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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bit hmm about MIL not buying christmas presents

96 replies

Lemonnhoney · 13/10/2019 21:40

MIL mentioned today that she won't be buying xmas gifts for adults (4 DC) and only for grandchildren.

I get it, its maybe to do with being short on money atm, and its not all about material gifts ect, but i just feel a bit weird about it and sad for my DH.

I know he doesnt need christmas presents off his parents but for me its lovely to exchange meaningful gifts at christmas with those you care about.

I dunno, just seeing what other peoples opinions are.

AIBU for thinking its a bit sad.

Oh n her children are 18, 27, 28 and 30

OP posts:
Hundredacrewoods · 13/10/2019 21:43

Has she said that she doesn’t expect gifts from her adult children either, or does she still expect them?!

I think it’s a bit harsh on the 18 yo, chances are they’re still at school and will be the only one who no longer receives Christmas presents from their parents!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 13/10/2019 21:46

My family have started doing that. To be honest we are all so busy at that time of year, its stressful, and I'm not sure that everyone really enjoyed their gifts. We still have a lovely day and we all like watching the kids opening their presents, it's just less stressful beforehand. What we tend to do instead is all contribute something a bit posh towards the food and drink eg some expensive wine that we wouldn't normally have bought if we'd spent up on presents. I cant say I personally miss the giving or receiving, but that's just me and I can see how some people would

Wonkybanana · 13/10/2019 21:47

We give presents amongst immediate family adults, but I don't think it's necessary. This isn't about how you feel on your husband's behalf, it's about how he feels, but I'd expect him to be OK about it.

As long as MIL doesn't then circulate a present list for herself with nothing under £50 on it, it's fine. be honest - what could she get him that he couldn't have any other way?

lostonadustyrock · 13/10/2019 21:48

Errrr..... does your DH mind?
I think even by age 18, ‘ meaningful’ is a nice idea but how often are gifts actually so touching and important?

Might be wise, in the nicest possible way, to separate your expectations from your husband’s? It’s really not your concern. FWIW many families have this sort of arrangement out of concern for finances, not having a house full of well intentioned crap, the environment etc.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 13/10/2019 21:48

I wish I could do the raise. I raised it with my sibling, rather than buy for him sibling and partner I would just buy for the kids instead. Didn’t go down well.

But I’m buying for 4 people and they’re buying for one. Hmm

Maybe MIL is trying to establish the same rules. How many children?

I also feel bad for the 18 year old. They’re missing out on lots of years of gifts their siblings had. And I bet they don’t have DC themselves.

Original poster
Lemonnhoney · 13/10/2019 21:48

No she didnt say, we will deffinetly get them both gifts though as like I said I enjoy giving people close to me presents at that time of year.

Maybe she will buy 18 year old something, he is only one without children so perhaps different situation.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/10/2019 21:49

My family only buy for kids- seriously I think adults wanting presents if ridiculous! Things I actually need/ want cost too much money to be a gift so I’ll just end up with schmutter, wasting money!

Chilledout11 · 13/10/2019 21:51

My mil hasn't given dh or I presents (or dc) ever in the time I have known him. She doesnt do birthdays but sends £ 20 to dc on their birthday.

That's alright with me. We give her a decent present (100 pound or so)

Mine isn't doing gifts this year either so I am not giving much but a token gift.

Original poster
Lemonnhoney · 13/10/2019 21:52

Yea fair enough Im probably BU lol.

It isnt always something meaningful they buy either tbf just underwear or aftershave ect.

Definetly better to receive less tat and have it wasted!

I

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 13/10/2019 21:55

Well if they don't buy meaningful stuff anyway, what's the problem? Grown adults don't need gifts at christmas. Sure it's nice, but I think some people put far too much pressure on themselves to get gifts for everyone

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 13/10/2019 22:00

I would be perfectly happy with that and I would also be happy with not buying any presents.

Fuck knows no one needs any more crap just for the sake of it.

willstarttomorrow · 13/10/2019 22:00

We agreed to small gifts or a secret santa for adults years ago. Christmas is an expensive time and sometimes needs reigning in. Buying for adults is an extra stress, particularly on a budget. Unless your buget is hefty you really just end up buying stuff people really do not want or need. However thoughtful your gift may seem, usually it will not be used. If you really think about the gifts you give and recieve as an adult they are usually a bit crap. Unless wine, food etc it is usually make up, bath stuff we would not buy, or candles/homeware. I have been with my in laws this weekend and mad a note of small things they would appreciate (eg. a Japanese tea after going to a restaurant and them commenting on it). We would rather spend our money on an amazing meal out on Xmas eve etc.

