Not to want visitors?

[AnnetteJones]

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

[ivykaty44]

I’d be so disappointed if my daughter didn’t want me to visit for a few days. I’d want to make sure she was ok, dh was ok and also be excited for her and meet baby.

I’d bite my tongue and not say anything and hide my own feels, but that’s how I would feel.

I remember after having an emergency c section seeing my mum was wonderful

[ThatMuppetShow]

Some posters on MN seem to think they have some "rights" to a cuddle with a newborn and there's a very unhealthy competition about who will be the first to brag about seeing the newborn, because apparently extended family is unable to bond with a child unless they have seen him within the first hours following his birth

In the real world, YANBU
YOU are the one who just had the baby, YOU get to decide when you feel up for visitors.

I am not sure why in these days and age the well being and opinion of a new mother are completely ignored and she is considered as a second class citizen for some.

That said, my personal preference was visitors in hospital - there are visiting hours so they can't linger forever, it's a hospital so it's boring and noisy and it's harder to rest, you can be in your pjs, you don't have to clean the place and have to host them with tea and everything else.
Once you are home, you deserve peace and quiet and if baby sleeps early afternoon, so can you, without being bothered by visitors.

But that's personal preference, again, no rule, or just one, it's up to YOU.
If a grand-mother can't "bond" with her grand-child because he was more than a few hours old when they met, she was never going to be a decent grand-mother anyway.

[helpasisterout]

@RatherBeRiding
I can't agree with you more - surely the family would prioritise letting the new parents bond with their new addition as after all it is their own child!

I already have said that if my pregnancy continues low risk and I have a minimal stay in hospital I won't want visitors trailing balloons etc in from an hour away where I will feel (due to my personal nature) that I should shower and make myself decent as I wouldn't feel comfortable sat in pjs and tired infront of my in laws and some of my family - although this is just my personal opinion and my do and I are very private, we would rather welcome people to our home with baby once we are slightly more settled and have all our home comforts.

[saraclara]

Anyone would think that prospective grandmothers didn't know what it's like to give birth, and don't remember what being post-partum is like.

All these stories about families turning up in hospital and staying for five hours are ridiculous on both sides. Why on earth didn't the new parents tell them that the new mum needs to rest and it's time for them to go?

There's a happy medium between not allowing close family to see the baby for a week, and having them intrude for hours on the first day.

[ThatMuppetShow]

I’d be incredibly hurt if I was your family and I think I’d struggle to forgive you.


WTF?! How entitled and self-centred to think you have any kind of right to bother someone who has just given birth?

Maybe a bit of respect for the new mother would be nice?

Forgive? really? Some posters are unbelievable.

[ThatMuppetShow]

Anyone would think that prospective grandmothers didn't know what it's like to give birth, and don't remember what being post-partum is like.

they only know what is was for them, they have no idea what it's like for another woman. If a new mother wants privacy for 1 week, she should have it. How hard is it to respect a woman's feeling and wishes? Why do mothers suddenly cease to matter?

[Yoohoo16]

Ah my favourite visitors were my hospital ones. I was on cloud nine and wanted to show her off to the family.

[NoSauce]

It’s a bit precious to have a baby on a Friday and not allow any visitors by the Monday. I know it’s your right to do so but I find it odd.

I bet if you hadn’t said they couldn’t come to visit you’d be upset that they hadn’t.

[didireallysaythat]

I really don't get visiting maternity wards. Unless the new mum is going to be there for days, you'd have to take an afternoon off work, travel and try and find parking at the hospital which if you find any will cost a fortune for an hours visit. I guess if your family all live in the same town/city that's fine but I don't think that's the norm, we all move for jobs nowadays. The evening visiting hours were only for partners at the hospital I was at.

[ReadyPayerTwo]

I don't get this. With my first I was lucky to get a private room (about £20 NHS) and had a lovely time with just me, baby and DH. We had visitors in the next fortnight at home but I felt very under pressure and vowed I'd 'hibernate' for longer with the next one.

With my second I was out by the next lunchtime, which seemed the norm for most, so if you're in longer then there must be complications, so why would you want visitors??

OP YADNBU!!

[Graphista]

Yanbu I also suspect the respondents saying yabu are speaking more from a grandmothers perspective than a mothers

The only visitor I had in hospital was dds dad. It has been a very difficult birth for both of us and we weren't living near either family at the time (ex is army).

Both my mum and mil offered to come and stay from 38 week point but my mum was śtill working and would have ðriven me nuts anyway and mil has a heart condition and it actually wouldn't have been fair on dds dad to have had the worry and work of caring for 2/3 of us! Then I was admitted as an emergency and put on strict bed rest at 36 weeks anyway as had some very worrying symptoms (though they didn't actually work out/know what was wrong until i was in labour, rare presentation of rare condition), dd was very sick too and in scbu too.

So actually nobody actually met dd apart from her dad and I until she was about 2 weeks old. Family didn't meet her for a few months as we were neither well enough to travel nor were family able to visit for various reasons including their own health.

They all still bonded fine with her when they did see her, it is actually not uncommon with military families.

