Not to want visitors?

[AnnetteJones]

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

[AnnetteJones]

Stepping out now to nap so will leave thread .x.

I had constant steam of visitors with dc1 3 yrs ago now and was far too much.. hence DP and my decision this time round

Anyway I volunteered to be judged by the best of vipers so here we are

Thx for the congratulations & will see if local friends & fam want to visit tmrw. You have swayed me!!

[Span1elsRock]

They love you and love your baby - it's a blessing to have people that care, not a curse.

Hope your LG is well enough to go home soon, and congratulations

[InDreamland]

OP do what feels right for you. I don't think you're being precious as others have said. Everyone is different, if you are more comfortable having a day or three before having visitors then that is what you should do. If you change your mind that is your prerogative.

Some women feel vulnerable even though the birth and recovery was pretty smooth so want some space. Others just want some private special time with their new baby and partner and other children before other family descend. Then there are many who would like their families including in-laws over straight away. Or all the variations in between. There's no right or wrong.

[AudacityOfHope]

Just a cuddle from your mum OP. And make sure they bring you something nice.

[holidays987]

I completely understand why you don't want visitors yet. With my DD I was in a lot of pain and still a little bit out of it at the hospital. FIL stayed for several hours, and continuously swooped in and took baby off me. It was far too soon and I found it horrible. We then had lots of relatives visit in the first week, I found it hard to appear 'ok' and be friendly / hospitable when I just wanted to rest and snuggle my baby. I didn't like her being passed around for cuddles so early on.
I'm now pregnant with number 2. I plan to do things differently this time around

[StCharlotte]

SHIT!! I visited DIL and baby nephew the afternoon he was born because I literally had to walk past the hospital doors to get home and I visited one of my best friends on the day she had her twins. Now I feel TERRIBLE!

[randominternetperson]

This has made me chuckle. I'm NC with my own mother and really wanted my child to have a relationship with my MIL as they'd have no other family really.
In fairness to MIL she was quite happy to take a back seat and not come to the hospital but I insisted (despite still being numb from the chest down and having a catheter in). First thing she said was "Jesus, you look rough" and still bangs on about how rough I looked - after being awake in an induced labour for two solid days and having a traumatic delivery of my first child.
Take your time OP, do what you're comfortable with; let people judge you if they must but do what's right for you.
FWIW Second time round the baby virtually walked out with jazz hands and MIL couldn't have been less interested if she tried so we got there in the end

[mummTum]

When I had my first baby my in-laws spent hours at the hospital visiting me, every day I was there (4 days). They wouldn’t put the baby down, didn’t once ask me how I was and didn’t bring me anything or make me feel spoilt or special. They were just completely besotted with their new baby.

It was hard and took me a long time to forgive them. In hindsight, they were just completely overwhelmed with becoming grandparents. We now have a good relationship. However there was no way they were coming when I had dc2! I enjoyed my time with him at hospital. They visited for 3 days (live abroad) when he was 10 days old and it was fine. They got lots of cuddles and snuggles and were lots of help.

Every situation is different and just as long as the family aren’t being excluded for months on end, I think it’s fine. Newborn babies are still newborn babies after a week or so. I’d be inclined to say that in normal circumstances a quick visit should be fine but OP said she was inundated with people last time. I can understand her wanting some space.

OP congratulations

And @saraclara your message was totally clear! Some people are so quick to jump in and criticize

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

I think it entirely depends on your family. When my daughter was born, my in laws turned up an hour later, stayed for 5 hours, were pestering the nurses for cups so they could make tea for everybody. How they weren't thrown out I dont know. There was my parents in law, my partners four brothers and each of their partners plus 2 sets of grandparents.... 14 bloody people for 5 hours, after only having an hour to recover and bond! Never mind trying to establish breastfeeding! How they weren't chucked out by nursing staff I dont know. They have no boundaries. My own mother didnt even get to see her because of them. I really feel like they stole that precious time from me. They have never respected boundaries and this type of shit followed often with them... over staying welcome, turning up unannounced with multiple people (mil once turned up with her entire boules team to see baby ffs).

I would hate to keep my mum and sister away, so I can completely see why people are saying they dont understand it. But equally after my experience with my in laws I can see where you are coming from. It completely depends on your family dynamics and how they respect your boundaries.

Nobody has a right to see your child straight after theyve popped out of your vanjango, being related to you doesnt make them entitled to anything. If you want to surround yourself with people who love and respect you, fire away. But you're quite right to enjoy this precious time with your newborn privately if your visitors dont respect boundaries or have a history of overwhelming you or taking over.

I'm currently pregnant again and will be telling no one (other than my mum who will be looking after first born) I'm in labour or have given birth. I do feel cheated about the time that was stolen from me before just because people thought they had rights over my baby and that I was being "precious" by wanting to have that time to myself.

[AudacityOfHope]

Of course that's right, if your family are dicks then totally keep them at arms length. That's just a rule for life though

[saraclara]

And @saraclara your message was totally clear! Some people are so quick to jump in and criticize

Thak you @mummTum !
It's interesting that the people who ran with something so alien to every other word of my post both thought I was "the pregnant one"s MIL. I think they both beautifully illustrated the MN knee jerk 'let's take something totally negatively because she's a MIL' tendency!

[scaryteacher]

My Mum met ds (she was there when he was born) before dh did, as he was at sea, and didn't even know ds was born til 3 days after the event.

