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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like to hear people being described as toxic?

112 replies

Wanttosleep92 · 14/10/2019 07:46

Am I the only one who feels a bit sad at the tendency to describe people as ‘toxic’? I seem to be seeing it all the time - I follow a social media account promoting ‘positive mental health’ and they just shared a quote about cutting toxic people out. I do get not speaking to certain people for your own self preservation but I just hate the word toxic in that it seems to imply that a person is irrevocably bad/irredeemable. It just doesn’t seem very charitable or forgiving or nuanced. It also makes me dwell on my own past mistakes, I hate that there are people out there who would probably describe me as toxic...Blush maybe I’m being naive but I just wish people could be a bit more forgiving and loving to one another instead of dismissing people as toxic for any bad behaviour

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 14/10/2019 07:48

Some people are toxic.
They don't deserve forgiveness or a part of your life. And should be on their own at Xmas.

Poignet · 14/10/2019 07:51

I think it’s a silly term. What the person using it often means is ‘X doesn’t behave well towards me’ or ‘I have a poor relationship with X’ or ‘I really dislike X’. Calling X ‘toxic’ removes the possibility that the toxicity is in any way two-way, and puts all the bad stuff 100% on the other person.

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/10/2019 07:51

My mother is toxic. She's truly poisonous and has made me and my sister nervous anxious wrecks as adults because of her wildly unpredictable moods and narcissistic rages when we were children.

Anyone who takes your energy and creates negativity in your life is toxic.

Socksey · 14/10/2019 07:51

Maybe .... but if people have been carrying out certain behaviours for 50+ years and refuse to accept they are anything other than perfect and that they are always being wronged despite particularly nasty behaviour from them.... 🤔 sometimes toxic is a good word.. . They also don't like to think of their perfect innocence in everything described as toxic etc..
Been dealing with this for my whole life and said person actually thinks they are the put upon one....

Socksey · 14/10/2019 07:52

Please note said person I mentioned above is like this in all her close relationships.... either it's her or....

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/10/2019 07:53

My mother is 100% toxic @Poignet To suggest that she was emotionally abusive because I somehow has something to do with it it's ludicrous. It was, absolutely 100% on her.

missmouse101 · 14/10/2019 07:53

I know what you mean OP. People can and do change and it's a terrible label, as if they are rotten to the core. People's behaviour would be better labelled as toxic, rather than the person.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/10/2019 07:54

There is definitely toxic behaviour. Its always best to avoid people's toxic behaviour as much as possible.

ClemDanFango · 14/10/2019 07:55

Sounds like you just want assuage your own guilt for doing shitty things to people in the past.

Poignet · 14/10/2019 07:56

So why not say ‘my mother behaves badly towards me’ and ‘ I hate my mother’ @NonUrinatInVentum?

theWarOnPeace · 14/10/2019 07:56

I do think the word is overused, but on the other hand would hope that people can see the difference between someone being toxic, and someone who did something wrong and is sorry.

I know plenty of toxic people, their behaviour towards others is always geared towards bolstering their own self-esteem, or gaining in some other way. Many are narcissists. I would say that close relationships with those types are at your own peril.

On the other hand, nice and ordinary people in your life can do something to upset you without being toxic. That person would surely have to be sorry, though, and make some attempts to make things right.

IMO all abusers are toxic. People who gaslight are toxic. People who are deeply selfish and use others for their own ends are toxic. There’s lots of them!

6utter6ean · 14/10/2019 07:56

I dislike the term, too.

I think the phrase 'a toxic relationship' is marginally better, but just to describe a person themselves as toxic is simply name calling.

pooopypants · 14/10/2019 07:57

Some people are toxic OP. You not like the label, as some people dislike the word 'moist'. Doesn't make the word any less appropriate or correct.

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/10/2019 07:57

I do, frequently. But ultimately it's because she is toxic. She destroys everything she touches. Every family event, Christmas, birthdays, gatherings. Everything. Because she is a toxic person.

CormacMcLaggen · 14/10/2019 08:01

My mother is toxic, it's an apt and to-the-point description.