I found it far easier having the time and space to bond and find our routine and establish bf etc with it just being the 3 of us than I would have with loads of visitors especially ones who would have needed a lot of looking after themselves. Exs mum is lovely but her health is poor and it would have been a major additional worry, my mum is not great with boundaries and would have been fretting about the time off work especially with the way things panned out medically

Every families situation and personalities are different the op hasn't said what her family or in laws are like with boundaries or listening to her needs properly and that may well be partly behind her decision

Ultimately it's her decision

[Leaannb]

I don' t think ots odd. Most people I know have boundaries for when they want visitors and for them to meet the new one. My first child my parents didnt meet for 2 years,2nd child was just under a year,3rd was 3 weeks and the last one they waited 4 months to meet her

[saraclara]

I don' t think ots odd. Most people I know have boundaries for when they want visitors and for them to meet the new one. My first child my parents didnt meet for 2 years,2nd child was just under a year,3rd was 3 weeks and the last one they waited 4 months to meet her

Was that through their choice, your instructions, or circumstances (like they live on the other side of the world)?

[aquietlifeplease]

I loved all my visitors when I had my first, came home 12 hours after the long and complicated birth to find my in-laws, best friends and parents in my house and made us all a meal. It was great reminded me that I'm still me and made me realise how lucky my dc was and is to have so many people love them. Oh and we bonded just fine.

[ThatMuppetShow]

It really doesn't matter if one new mother enjoyed visitors or not, it has 0 relevance on what is best for another one.

It's up to the woman who has just been through childbirth to decide when she is ready for visitors. I am amazed that there are still people who need to argue about that.

[Notajogger]

This:
And you are not being precious, despite what some comments have suggested. What is precious is being offended that someone who has just given birth wants a bit of space.

And this:
I don’t understand this entitled ‘you must share the baby/be up for visitors/I’d be so hurt if my daughter did this’ thing. I can’t think of any other time that has you in hospital where you, the patient, are the bad guy for not doing what other people want, when they choose.

As a pp said, there have been various threads about this where people have said the complete opposite of what seems to be coming out on this thread - people can wait to visit, it's up to you, it's about how you feel and people would be ridiculous to not realise that and get het up about having to see the baby 6 milliseconds after it's born etc etc. Very surprised you are being called unreasonable!

[Leaannb]

All of the reasons above...My first born was born in Lakenheath,my second was born in Okinowa,my 3rd and fourth were born local. They didnt meet the 2 little one because they were NICU babies and I didn't want extended family members to meet the los until.after their sibilings were able to meet them

[ReadyPayerTwo]

Aquietlifeplease that is lovely and horrifying at the same time!!

[TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's up to you if you want visitors. When I think of when I've visited friends with their new baby's on hospital it makes me cringe as I think I'd like the peace to bond as a new family

[saraclara]

It's up to the woman who has just been through childbirth to decide when she is ready for visitors. I am amazed that there are still people who need to argue about that.

I don't think anyone has argued against that*. But the close family, while accepting it, have the right to feel sad and hurt.

*Though I do think the father is allowed to express an opinion

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

saraclara that’s where I’d have to disagree with you. You don’t have the ‘right’ to feel sad or hurt because it is not about you, what you want or your feelings at that second. You can feel those things but that’s quite a selfish attitude.

‘I feel sad/hurt’ is just self centred. It’s not about appeasing other peoples wants and expectations at what is a vulnerable time. It’s trying to make this about someone else when unless the child came out of your body, what you want means bugger all.

Yes, what the father wants is nice, but ultimately it’s down to the person who just gave birth, because they are the one who has been through it.

[Leaannb]

No. They don't have the right to be upset or sad because they arwn't getting their way. Childbirth and recovery is not about extended family. Its about the immediate family especially the mother and the baby. What mom says goes. If she wants visitors? Great more power to her. If she doesn't then thats great to and that should be the end of ot. Dad doesn't really get an opinion on how mom.feels and what she needs. So no he doesn't get an opinion

[Babyg1995]

It's your choice at the end of the day and everyone is different I was in hospital 2 weeks after having dc1 was a horrific birth needed blood transfusions ect I had visitors every day one day the room was full my family and ex dps family were just so worried and wanted to see dc looking back now if I had the strength I would have limited the visits it was too much but I was so weak and only 19 years old. Was totally different with dc2 straight forward birth I allowed visitors but not like before I'm pregnant with dc3 now 12 years later and will be the same this time I don't mind visitors just don't overstay and I'm fine with that I understand your family being hurt but like I said it's your choice and they should respect that.

[Nanny0gg]

I don't get it.

My family lived a distance away and I wished they were nearer to meet their grandchildren/nieces and nephews

Do what you want. But people will be hurt. And it's not selfish to feel like that. Selfishness is a chosen action. You can't choose your feelings.

Push away family if you want, but don't be upset if they take the hint.

[phoenixrosehere]

@ThatMuppetShow

Agree with everything that you’ve said.

Every woman is different and there is no right or wrong on how long you need before you have visitors. Do what you’re comfortable with. After the first time, we made it two weeks with our second. People can call us precious if they want but idgaf. My husband and I weren’t happy after having his parents down so soon after birth so why repeat it to make other people happy while making ourselves miserable. We don’t get those memories back and we had much better memories the second time around because we did what was best for us.