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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want visitors?

281 replies

AnnetteJones · 14/10/2019 19:58

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

OP posts:
WagtailRobin · 15/10/2019 00:07

It's completely up to you but if any of my sisters had told me not to visit when my nieces/nephews were born I would have been very hurt, likewise I know my mummy would have been devastated about being excluded.

In fact if my sister-in-laws had suggested we not visit when new babies have arrived, that wouldn't have gone down very well either.

As I said though, it's your choice!

saraclara · 15/10/2019 00:08

Of course people have the right to their own feelings. It's bizarre to suggest otherwise.
The new mother has the right to feel what she does, and so do her close family.

If my daughter decides she wants a weeks long babymoon, we'll have to accept it and not say a word. Nowhere have I said anything other. But yes, I and her sister love her dearly, have supported her throughout, and demonstrated our pleasure and excitement at having a new person join the family. And just as it's great to feel those emotions, it would also be natural to be disapointed and sad to know that the baby's here but that we can't meet her.

Leaannb · 15/10/2019 00:11

"Don't be surprised when they take the hint" Right there is the selfishness.

justheretostalk · 15/10/2019 02:27

Isn’t this one of those things that is dependant on the person visiting?

When I had my DS, I didn’t mind my mum and sisters visiting in hospital. I’m comfortable enough to breastfeed and what not in front of them. MIL I would be fine with too, but she was away.

But then my DP’s brother rocked up unannounced with his new girlfriend who I had never met in my life. I don’t like DP’s brother. I didn’t know the girlfriend, and DP wasn’t even there to be a buffer! I was in my PJ’s, leaking from every orifice, and they wouldn’t fucking leave. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable moment of my entire life and it still makes me angry thinking about it. If he had asked to visit I would have said to wait until I was home, and actually dressed.

LuvMyBubbles · 15/10/2019 02:34

Your choice OP. Enjoy the time with just you, plenty of time for visitors.
Everyone is just so excited.
See how you feel in a few days.

That one for a year - oh dear that would be so sad. Shock

StoppinBy · 15/10/2019 02:52

I let immediate family do a visit in hospital - it keeps them out of your house Wink . I didn't tell anyone else that baby was born for two weeks afterwards though.

Monty27 · 15/10/2019 02:57

You'll be wishing they'd pop in one day. Or perhaps not.
You don't want to share your baby?
Deep Shock

StoppinBy · 15/10/2019 02:59

@madcatladyforever - 8 weeks sounds like a vaccination issue?

Anyone who hadn't had a whooping cough vaccine wasn't allowed to visit with out babies until the babies themselves had had one at 6-8 weeks.

Could that be the reason with your sister?

BillHadersNewWife · 15/10/2019 03:40

I remember being quite pleased about visitors but then when they actually came and said things like "you look like you're still pregnant!" and looked askance when I later farted (c section couldn't help it) I wished they'd never arrived! :)

Pixxie7 · 15/10/2019 04:35

You have had a baby, not a major op and obviously well enough to post on this web site. You will need your family when you get home. At least let the grandparents see their new granddaughter.

Witsendagain · 15/10/2019 05:14

Op you are definately NOT being unreasonable! I hate the way society is about labour, like the woman doesn't matter! If you don't want visitors after you have given birth you don't have to have visitors. We are talking days not months fgs! All these people who would be so hurt if their family member wouldn't let them visit the new baby on the first week need to get a grip! It's not about them. Its about the new mum and baby first, and it is hugely selfish to preach 'rights', 'duty', and 'its only 10 minutes', and generally putting their wants over yours, when you are in pain and adjusting to being a new mum!
For what it's worth I refused all visitors for the duration of my stay in hospital with ds because I knew how vulnerable I would feel and how exhausted I'd be, physically and mentally!

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2019 07:19

Don't be surprised when they take the hint" Right there is the selfishness

Nope. The parents are getting what they asked for. Can't have it both ways.

Not saying I would do that either as I'd be the ultimate loser. But I'd be hurt and it would affect how I felt about my DC as clearly we wouldn't be as close as I'd thought we were

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 07:34

But I'd be hurt and it would affect how I felt about my DC as clearly we wouldn't be as close as I'd thought we were

but it's NOT about YOU! Of course you are not that close, there are private moments, a huge mental and physical toll, why trying to make it all about YOU! And not feeling as close to the baby? How petty and childish!

Some mums might be bouncing and wanting a big family party, others welcome quiet visitors, and others want to be left alone. Show some respect, everybody is different. New mothers shouldn't even have to think about family and concentrate on themselves - and invite whoever when they are ready.

I also think it's one of the only time where the mother completely takes the lead and the father needs to support her. There's plenty of time to meet the baby.

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 07:48

@Pixxie7 You have had a baby, not a major op and obviously well enough to post on this web site. You will need your family when you get home. At least let the grandparents see their new granddaughter.

Some people who have babies HAVE just had a major op, you have no idea how someone else's labour has gone. And even if they haven't, if you were in hospital for any other reason with the side effects of labour you wouldn't be expected to pander to everybody, but because theres a baby involved everybody is "entitled" to drop in and see you whenever they like because they have a "right" to see your baby, and if you dare put up boundaries you're being precious.