Winteriscomingfast · 13/10/2019 22:01

Honestly- it is massively sensible. We all give and receive too much crap. Stopping present giving for adult in our family was just a massive relief all round. We all earn and can buy what we want- we didn't want or need the stuff that the people were buying.

I would still give to the 18 year old if I was her.

Fishcakey · 13/10/2019 22:03

We only buy for children. My mum and I aren't buying for each other this year for the first time. I'm broke so this is a relief! Meaningful my arse, Christmas is basically making people broke who can't afford it! It's for kids. They should get all the presents.

Iloveacurry · 13/10/2019 22:05

Just say what a great idea and obviously we won’t be getting anything for you either.

Prisonbreak · 13/10/2019 22:05

At 32, I’m the baby of our family. So yes we all buy for one another. I think if little tots were involved we would still buy for the adults but perhaps a little less

Love51 · 13/10/2019 22:06

I'd be happy with just getting gifts til I had kids, then getting for the kids. But DH's family are very generous and wouldn't like to leave us out. We don't reciprocate on the same scale, but neither do any of the other numerous siblings. I think it is their way of keeping things even, giving generously at birthdays and Christmas, whereas my parents only have 2 kids and would treat us / our kids as the fancy took them, without having to work too hard to keep things even. MIL is very keen on keeping things even, down to if she visits grandchildren and gets them a magazine she does it for the other set too.
I'm not a very comfortable receiver of gifts. My kids are - they get so excited, they are way more gratifying to buy for than I am!
Anyhow, some of us aren't great with Christmas and birthdays. We do feed people, help paint their houses and provide lifts as needed, maybe think about what mil (& fil?) Bring to your family and feel gratitude for that?

DappledThings · 13/10/2019 22:08

My side haven't done presents for adults for years, only for the children. We do goats and I love it. So much less stressful.

PIL do presents for everyone and I try to get put of it by asking for joint stuff with DH (that's really only stuff he wants) which has some success.

nanbread · 13/10/2019 22:08

I've been begging my family to do this for years, now with some success. Anything that reduces unnecessary consumption gets a thumbs up from me.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/10/2019 22:09

We do secret Santa for the adults at Christmas there will be eight with us on Christmas Day, budget £50, so everyone gets one nice present to open after dinner rather than loads of tat or bubble bath. We all buy for the children though, DH and I buy for each other and this year we will be buying nice gifts for both grandmas from DS as they are saving us a fortune in child care every week and it's more of a thank you

username977943 · 13/10/2019 22:09

If it's for financial reasons I completely understand. Only one side of my family celebrate Xmas and I am glad that is the case at the minute. Currently going onto maternity leave and I just don't have the money. I love Xmas but I think it's too much now. Some members of my family get themselves into debt every year giving presents that are often not really needed/wanted.
Wish I had the guts to say a similar rule. I have tried hinting a few times that Xmas will be difficult this year for me. But it's always laughed off saying I can't be a Scrooge Confused

IceCreamConewithaflake · 13/10/2019 22:10

I think it's sad. Giving and receiving presents brings a lot of joy. It doesn't need to cost much at all.

Hagbeth · 13/10/2019 22:10

I don’t buy for grown ups, only my children. I now stopped buying for extended family children as well, there are just too many of them now. I don’t expect any presents and am happy with this.

Downton57 · 13/10/2019 22:12

I'm part of a large family and present giving was getting ridiculous as partners/grandchildren arrived. Now we organise that everyone buys one gift for one nominated person, for a maximum of £20. All family members get one gift, so it saves a fortune and has massively cut down on all the tat.

SunshineAngel · 13/10/2019 22:17

I think if you're going to do that, you have to make it clear to the people who won't be getting gifts from you that you don't want gifts from them either.

My partner and I made an agreement that we wouldn't exchange gifts last Christmas, as things were incredibly tight - and it didn't even matter. We still enjoyed the whole festive period together, and probably won't do gifts this year either.