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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bit hmm about MIL not buying christmas presents

96 replies

Lemonnhoney · 13/10/2019 21:40

MIL mentioned today that she won't be buying xmas gifts for adults (4 DC) and only for grandchildren.

I get it, its maybe to do with being short on money atm, and its not all about material gifts ect, but i just feel a bit weird about it and sad for my DH.

I know he doesnt need christmas presents off his parents but for me its lovely to exchange meaningful gifts at christmas with those you care about.

I dunno, just seeing what other peoples opinions are.

AIBU for thinking its a bit sad.

Oh n her children are 18, 27, 28 and 30

OP posts:
CordeliaGoode · 13/10/2019 23:23

YABVU.

WagtailRobin · 13/10/2019 23:24

I'm from a very large family, emphasis on the large, there are so many of us and now factoring in grandchildren (loads of those too) and daughter/son in-laws, Christmas is a very, very expensive time for my mum.

My siblings range from 36 to 49 and my mum still buys gifts for all, and not "tat" either but to be honest I wish she wouldn't. She saves all year, starts shopping early but I think her money would be better spent on herself. My siblings all have jobs/their own homes, they don't need gifts.

I do all of my mum's Christmas shopping for her because she has mobility issues and wouldn't be savvy with the internet, she pays for it all though and to be honest it sickens me sometimes buying stuff I know no one needs, they will love yes but not need.

I think your MIL is perfectly correct, she doesn't need to buy her children gifts, her gift to them was raising them and if it's an issue with affordability you can hardly blame the woman, she can't spend money she doesn't have.

SunniDay · 13/10/2019 23:24

Buying presents is only enjoyable if you can afford it. If you are worrying about how to pay the bills or buy for your own kids it is just stressful.

If someone suggests "can we just buy for the kids" you should listen as saying how much you enjoy buying for everyone just continues the pressure for them to reciprocate.

Feeling sorry for your husband not getting a present is dramatic. I have spent plenty of time already thinking about/googling for my kids presents. Wanting anything myself hasn't crossed my mind. I'm not a martyr but my pleasure Christmas morning will come through them. As long as someone has got me some chocolate I'll be happy. If not I'll pinch some off the kids.

If MIL buys for the 18 year old don't cause a drama about playing favourites, they are much younger and I imagine don't have their own kids. Christmas is about generosity of spirit not generosity of credit card.

Lazysundays18 · 13/10/2019 23:24

YABU. Think about how many people she has to buy for - older children, partners & grandchildren. She's probably spending a fortune and is stressed out in the process. That's not what Christmas is about.

IceCreamBrain · 13/10/2019 23:25

I think it's a shame if that also includes the 18 yr old, but other than that a good idea

CheeryB · 13/10/2019 23:27

My husband has a big family and I've been trying for years to persuade everyone to just buy for the children but they won't have it. Come January I'm taking a boxful of stuff I neither want nor need down to the charity shop - including stuff my husband and have got that are duplicated or don't fit or are just not wanted. Perfumed soap that makes me itchy. Ugly photo frames. Huge bright orange fleece throw. Perfumed paraffin candles. So wasteful it pisses me off. Nothing joyful about Xmas presents for adults that you're not absolutely positive they'll love.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/10/2019 23:37

We tend to do a family treat rather than gifts now, so a family trip to the theatre, afternoon tea etc. DS is the only child so he gets gifts still, and DH and I still do presents for each other, and if any family are staying with us on Christmas Day they will get a stocking. It just makes things easier and reduces waste.

We don't see each other regularly so going out for a nice treat when we meet up is a special occasion. Better than traipsing round the shops trying to think of something they would like (rather than need) and then pay extortionate postage costs so they get it in time for Xmas, or get Amazon to deliver direct straight to them, which sort of takes away the spirit of Christmas.

If someone desperately needs something and can't afford it, then we would probably put money towards it rather than theatre ticket, but otherwise we go for the treat option

ButtonMoonLoon · 13/10/2019 23:38

We do this in my family. Adults without children are bought gifts by everyone.
Adults with children don’t get gifts, as their children do.

