To think my best friend is not a friend?

[WonderingWanderingBilly]

So...I've had a friend for 7 years. We've always been there for each other through thick and thin.

In the last two years I've had a baby, and things were good until recently.

My work contract ended so I had no job to go back to... And I've been applying for jobs left right and centre. Eventually I've had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for.

Successful on one occasion, but my friend text saying "awkward I've got 12 hour shifts every day and haven't got time to write your reference haha"

I'd replied saying it's fine, I'll ask someone else. And she said it's okay she'll write it.

But she didn't write it. I messaged to check she was still happy to and she confirmed. But she never wrote it.

I lost the opportunity of the job.

The last two years I've struggled with depression and anxiety, my friend knows this. And the job was going to be a new start for me.

I feel so let down. Particularly as I have stayed awake after working night shifts for days with her, doing her essays etc with her (pre baby) and always been the first to offer her help (post baby).

I just can't decide to let her go and get on with my life or if something bigger is happening. I did try and speak to her and see if everything was okay but I got "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be"

I just don't know what to think

Honestly, I think it's happened to us all at least once, even with professional references a friend of mine lost out on a big grant because one of her referees flaked out and missed the deadline but not the 'oh well lol' response.

Personally I don’t promise to do something if I’m not serious about following through. Particularly bad form to let you down with a reference. If you feel she is worth it, I’d explain to her how you feel and judge her by the response. If not, move on.

Bloody hell! It takes all of 5 minutes to do a reference.
'oh well lol'???
She's horrible.

Her behaviour was absolutely inexcusable. If I’d been asked to do something as important as a reference I’d either have been honest and said I wouldn’t be able to do it in the time scale, or I’d have prioritised it. To just fail to bother, as your ‘friend’ has done, which then cost you a job is..,well, words fail me.

And as for “Oh well lol” - fuck that. With “friends” like that who needs enemies?

joyfullittlehippo

OP told her "I'd replied saying it's fine, I'll ask someone else. And she said it's okay she'll write it" The friend didn't have to do it.

And then this and explained im gutted I didnt get the job. She said "oh well lol". She is a shitty friend for that alone.

I’m really surprised to see people calling her a bitch cunt arsehole loser just because she forgot/was too busy to write a reference one single time.

I think it was her response of "oh well lol" which meant she got those throughly deserved labels!

She didn't forget. The fact that she told OP that she had sent it (but hadn't) suggests deliberate sabotage. The 'oh well lol' text confirms it.

She didn’t do it deliberately, and she made pretty clear she was overwhelmed with work. The “too busy with 12 hour shifts” was a subtle way of explaining she couldn’t do it.

She'd already done a reference, so it wouldn't take long.

I've been in situations like this before, and in five years time you'll hear, either from her or from someone you both know, some self-serving shite about how she did it because she knew you were overwhelmed with the baby and the job would be too much for you or some other nonsense that makes it look like she was only thinking of you when she screwed you over. Been there, and dumped the friend.

@joyfullittlehippo, she could have been busy. But she should have used her words, or used her “out”

Ex friend is a bitch for her response if “oh well, lol”. She was obviously if not outright sabotaging, she was rooting for her friend to fail.

If you’re too busy to help, say so.

Hmm. My flakey friend couldnt find my emergency keys when I was locked out in a crisis. I decided she wasn't the right person to keep my keys but was still ok as a friend. It was never the same again and we drifted apart.
Agree with pp. she knows where you are if she wants to bring flowers. Otherwise let her jog on, use someone more reliable. Best of luck.

Hi @Otterseatpuffinsdontthey, I'm hoping I don't have to reavalidate and can just quit my nursing to be honest. But only last week I totted up my hours etc, I have about 9 months from now until it all goes kaput 😂 my last employer were fiends with the training days etc, so it's all in a folder good to go...but hopefully I won't need it 🤞

She's not your friend. Don't keep in touch.

she was jealous of you and used you for revision/education purposes.

Now, she doesn't need you and resents you for helping her so she's sabotaging your efforts to find work so that she can remain superior to you. If you find work, then you'll be equal and she doesn't want that.

Unfortunately I think your 'friend' was happy with the friendship when you were helping her with studying/becoming qualified (how much of that did you do?) but you are now no longer of use to her.

Sounds like she clearly sabotaged your chances - any reason why she would? Was it a school nurse job or a different role in a school?

cross post with Nights

Your friend is jealous of you and she didn't want you to get the job.

"Oh well, lol" isn't the response of someone who feels bad about it.

I wouldn't trust her again if I were you.

Ditch and run. She’s not your friend!

@goodgriefsunshine, I didn’t suggest that the employers did anything “sinister”. But I do think they jumped the gun over something that must be a fairly regular occurrence, even when professional references are being sought.

It may well be their loss though as they have potentially missed out on the better candidate.

You just don’t do that. You asked if you should ask someone else, she said she’d do it and then didn’t. If she genuinely forgot surely she would be upset that she let you down and apologise. She clearly doesn’t think it was a big deal at all though. I’m sorry someone you called a good friend has done this OP and I really hope you get the career change you want . I don’t think I could forgive what she did.

I sympathise as I've recently been in a similar position. I didn't lose the job but my friend (my current line manager) took a week to write my reference. Her (way more busy) manager did it in a day.

I view her differently now, knowing that she didn't prioritise something that was very important to me. It's shit isn't it?

She’s a cow.

She likes you in your place. Ditch her.