All these people saying how hurt they'd be if their daughters/sisters/in laws did this to them need to wind their necks in. Anyone who does this is doing it for good reason and obviously feel like they need to, they wont be doing it on a random whim or to be selfish. You've no right to dictate otherwise.

SusanneLinder · 15/10/2019 08:08

It depends on the family I suppose. If the family are likely to rock up with everyone else in tow , then yabu to tell them no.
I wanted to see my DD after she had my DCG, because I was worried ( she had health issues), and wanted to know she was ok. I spoke to her when she called and checked it was ok to visit, but hospital visitors were restricted to the grandparents and her sisters. We didn't stay long, but it was wonderful to see her and my DGC.
I also checked when she was home if it was ok to visit.
She got home after a few days and asked me to bring stuff round, and I said I would only stay 10mins and then fuck off and leave her to it. Am so glad I went round as she had a PP infection and her DH hadn't noticed but because I am close to her, I knew she wasn't right. I am not an interfering mother, but insisted she get medical help. She ended up back in hospital and was right to insist.
Sometimes grandma's can be useful. ( thread drift sorry)

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 08:16

All these people saying how hurt they'd be if their daughters/sisters/in laws did this to them need to wind their necks in. Anyone who does this is doing it for good reason and obviously feel like they need to, they wont be doing it on a random whim or to be selfish. You've no right to dictate otherwise.

Absolutely. I wonder where this strong sense of entitlement to another woman’s baby comes from to a point you disregard the mum because you want a cuddle. Yes, it’s your grandchild, niece/nephew, etc.. but you can surely do the decent thing and wait without making it about yourself and what you want. Baby isn’t going to care or remember you were there, but mum and dad sure will remember and their feelings about it.

See it in here more than enough how some family members acted during this time hurt a lot of mums and parents and fractured their relationships with said people.

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 08:24

@SusanneLinder

You checked with your daughter though. You took her feelings into consideration and didn’t just head up there or barge your way in like I’ve read in some of these threads. You did absolutely wonderful. 🙂

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/10/2019 08:27

phoenixrosehere spot on.

Nearly twelve years on and I still feel massively pissed off when I think back. My ex was also annoyed at my mother just turning up. I don’t blame him.

Here’s a novel idea- why don’t the concerned family send a text to ask ‘would youlike us to come visit?’ That way mum and/or dad can say ‘not at the moment thanks’ if they want to.

But I have a sneaking suspicion that many (note, I am not saying all) wouldn’t, as they might get told no- Because it’s not really about what the mother wants, it’s about this bizarre entitlement to see a baby irrespective of anything else and get huffy and blame the recovering patient for hurt feelings if they’re told no in any shape or form.

YouSirOweMeOneNewHat · 15/10/2019 08:55

DD was early and spent 2 weeks in NICU after a 78 hour labour, I still couldn't imagine not allowing close family in to see her.

My mum and dad were so excited I just wouldn't have been able to say no without feeling like a total witch. It just feels like such a cruel way to treat close family.

You're in hospital, you've not got to entertain. You can stay in bed if you like.
It's much easier having them visit now then when you're at home.

Harriett123 · 15/10/2019 09:41

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think anyone has the right to meet the baby and people should only come when you are ready. Perhaps it's a cultural thing I only met my nephews when they were a week or so old and they felt up for visitors. I would never impose myself upon even close friends or family in those early days and I dont think anyone has the right to make you.
Interesting cultures where the mother is isolated from society with the exception of her own mother in the initial weeks after the birth have the lowest rate of postpartum depression in the world.
Do what works for you trying to be super mum just adds undue pressure.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/10/2019 09:42

you're better off to see them now, while you're in hospital.
Once you get home, you might have to host, make teas, coffees and eats and you may never get to sit down.

I think it's a bit odd and rude not let people visit you in hospital, unless you and or the baby are very sick.

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 09:48

Interesting cultures where the mother is isolated from society with the exception of her own mother in the initial weeks after the birth have the lowest rate of postpartum depression in the world.

Not surprised by that in the slightest.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 09:54

Firstly congratulations op!! Enjoy those newborn cuddles. Flowers
Secondly it depends how close you are to your family and how often you see them/talk to them normally. I always think its okay for people saying it's odd or whatever but I think what normal for one family isnt necessarily for another. Not all families are lovely and supportive and lets face it sometimes relationships with family members can be strained. We don't know the state of ops relationship with her family or any of her circumstances.

formerbabe · 15/10/2019 09:59

I don't understand the compulsion to isolate yourself. I've noticed it a lot amongst older middle class mothers especially...I even knew one woman who refused to spend her DC's first Christmas with anyone as she wanted it to just be her, her dh and their baby as it was their first Christmas together and therefore extra special Hmm

I find it totally bizarre. Anyway op, I hope you don't have any social occasions planned for the next decade because you're probably going to need a babysitter at some point.

Sheld0r · 15/10/2019 10:10

I had DD during the night, DH got kicked out but came back at 8am and my parents came at about 10am. I couldn't wait to see them and there was no stopping them either. They were so excited and I couldn't imagine telling them not to come. Luckily I was only in for 2 days so other family members came to our house instead.