I wouldn't say 'my mother behaves badly to me' because that's a patronising understatement and I wouldn't say 'I hate my mum' because I don't.

Better to say 'toxic' as it's true and everyone knows what you mean.

Original poster
Wanttosleep92 · 14/10/2019 08:01

But it precludes somebody being able to change doesn’t it? If somebody behaves terribly and is told that they are simply toxic and this behaviour is inherent for them, there is no incentive to be better, as another poster said it is as though they are simply rotten to the core. Whereas if they are treated with compassion/as a flawed human being surely anyone can get better? But then I suppose it’s difficult in where to draw the line, not sure I’d want to be compassionate to a serial killer or serial rapist or something but... I don’t know. I feel quite Jesus-y.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 14/10/2019 08:02

I think it can be suitable. For example plenty of people out there have “wronged” me in some way, but I can still see that overall those people aren’t bad people and it’s just that they either made a mistake or we clashed over something or our personalities don’t gel etc.

However there is one person in my life who upsets everyone she comes into contact with, repeatedly. She can’t bear to be happy for anyone else and she sees other people’s happiness as a direct attack on her own life so is continuously trying to tear everyone else down. I happily describe her as toxic as I feel getting involved with her in any way is certain to bring you stress and unhappiness. She would never think she has done anything wrong despite having very few friends due to her constant awful behaviour.

lynzpynz · 14/10/2019 08:04

If you don't like the thought of being called toxic or having certain behaviour labelled as toxic... there's a simple solution.

I personally don't object to labelling something or someone toxic, I'd use it to describe something that in its current state the labeller is often better off with it out of your life. Having said that I also don't believe someone is 'cancelled' and irredeemable forever... although some people and behaviours have a bit of a mountain to climb to be forgiven as others have said.

CormacMcLaggen · 14/10/2019 08:09

Have you been brought up with a toxic family member, OP? Or been in a toxic relationship? Or been subject to a sexual and/or violent assault? Compassion in these cases is best directed towards yourself.

I feel quite Jesus-y.

Riiight. Hmm

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/10/2019 08:11

@Wanttosleep92 I hope you never have to deal with a narcissist.

Whereas if they are treated with compassion/as a flawed human being surely anyone can get better? This is a naive statement.

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/10/2019 08:14

I'm actually pretty angry with everyone saying "just treat them better"

FUCK THAT - Thanks to my mother it's taken me 35 years to realise that it's not me, I'm not the things she said I was, I'm not a cruel bully like she said. I have PTSD due to the emotional and mental abuse of my childhood.

COMPASSION MY ARSE

Original poster
Wanttosleep92 · 14/10/2019 08:20

@CormacMcLaggen I have been raped, and no I don’t like to think about being compassionate towards him. So I do understand. It’s just about wanting to live in a kinder world, I know this sounds naive and maybe it is, I just feel like everyone is going around seething with everybody else and the world seems very unforgiving at times.

OP posts:
Weirdwonders · 14/10/2019 08:24

I don’t think I do know what people mean when they say someone is toxic, because it’s not descriptive of someone’s behaviour. It’s turning into a throwaway, dismissive term.

Love the way this has turned into a pile on for someone who’s trying to show compassion - we’re only talking about a phrase here, no one’s trying to absolve your mothers of blame.

BuckingFrolics · 14/10/2019 08:26

I agree OP.

People are human. That's all we are. We are also all flawed. Labelling anyone - "she's a bully", "he's toxic" - shuts down any possibility of them changing, ends any conversation about needs and wants and relationship, and pushes that person into a cycle of defence which will exacerbate their self-protecting behaviours ie the "toxicity" gets worse.

Labelling people this way let's us off the hook for our own behaviour, and polarises people as good, ok and bad.

The only labels that are ok are medical ones, given by a medical expert.

araiwa · 14/10/2019 08:28

Meh. Its just one of those words de jour that become so overused that they lose all meaning and disappear as quick as they came in to fashion.

Other current mn words de jour include narcisism, othering, anxiety and mental health- hardly used a year ago, common now, will disappear again soon