her be and block her.

JulieRat · 15/10/2019 11:12

God yes just stop telling her stuff. Grey rock, polite but zero content, keep it minimal. Who cares if she doesn’t find stuff out? Let dh tell her or his brother, and if he forgets, so what. If she moans she didn’t know something, she’s hardly got a leg to stand on has she. Or you can just say “oh I left it to dh to tell our news, didn’t want to upset you!” polite smile and change the subject.

She’s (or she is being) a silly drama llama who wants to overreact to things and act all offended - leave her to do that with other people and make it not your business.

Or just block her - permanently. She can’t really complain!

Ginkypig · 15/10/2019 11:14

I would wait until she has unblocked you because you can't do it before.

Then I would unfriendly and permanently block her.

Stop involving her or giving her power to behave like that. Let your brother share news with his brother and you stay out of it.

You are not falling out with her in real life and will chat in rl or during phone calls if you both happen to be there but in the rest of your life she doesn't get any head space. In real life you are fine, at family gatherings you are fine but online nothing.

Ginkypig · 15/10/2019 11:14

Not brother! Your husband share with his brother!

Sallygoround631 · 15/10/2019 11:15

Why do you alone have to ‘make the effort’’ Not to upset her?
It should not be your responsibility.

I’d carry on as if it didn’t happen. Your behaviour is ‘normal’, and I’m sure nobody else has issue with you sharing news.

This is her problem and not yours to worry over.
I wouldn’t give it any more head space or consent to any type of emotional labour you think may be required of you.

Sallygoround631 · 15/10/2019 11:18

What I’m saying is you don’t pussyfoot around people and their issues like this .

She maybe ought to worry about how ‘her’ odd behaviour may offend others - not you.

If you look at this in a mature/sensible way, then giving it any attention whatsoever makes you into a bit of a doormat. Be polite to her always, and move on.

saraclara · 15/10/2019 11:20

If she does it to other people too, it's not personal and she clearly has problems. I'd just stop communicating with her via social media. Neither of you is getting anything positive from it.

TheMustressMhor · 15/10/2019 11:20

Just stop giving her any news of any kind.

It won't impact your life if she doesn't know anything about your new roof.

sarahjconnor · 15/10/2019 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2019 11:21

I would block her the next chance you get. Take back your power.

Lou0390 · 15/10/2019 11:22

I've been in a similar position and it's very hurtful. But 4 years later I have simply stopped engaging full stop.

This family member has MH issues, BPD and at first by trying to understand them etc it made no difference and I have stopped enabling the behaviour by going NC. I am so much happier and have not missed out. Life is too short.

TwoIsNotBetterThanOne · 15/10/2019 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SamanthaBrique · 15/10/2019 11:35

Is it Facebook she's blocking you on or Whatsapp?

Lucked · 15/10/2019 11:36

I think you should just block her completely so she can’t see your account and dont use FB mesaanger with her. If you need to communicate use text or phone. One alternative would be a WhatsApp group with both of you SIl and BIL. Even if SIL leaves the group you are still communicating with BIL. Also she may flounce less In front of both her and your DH.

NoParticularPattern · 15/10/2019 11:37

@Bythepool I’ll give you the same advice I’ve given on the other thread with a batshit SIL: ignore the fuck out of it.

Mine is very similar. Best mates when your life is going to hell and blocks you when it’s not. She loves to engineer a drama and I’ve learnt to react in a neutral way to pretty much anything she says. Don’t let her have her drama, disengage completely and I’m sure she will come back when she wants something or needs to look like a nice person again. Mine does!

HollowTalk · 15/10/2019 11:38

Personally, I don't understand the people who continue to do stuff they know other people find upsetting, when it's not necessary

@twoisnotbetterthanone - for heaven's sake, she only told her she had a new roof!