Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my best friend is not a friend?

101 replies

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 09:49

So...I've had a friend for 7 years. We've always been there for each other through thick and thin.

In the last two years I've had a baby, and things were good until recently.

My work contract ended so I had no job to go back to... And I've been applying for jobs left right and centre. Eventually I've had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for.

Successful on one occasion, but my friend text saying "awkward I've got 12 hour shifts every day and haven't got time to write your reference haha"

I'd replied saying it's fine, I'll ask someone else. And she said it's okay she'll write it.

But she didn't write it. I messaged to check she was still happy to and she confirmed. But she never wrote it.

I lost the opportunity of the job.

The last two years I've struggled with depression and anxiety, my friend knows this. And the job was going to be a new start for me.

I feel so let down. Particularly as I have stayed awake after working night shifts for days with her, doing her essays etc with her (pre baby) and always been the first to offer her help (post baby).

I just can't decide to let her go and get on with my life or if something bigger is happening. I did try and speak to her and see if everything was okay but I got "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be"

I just don't know what to think

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 14/10/2019 10:27

Ditch.
If you are asked to be a referee you either do it diligently or you say no.

Once I have refused. Every other time I have found the time to do it that day.

Vilanelle · 14/10/2019 10:27

Have you directly told her that the sole reason you did not get the job was due to her not completing the reference in time?

AnAbsolutelyShower · 14/10/2019 10:27

agree with everyone else. YANBU. Cut ties with her and move on.

IsobelRae23 · 14/10/2019 10:30

Sorry I’m struggling to understand, if you are a nurse, why is a friend and not your previous employer writing your reference?

AlternativePerspective · 14/10/2019 10:30

She is clearly unreliable and I wouldn’t bother to rely on her for such things again.

But TBH I think that the employer have acted out of order as well. Offering the job to two people and giving it to the one whose references came back first? That sounds to me like they’re hedging their bets and you may have lost out on the opportunity anyway, but tbh sounds to me as if you had a lucky escape.

Dieu · 14/10/2019 10:34

That's really awful, OP. I'd be angry too, and would let her know about it. I hope another opportunity comes up soon Thanks

Beautiful3 · 14/10/2019 10:36

Wow she is not being a friend to you right now! Think you need someone else as reference and stop helping her out. Time to put yourself first.

SummerWhisper · 14/10/2019 10:39

She doesn't care about you one bit now that you are no longer useful to her.
Oh well lol also makes me think she is jealous of you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she lost you that job.
I hope you find a great job very soon. Do not ever help that user again. Flowers

Original poster
WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 10:40

My two previous employers were referees also - for some reason I needed two professional references and a personal one. So my friend was the third.
It was for a school job, I'm having a career change 😄 well, I was trying to!
Thank you for all the support everyone, Ive been feeling really low about it, but perhaps the problem is hers. I think I'll leave her to it!

OP posts:
AllTheNameAreTakenEvenThisOne · 14/10/2019 10:40

Oh well lol is inexcusable. No, she's not a friend.

Butchyrestingface · 14/10/2019 10:40

I contacted the place with another set of details for a referee but they said another person had done as well as me and had the references back. So on the basis mine weren't I lost it 😞

Christ, they sound well ‘arsh. 😧. Not defending your ‘pal’, but you may have dodged a bullet there.

Find a different referee. And stop being so helpful and accommodating of madam in the future.

bakingdemon · 14/10/2019 10:41

Don't use friends as references - use people you have a solely professional relationship with

ucfo · 14/10/2019 10:45

Ditch. She's awful hahahaing and loling at something like that.
And get a new referee.
A personal referee doesn't have to be a friend - it's someone who knows you outside of a work context.
Eg. I had the conductor of an amateur music group I played in write one for me once. I've also had the priest from my church write one. Or if you do voluntary work, someone from there.

BumblePan · 14/10/2019 10:46

That's absolutely awful behaviour from your "friend". Like everybody else, I agree that it's time to cut your ties. Was the LOL meant to be "laugh out loud" or lots of love. If it's the former, its indefensible that a friend would laugh at your misfortune.
Put your time and energy into finding a new referee. Good luck with your job hunting!

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 14/10/2019 10:48

If her response to you telling her you've lost out on a job is 'lol' (even without the fact she had a hand in it) she is no friend.

Highfivemum · 14/10/2019 10:48

So sorry.
She isn’t a friend. As we go through life people will go in and out of it. Some are lifelong and will always be a friend some are just passing and will not. I would suggest she has a different life now and she is getting on with it. Her life doesn’t include you. Realise your own worth and move on. You are worth so so much more.
Good luck with the job hunting.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 14/10/2019 10:52

Hi OP - may I ask when you are due to Revalidate? Thinking, if you've not been employed as a Registered Nurse for a while, you're going to really find it difficult to make those requirements - hundreds of hours + all the paperwork. Add childcare to the equation.
Have you considered Staff Bank?

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 10:52

"oh well lol"

Get rid. Don't feel mean or guilty about it, she certainly doesn't. In fact, I would take great pleasure in getting rid of her.

saraclara · 14/10/2019 11:00

If she knows that the lack of her reference was the only reason you didn't get the job, "Oh well, lol" is unforgiveable.

GoodGriefSunshine · 14/10/2019 11:04

Butchyrestingface I don't know why you think the employers were harsh. If you are recruiting and you have a small number of people who have made it through to potential hires, you haven't got time to arse about with one who hasn't provided what you asked for. The other candidate did. Not suggesting it was OPs fault at all but from an employers POV, why would you bother with chasing people if someone just as good has provided you with all you need. You'd just hire them. Which they did. Nothing sinister.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/10/2019 11:07

She sounds awful OP. She did lose you the job, if she was genuinely too busy, then a true friend would let you know that ASAP so you could sort an alternative. Also her response to you telling her you didn't get it was appalling.

Ditch and move on, this is most definitely her issue

amusedbush · 14/10/2019 11:08

"oh well lol"

I'd tell her that she's a fucking selfish cunt and then I'd never speak to her again. What an ARSEHOLE.

JudgeRindersMinder · 14/10/2019 11:09

That’s really shitty of her, not only did she let you down big time, she also lied about it.
Move on, don’t fall out with her or confront her, just move on, you’re worth more and it’ll be good for your mental health.
I speak from experience, although it was nothing so shitty as costing me a job, just very unsupportive when I needed it

Mephisto · 14/10/2019 11:10

I just can't decide to let her go and get on with my life or if something bigger is happening. I did try and speak to her and see if everything was okay but I got "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be"

She's a bitch. Why oh why did you contact her again OP after what she did? Just block her on everything. Hopefully karma will get her.

Userzzzzz · 14/10/2019 11:13

She was an arse but I also think you’ve dodged a bullet. There’s no way an employer with integrity would do what yours has done to you.