My ils came down (3.5 hour drive) the day after he was born. He was very ill and in SCBU though, so it might have been their only opportunity.

He is 24 next week!

[Pardonwhat]

I’ll probably get flamed but it’s all a bit PFB.

Once you’re home, you’ll probably want all of the help and company you can get. If you’re anything like me then you’ll find maternity leave and having a newborn awfully lonely.

I’d be incredibly hurt if I was your family and I think I’d struggle to forgive you.

Congratulations btw

[Windydaysuponus]

When I had dc 3 at 6am I collected dc 1 +2 from school at 3pm pushing the pram!! Whole school practically saw my baby!!

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

Yanbu. After all of mine I didn’t want anyone around me. I was tired, sore, leaking from one place or another and either had stitches in my foot or my c section wound. I was not feeling like myself, sitting in pyjamas and smiling was not what I wanted to do and I wish I’d had the balls to tell them to fuck off.

I’m actually thankful that we live far enough away from family this time around that as long as I have a straightforward delivery I’ll be out before anyone can make an impromptu visit. I will be telling the maternity ward staff I don’t want visitors, as my own mother has form for turning up and bulldozing her way through.

I don’t understand this entitled ‘you must share the baby/be up for visitors/I’d be so hurt if my daughter did this’ thing. I can’t think of any other time that has you in hospital where you, the patient, are the bad guy for not doing what other people want, when they choose. Put bluntly, motherhood is full of doing things for your kids and doing things that you wouldn’t necessarily want to so if after giving birth you want to be ‘selfish’ and put your own feelings first for once, why the hell shouldn’t you?

[PrayingandHoping]

Unless I have an extended stay in hospital I don't want any visitors! And for the first 2 weeks we are
Only going to let parents visit. No other family or friends.

This is totally backed up by my health visitor who was relieved! Babies don't need to be passed around like a new toy when new born. It's an important time to bond with mum and dad.

Luckily I have no family that live close by anyway, they are all hours away so popping in visits just can't happen.

[formerbabe]

I was not feeling like myself, sitting in pyjamas and smiling was not what I wanted to do

I don't understand this. Surely if you're feeling shit, you don't have to put on an act for your family? Or do they expect you to put on a bit of a show. In my family, we'd just tell each other we felt like shit.

[saraclara]

I had three sets of visitors over the few days when I was in hospital with my first. My parents, my PIL's and our best friends. I just lay there in bed and let them get on with cooing over the baby. They were no longer than half an hour each as far as I can remember. My husband met each set in a public area of the hospital and waited until I was ready (so not feeding ) to bring them in. They were happy to get coffee or something while they waited.

I don't get why anyone would find that traumatic. I had a horrible labour and was in pain, but seriously - just sitting there for half an hour being told how clever I was and how wonderful my baby was? What's to be so precious and excluding about?

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

@formerbabe I did tell them (my family and exILs) that I felt like shit. 2nd c section I had to have a second surgery to fix up where they’d nicked an artery- was just told ‘oh don’t be so silly, we don’t care what you look like’.

But I bloody cared and was ignored completely. That’s what amazes me about people’s entitled attitudes- it’s not actually about you, back off unless you’re asked. And even if you’re not asked, it’s not personal because not everything is about you!

[AudacityOfHope]

But it's not really all about the baby @PrayingandHoping

Coping with a newborn in self-imposed isolation might actually be harder than letting in people who would only want to love and support you.

I remember my mum bringing homemade soup and holding my son whilst my husband and I ate, because we were both struggling in the early days and had lost our appetites. My dad would turn up to take the baby out for a walk so I could switch my brain off for 40 minutes. My sister came and cooked us delicious meatballs from scratch.

It helped me feel human again.

Any HV worth their salt should know that isolation might not be good for every new mum.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

Congratulations on your new arrival op. Do what you’re comfortable with and don’t let anyone push you around. Just because I was happy with visitors doesn’t mean the next person will be, we’re all different.

[megletthesecond]

Yanbu.
You're the one who gave birth and need to recover. You call the shots.

[Littlemeadow123]

Flipping heck, mumsnet is contrary sometimes.

I've seen loads of threads about women expecting babies who are complaining about how they dont want mother/mother in law turning up at the hospital. The general response is make relatives wait until you get released and settled back at home.

And now this thread says the complete opposite! Is it a load of grandmothers on here tonight?!

OP, do what's best for you. No one on here fully knows how you are feeling and are in no place to judge.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Yanbu... but you are maybe a bit odd. I was desperate to show off my new baby. Dm, DSis & DMIL even got to go and visit DD in NICU before I was able to go down myself! I was glad as it meant everyone sending me pictures & updates of her :)

[PrayingandHoping]

@AudacityOfHope my baby is my most important thought. Then it is my husband and myself. Then the grandparents. Then everyone else

I'm not isolating myself. I'm giving myself time to recover (I have a health condition anyway which won't help me bounce back anyway).

All my friends who have had babies have given me the same advise.... they all regret letting the world and his wife appear on their doorstep expecting to be hosted when they were trying to bond with their new arrival

I have never turned up on a friends or families (i
Used to live near 1 family member) doorstep when they've just had a baby. I've text, asked if they've needed anything, dropped meals round, walked dogs. but never pushed my way in expecting to see the baby etc. Give people time! The baby isn't going anywhere!