Drabarni · 13/10/2019 23:39

It's a bit tough on the 18 year old if the 30 year old has always received gifts, but we don't do presents for adults either so I can see both sides.
It seems as though she's had enough and I don't blame her.

janaus50s · 13/10/2019 23:40

I think if any of the adult children don’t have children themselves they should still get present. Its ok for the adult children with their own children to miss out on a gift, and for their kids to receive.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/10/2019 23:43

I bet she will get the 18 yo something. If there may be any concern she is short of money you shouldn't question her choice.
Christmas is about the GC not the adults when cash is scarce.
For us it costs a few hundred for presents it hinders activities for us over Christmas, it is money that can be spent elsewhere.
I'd love to stop the adults, stick with nieces and nephews.
Good on her for saying it.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/10/2019 23:45

Actually I would like to stop the adults nieces and nephews. 🎅

EmeraldShamrock · 13/10/2019 23:46

Adult siblings. Not DC.

Butterymuffin · 13/10/2019 23:46

Shit for the 18 year old. I hope she doesn't expect presents herself.

RubbingHimSourly · 13/10/2019 23:48

We've done this for years.

We buy gifts for the childless adults as they buy for the DC and gifts for each others children but not their parents. It suits us and puts a lid on the ridiculous spendfest that Christmas has become.

StillMedusa · 14/10/2019 00:25

I have 4 adult kids, with assorted partners plus parents etc and Xmas was eye wateringly expensive!

Last year we decided to cut down, and DD2 allocated everyone two people to buy for. I also do stockings for all the kids and partners (I enjoy it.. but most is Primark) but have said that the stockings stop when one of them produces a grandchild! They are aged 22-27 so hopefully in the next few years...

beethebee · 14/10/2019 00:29

We only do presents for children and a secret Santa for the adults. So much less stressful all round.

fairfat40 · 14/10/2019 00:30

YABU. May all your problems be as small. Who wants more tat in their lives? The 18 year old should still get a gift though.

Oakandlove · 14/10/2019 01:07

How many grandkids does she have OP? After a point I think she is correct, with 4 of her own children and presumably some partners and then grandkids as well, it's way too many Christmas presents to be buying. Presents should just be for the grandkids.

Oakandlove · 14/10/2019 01:09

And maybe her 18 year old child or a child who is single

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2019 01:22

@HollowTalk
"I can't imagine a day where I wouldn't buy my adult children a Christmas present."

What do you buy, though?

Two of my children earn more than i do. They don't want stuff. I was just handing them money and they asked me not to. Both my Son In Laws were on very good wages, as well. Combined, their household income was nearly triple mine.

For wider family it can be that you're handing each other the same gift vouchers, or one of you get stuff you don't want, but you've spent on them. Great if you can afford it, but not if you can't.

During my childhood, working class people didn't exchange gifts, you went visiting with a bottle of something.

Chocolates are pointless, because they've become part of our everyday lives.

Jux · 14/10/2019 01:55

We are at a point where we spend much less on gifts for each other unless there's something that one of us really wants. We usually give books, tbh, or book tokens/Amazon vouchers. We spoil dd perhaps, but she's our only child.

I think once gcs come along, especially if you have 4 children, giving to gcs only is sensible. It also allows her to get more meaningful things for them.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/10/2019 02:18

We also do a Secret Santa with everyone buying one gift for their nominated person. Unfortunately, the family's so geographically spread out now that even that's become a pain - yes, you can order something and have it sent to them, but if you haven't seen them/their house for months, it's hard to think of good present ideas.

I'd love to just make it Christmas cards as they're enjoyable to send and receive. Adult siblings in their 40's and 50's don't need gifts from each other!

Banaleaf · 14/10/2019 02:27

YABU, this is quite normal for a lot of family's, why on earth do you feel sorry for him? He is an adult, not a child.

Durgasarrow · 14/10/2019 03:16

I would be so relieved. Saves so much money and unhappiness. Nothing is stopping you from giving a present if the spirit moves you--you just don't have the pressure of having to perform.