To feel bit hmm about MIL not buying christmas presents

[Lemonnhoney]

MIL mentioned today that she won't be buying xmas gifts for adults (4 DC) and only for grandchildren.

I get it, its maybe to do with being short on money atm, and its not all about material gifts ect, but i just feel a bit weird about it and sad for my DH.

I know he doesnt need christmas presents off his parents but for me its lovely to exchange meaningful gifts at christmas with those you care about.

I dunno, just seeing what other peoples opinions are.

AIBU for thinking its a bit sad.

Oh n her children are 18, 27, 28 and 30

I just give my children money .I remember all the stress of wrapping buying for extended family etc no more.
Even stopped inviting others for Christmas dinner just got to much.
I do have a child with severe autism .Thats hat made me make the decision in the end.
Going through a divorce this year wonder how that will play out ..would rather he didn’t join in as his not going to make us any merrier than we would be without him.
You MIL must have had it up to her neck buying things she knew wasn’t needed.
If you feel so strongly tell her how you feel with regards to the 18 year old.
Feeling sorry for your husband why.
Feel sorry for his mother,the stress of having to make the decision couldn’t have been easy.

In our family adults’ names are put in a hat and each one gets one other person to buy a thoughtful gift for. No other gifts are exchanged. Children of course get spoilt. It means everyone gets one thing they actually like and enjoy - and rather than spreading money thinly over a large group of people, you can buy one genuinely nice thing for one person.

But if its your choice to ff why feel shit about it?

Every family is different.

In my family we have so many adults and children it just got too much. A few years ago we decided to stop adult gifts. It's been great. It has made Christmas more enjoyable as I get to spend more time on buying the kids in my family presents and making Christmas enjoyable for them because to me that's what it's all about.

We stopped as a family years ago. I was buying for my sisters family of 4, then the 'children' started getting Partners, add a stepchild or two. So we agreed (led by mother) to just do cards since we were all adults capable of buying most things we want. Works better all around imo.

I work in a charity shop and January is a bumper month, in fact the very best, for donations. Socks. A zillion pairs of Xmas socks. And picture frames. And dodgy ornaments. Soap and cheap smelly stuff.
There's quite a lot of decent clothes as well, kids and adults, that probs simply don't fit properly. And diaries and calendars. Loads of stuff.

I think it’s absolutely fine to buy only for grandchildren. She can bring a box of chocolate/ nice bottle for DH and you or offer you a babysitting or even nothing (depending on circumstances). I would check about her expecting gifts from you, maybe joining you for a pantomime or something like this would be better idea.

The 18 years old child is very different story. He/she deserves a gift. He’s in very different category from 27, 28 and 30 years old who have partners and children. I wouldn’t mind my parents not buying me presents if they are treating my sibling equally. But when they are buying for my sibling’s child but nothing for me it doesn’t sound fair. 18 years old might even say that he’s ok with this but would definitely resent this later.
I usually “allocate” some budget per family. So after my nephew’s got a partner and a child he’s receiving less presents but I’m buying for his partner and his child. It’s just rough guidance but it helps me enormously.

Think of it from MILs pov - her family has expanded over the years to include partners and grandchildren which doesn't just increase the cost, it's also the amount of time and effort involved in choosing the 'right' gift.

Posters often go on about inexpensive but meaningful gifts. In reality people are buying for PILs, SILs and DILs that they may well be very fond of and get on well with but they don't actually know them well enough to choose something meaningful. That's why Boots sell a hell of a lot of gift sets! IMO if somebody suggests they want to stop or cut back on Christmas giving then people should just accept that.

To those posters saying their family members wouldn't agree you don't have to get their agreement! You do have to tell them clearly (with a bit of notice) and then stick to it. Nobody else gets to decide how your money or time should be spent and there's probably no other situation where posters would accept a sibling or IL dictating this! Yes, you may find that someone continues to buy for you after you've been clear you're not doing it but that's where you have to hold your nerve. If somebody chooses to do that, knowing you'd prefer they didn't, that's their decision. You just have to stick to your guns and don't allow yourself to be embarrassed or manipulated into joining in again.

I dislike adult presents in general. Do much that. I find it hugely depressing.

I think it's a brilliant idea. Would save a lot of stress.

YABU.
It's a bit sad consumerism is so deeply integrated into society people consider it to be sad if you can't/don't buy something for everyone. It's not an obligation to buy anything for anyone at Christmas.

I'd actually tell her that she doesn't have to buy anything for the children but you'd all love a homemade cake or some biscuits as a family present!
Cheaper and more heart-felt. Although that may be sadder to you, I don't know.

I think well done MIL..its a brilliant decision.I WAS doing the same this year until my husband put his foot in it and now I am stuck with 17 more presents to buy....the stupid ughhhh! We were cutting back not for financial reasons but for the sheer waste and greed aspect of it and now we can;t cos he is a prat.So now I have had the annual list from inlaws kids and grandkids and am expected to spend 1000 pounds only for my daughter to recieve something shite from the poundshop if that,I know you dont give to recieve and all thatand I really don;t want anything but they exclude and forget about our 7 yr old year in year out with not a thanks for their gift and expect e to drive 200 miles to deliver them too.....this has nearly caused a divorce in our house this weekend.They demand and they get and I hate bloody christmas and I am ranting sorry OP ...I just wish everyone would be sensible and just buy for their own and take the pressure off.It gets dafter with every passing year....

I think MIL's decision is fine, although I*m sad for the 18 year old, that's a bit young for a cut off. I'd wait until they were earning their own money in a stable job post education first.

What we do in my family is make a list of what we'd like, then we band together, siblings and my mum, to buy one item off the list. It's usually something we need and a bigger ticket item so it's really nice to get something useful. The nieces and nephews we usually buy for until they turn 21, although I've been known to keep going because I want to at times. It gets expensive as an aunt, particularly with 6 siblings and their ensuing families as well.

I dont this is a big deal. My DH has a big family so we do a secret Santa instead. My mum and her sisters always just got presents for the kids (nieces and nephews) instead of each other. I could understand a grandma just wanting to spoil her grandkids rather than buying things for her own grown up children who probably don't really need anything.

We stopped buying for anyone other than children a few years ago. Prior to that, we all bought for parents, children and siblings and their partners. My Mum had 35 people to buy for. It was outrageous.

So now we buy for children then each adult who wants to spends $60 on a lovely but generic present and then we play a game - we draw a number out of the hat. Person 1 chooses a wrapped present from the pile and unwraps it in front of people. Person 2 can choose from the pile of unwrapped gifts or steal from Person 1 (who then gets to choose a different gift from the pile). Person 3 can then choose a new gift or steal from 1 or 2 and so forth. To be honest, it has made our Christmas sooooo much more fun. We have now implemented a variation of this game in each family group we spend time with and everyone loves it. Buying presents for individuals can be incredibly stressful and expensive, but stopping doesn't have to mean a sad Christmas.

What if Person 1 wants the gift they unwrapped and person 2 wants to 'seal' it Zippety? I'd be mightily fucked off if I lost a gift that way!

I think many families do this, I know a few of my relatives only buy for my DC which is absolutely fine by me. I can’t see an issue with it tbh, adults really don’t need Christmas presents and usually they’re crap anyway.

Dp and my parents don't for their children, not a big deal. Although there are 10 kids in my Dp side lol. They do a secret santa with a £15 limit. It's good fun.

@Damntheman it's all part of the fun. They have a chance to steal it back again in round 2. But everyone participating has agreed to the rules and the quality of gifts is usually awesome, I would have happily accepted most of them last year. Some years there is one present that just keeps getting stolen but that usually just ends up in shrieks of laughter.