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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my best friend is not a friend?

101 replies

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 09:49

So...I've had a friend for 7 years. We've always been there for each other through thick and thin.

In the last two years I've had a baby, and things were good until recently.

My work contract ended so I had no job to go back to... And I've been applying for jobs left right and centre. Eventually I've had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for.

Successful on one occasion, but my friend text saying "awkward I've got 12 hour shifts every day and haven't got time to write your reference haha"

I'd replied saying it's fine, I'll ask someone else. And she said it's okay she'll write it.

But she didn't write it. I messaged to check she was still happy to and she confirmed. But she never wrote it.

I lost the opportunity of the job.

The last two years I've struggled with depression and anxiety, my friend knows this. And the job was going to be a new start for me.

I feel so let down. Particularly as I have stayed awake after working night shifts for days with her, doing her essays etc with her (pre baby) and always been the first to offer her help (post baby).

I just can't decide to let her go and get on with my life or if something bigger is happening. I did try and speak to her and see if everything was okay but I got "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be"

I just don't know what to think

OP posts:

Evilmorty · 14/10/2019 09:52

She had time to write the text, so she has time to write the reference. So YABU for feeling she let you down.

However she didn’t lose you the opportunity, you could have asked someone else to write it at the same time.

Evilmorty · 14/10/2019 09:53

YANBU that should read!!!

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/10/2019 09:55

She absolutely did lose OP the opportunity! I would get in contact with the workplace and explain OP and see if they take pity on you.

Cut ties and move on, just send her a text saying that she deliberately lost you a job, it's unforgivable and you won't be in touch.

MatildaTheCat · 14/10/2019 09:57

Definitely get on with your life. That’s very bad indeed.

Good luck with the job hunt. You know now that you are very much employable as you were successful that time.

Squirrelplay · 14/10/2019 09:58

That was a really shitty thing for her to do - or not do. Did you ask her why she didn't write it? What was her excuse?

Original poster

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 10:00

She told me she had sent it, then the workplace rang to say they hadn't received it. So I contacted my friend who said she'd forgotten.

I contacted the place with another set of details for a referee but they said another person had done as well as me and had the references back. So on the basis mine weren't I lost it 😞

I'd feel so guilty if it were the other way round

OP posts:

EscapeTheCastle · 14/10/2019 10:01

Gosh. That is awful. You don't need to speak her again! Is it really too late to get another reference?

Whattodoabout · 14/10/2019 10:02

YANBU. She knew how much the job meant to you and has majorly let you down. If she hasn’t even apologised and doesn’t feel guilty about it then no, she’s not a real friend.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 14/10/2019 10:04

Hello - perhaps, if you've "had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for" - she may just simply "fed-up" doing the references. Maybe ask someone else - what about your last employer?
Also, if she's working 12 hour shifts - highly possible she genuinely doesn't have time.
You've mentioned "essays" and "12 hour shifts" - is she a Student Nurse by any chance?
Wouldn't give up on your friendship just yet. You both need to have a chat.

Actionhasmagic · 14/10/2019 10:04

Not a friend. Ditch

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2019 10:06

YADNBU OP. What did she say when you told her you'd lost out on the job?

ainsisoisje · 14/10/2019 10:07

To be fair the workplace sound a bit harsh not allowing you to get a different reference in. They sound like they were hedging their bets during the recruitment process so may not be the best place to work? But yes friend did let you down hugely but at least you know where you stand.

Proseccoinamug · 14/10/2019 10:08

There’s no excuse. If she didn’t have time or didn’t feel comfortable to give you a reference she should have said so. Does she realise she cost you a job? I don’t think she is a friend.

Original poster

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 10:08

It's the first time a reference was requested.

She was a student nurse before I had my baby - I'm qualified which is why I always helped her with it all.

She's been qualified a year now - she wasn't working 12 hour shifts for 7 days.

OP posts:

WellardAvocado · 14/10/2019 10:08

perhaps, if you've "had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for" - she may just simply "fed-up" doing the references.

If you've written a reference for the person once you've got it done, and it is a copy/paste job.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2019 10:08

Good God I'd never speak to her again.

Original poster

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 10:09

She didn't ever message. So I did asking if things were okay with her and explained im gutted I didnt get the job. She said "oh well lol"

OP posts:

fedup21 · 14/10/2019 10:11

Sorry but she is a bitch and not your friend

Buyitinbamboo · 14/10/2019 10:15

oh well lol

I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt until this. She is not a friend.

tisonlymeagain · 14/10/2019 10:16

As others have said - cut ties, move on.

I've had to do similar recently with friendships I've had for going on 10 years. It hurts, but it hurts more trying to make yourself believe that you matter to someone when you clearly don't.

Zebraaa · 14/10/2019 10:22

Not your friend, sounds an asshole. Get rid!

CharityConundrum · 14/10/2019 10:25

I would be mortified if I were in her shoes and doing whatever I could to make amends, not 'loling' and acting as though it's unimportant. You deserve better than a friend who doesn't care enough to do something small like this for you, or at least to be up front if they aren't going to manage it to give you a chance to find someone else, particularly after you gave her an out by offering to ask elsewhere.

MrsAJ27 · 14/10/2019 10:26

What a bitch! She is no friend of yours

TatianaLarina · 14/10/2019 10:26

I’d ditch her. She just sounds silly thick and lazy.

Troilusworks · 14/10/2019 10:27

She's a user. You sound lovely and she doesn't deserve you. If you got through one interview process, you'll get through another. Although I think the other employers were a bit mean to not give you another opportunity to get a reference.

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