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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my best friend is not a friend?

101 replies

WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 09:49

So...I've had a friend for 7 years. We've always been there for each other through thick and thin.

In the last two years I've had a baby, and things were good until recently.

My work contract ended so I had no job to go back to... And I've been applying for jobs left right and centre. Eventually I've had a string of interviews, who my friend was referee for.

Successful on one occasion, but my friend text saying "awkward I've got 12 hour shifts every day and haven't got time to write your reference haha"

I'd replied saying it's fine, I'll ask someone else. And she said it's okay she'll write it.

But she didn't write it. I messaged to check she was still happy to and she confirmed. But she never wrote it.

I lost the opportunity of the job.

The last two years I've struggled with depression and anxiety, my friend knows this. And the job was going to be a new start for me.

I feel so let down. Particularly as I have stayed awake after working night shifts for days with her, doing her essays etc with her (pre baby) and always been the first to offer her help (post baby).

I just can't decide to let her go and get on with my life or if something bigger is happening. I did try and speak to her and see if everything was okay but I got "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be"

I just don't know what to think

OP posts:
Spudina · 14/10/2019 12:29

People are saying the OPs friend sabotaged he because her friend lied and said she had done the reference when she hadn’t. Who does that?? Plus the ‘lol’ comment. This woman is not really your friend OP. Sorry this happened to you.

Butchyrestingface · 14/10/2019 12:30

She likes you in your place. Ditch her.

As a friend is apt to remind me, “it’s not because they’re bad people, Butchy. It’s because they’re fucking stupid.”

I think this probably applies here.

shiningstar2 · 14/10/2019 12:35

On the employing side I have seen some very poor reference from people who the interviewee thought was a friend. I sometimes wonder if so call friends get jealous if someone they thought was 'lower' in employment status than themselves takes a step up. If I am asked for a reference myself I always let the person wanting a reference know as soon as I've been asked for one. I also tell them the date it was sent and I always give the person wanting the reference an exact copy of what I have written. I wouldn't like anyone I wrote a reference for to think that anything I wrote had prevented them getting a job. They have trusted me to write honestly whilst presenting them in the best light possible and I always do. They wouldn't ask someone for a reference who they thought might not think them suitable for the job. If someone doesn't want to give you a copy of the reference they sent I would suspect they haven't sent a very good one. I know that in this case the reference wasn't sent at all but if it has been sent and you don't get the job always ask for feedback. Was it the interview ...or the qualifications/experience or the reference. You will then know not to use that friend again. Good luck with the job hunting.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 14/10/2019 12:38

Cut her off.

Wolfiefan · 14/10/2019 12:39

Did she apply for the job herself I wonder?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 12:40

Op what did you reply to her "oh well lol"? Has she been in touch since? I'd def not contact HER, and see if she tries to repair things

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 12:48

joyfullittlehippo

Have you done something similar? I think it's you who may be projecting.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SVRT19674 · 14/10/2019 12:49

That's really bad, OP. No, she hasn't got your back. By the way, i had to laugh at the one saying she was probaby fed up with writing references...you heard of copy paste haven't you. You have a template, change date, hit print. And that is it basically.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachelover60 · 14/10/2019 12:56

Another thread starting with 'So'.

I feel for you, your friend could have taken the time to write you a personal reference: I've done that more than once for a friend and it didn't take long. It seems she didn't prioritise you.

Do tell her you're not happy about it. How you proceed with the friendship is up to you.

All the very best to you Flowers.

Troilusworks · 14/10/2019 13:01

Joyfullittlehippo you're just making things up though. She hasn't constantly asked for references. She had a few potential jobs which would require references and only one came through. In fact the OP had done lots of favours for her not the other way round.

Also doing a reference for someone is not the same as forgetting to buy the milk or booking the cinema tickets. It's a major thing. If she couldn't do it, she shouldn't lie about having done it, that only compounds it.

The lol comment says it all.

So I agree with PP it's you that's projecting, not us.

amusedbush · 14/10/2019 13:06

@joyfullittlehippo

Are you the friend??

billy1966 · 14/10/2019 13:07

So sorry OP.

Good friends do not behave like that.

She is not your friend.

I hope a suitable position comes up soon for you.

Do not waste any further time on her.
💐

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leomama81 · 14/10/2019 13:22

She probably just got confused with the number of different references she’s been asked to write. No indication she lied.

OP said this was the first time a reference had actually been requested of her.

She did say she'd sent it, which if you've only been asked to do one you don't just get confused about. I

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 13:23

If I am “projecting” I am projecting my experiences as someone who has never had a “bad” friend, failed friendship, or feel the need to go NC with anyone. Maybe because I give people the benefit of the doubt and chose friends because I actually like them, rather than dumping anyone I can’t gain from?

Maybe you're not very good at recognising when you're being treated like shit. Anyone who responds "Oh well lol" as OPs 'friend' did is not a true friend. Anyone who accepts this from a 'friend' doesn't have good, clear personal boundaries.

leomama81 · 14/10/2019 13:26

OP said she'd been put down as a reference, actually asked to write one. That isn't so difficult to understand.

MN isn't a thing by the way. And I haven't seen any posters calling this woman names, just saying from what OP has said she has not been a good friend.

I have been asked to write multiple references while a pregnant full time working single mum, I haven't let anyone down, or misled them about whether I have or haven't written it. And if I had I would be seriously apologetic.

Original poster
WonderingWanderingBilly · 14/10/2019 13:26

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It happened a month or so ago now, I just kept going over and over it and wondering if I was unreasonable or not...

I've decided that she probably felt she had to say yes. I definitely don't think it excuses her lying and saying it was sent. And although I'd had a few interviews, this was her first approach for a reference.

Your comments have made me look back at the friendship....
I helped her no end through uni, at all sorts of hours.
I sent her £100 when I was in labour at the hospital because she was skint.
I could go on.

Hand on heart, I rang her once when my baby was tiny and just crying and crying. She came and thankfully helped.
And then this reference.

That's all I've asked for. So it's certainly not for gain.

After her "lol" text I didn't reply. She turned up a couple of weeks ago to give me her dogs whilst she had a weekend away. (I offered ages ago and she declined....but last minute she turned up anyway)

Think I'm just going to leave with the drama and let her get on with it. Won't ask her for a reference again, wish her no harm, but remember she let me down.

Thank you everyone 🥰

OP posts:
Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 13:49

I helped her no end through uni, at all sorts of hours

I sent her £100 when I was in labour at the hospital because she was skint

She turned up a couple of weeks ago to give me her dogs whilst she had a weekend away. (I offered ages ago and she declined....but last minute she turned up anyway)

I'm not one bit surprised to read that. Decent people don't just out of the blue decide to be a selfish, shit person. It's their personality and they're usually always takers.

billy1966 · 14/10/2019 15:16

Wise move OP.

No real friend would reply "lol" like that.

MzHz · 14/10/2019 16:27

Op, even if your “friend” is on fire... cross your legs and whatever you do, don’t piss on her.

She’s not even worth the steam...

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 14/10/2019 16:48

Hi Op - if you're pretty up-to-date with the paperwork + have about 9 more months to accumulate hours - I'd urge you to meet the Revalidation requirements and keep your Registration. Think on all the hard work you did as a Student Nurse to get your qualification. Nursing is hard work - particularly the wards - I don't need to tell you that.
As aforementioned, what about Staff Bank?
Check the weekend rates - they are pretty good.
It would be more flexible as you have a little one.
You won't be involved in ward politics.
Festive off duty - you're working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - nope! Grin
Also, working in different areas - you might find somewhere you like.
Best of Luck Flowers