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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bit hmm about MIL not buying christmas presents

96 replies

Lemonnhoney · 13/10/2019 21:40

MIL mentioned today that she won't be buying xmas gifts for adults (4 DC) and only for grandchildren.

I get it, its maybe to do with being short on money atm, and its not all about material gifts ect, but i just feel a bit weird about it and sad for my DH.

I know he doesnt need christmas presents off his parents but for me its lovely to exchange meaningful gifts at christmas with those you care about.

I dunno, just seeing what other peoples opinions are.

AIBU for thinking its a bit sad.

Oh n her children are 18, 27, 28 and 30

OP posts:

Downton57 · 13/10/2019 22:17

It doesn't give any joy if you really can't afford it. It brings stress and worry.

Sobeyondthehills · 13/10/2019 22:19

I dont give adults christmas gifts.

There are only 3 children but my mum goes all out for all three of them.

My Dad tends to do experiences rather than actual presents. Think Legoland trip

TipToeToothFairy · 13/10/2019 22:20

I'd be happy with that. My in laws insist on spending a fortune on DH, less than a fortune on me but on things I don't want or need and I'd rather they didn't get me.

My family do a secret Santa for adults with a reasonable limit and it saves money and unwanted gifts but tbh I'd gladly give that up too x

WillowPeach · 13/10/2019 22:22

I used to go all out at Christmas when I was younger. Then I became a student and struggled for the first few years of my career to buy gifts. I dreaded Christmas because I knew I was cutting the budget down massively and I didn’t want my family to think I loved them any less for it (I knew they wouldn’t but still). During those years I really started to begrudge Christmas as it became more obvious how materialistic it is. People posting their Santa’s been pictures on Facebook, it all seemed like a competition as to who could give the biggest pile of presents. With my family I felt awkward as they still showered me with gifts though I’d asked them not to as I couldn’t do the same in return - obviously they didn’t care but I did. Now I set a budget of £50 per family member and aim to get 1 present that I think they’ll really love and use. (Luckily we only buy for 6 people but that still amounts to £300 excluding gifts to each other which we don’t do anymore. Now that the pressure is off, I feel so much better about Christmas and no longer resentful of it. I’d say you never know someone’s financial position and maybe your in-laws just can’t afford it anymore?

Mrbay · 13/10/2019 22:22

We stopped Christmas and birthday presents last year, I told my DHs family that it's nice of them to get me something but I don't have the space at home and I was still working through last year's booze!

We now Have a lovely meal/day together which is so much nicer than something that I don't really need so it goes to the charity shop.

Christmas is not about presents, it is about spending time together, I always hate hearing how much people spend on Christmas and in the back.of my head I do wonder how much they have on their credit cards.

LeahSMS · 13/10/2019 22:22

My DH parents stopped buying gifts when he was 18, we didn’t have kids until this year but they buy things for our baby every few months. I hope she still buys for the 18yo though. I’m 30 & my parents still buy for us

LeahSMS · 13/10/2019 22:23

I didn’t even answer your question lol, YANBU but maybe she can’t afford it she’d be buying for around 10 people that’s a lot to buy for. I told my parents it to buy for us just the baby but I know they won’t

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/10/2019 22:25

“i just feel a bit weird about it and sad for my DH.”

“I know he doesnt need christmas presents off his parents but for me its lovely to exchange meaningful gifts at christmas with those you care about.”

Does your DH spend time finding them meaningful gifts at Christmas or do you that bit? I think feeling sad for your DH is reasonable if he feels sad about it but otherwise you’re just projecting your own values on to your DH’s relationship with his parents and that, at best, is pretty pointless.

thewinkingprawn · 13/10/2019 22:27

I’d bite your MIL’s arm off. Christmas gift giving when you don’t have the money is stressful and joyless. It doesn’t mean she loves your DH any less and I think more families should do this rather than exchange more and more crap every year.

LellyMcKelly · 13/10/2019 22:28

We gave up getting gifts for each other years ago. It’s a brilliant idea. You save hundreds of pounds and get days of your life back because you’re not wandering round packed stores panicking about which Joules scarf to buy your MIL this year. The kids still get gifts, but next year or the year after that’ll just be cash in an envelope. I still get gifts for my partner but not necessarily at Christmas - concert tickets and things like that, but none of us need any more stuff.

EskewedBeef · 13/10/2019 22:28

I think your MIL has the right idea. She's been upfront, and you can decide whether to follow suit or carry on buying her stuff you can now assume she doesn't really want.

Ginseng1 · 13/10/2019 22:30

Been begging my ils to do this for years. Its a massive waste of money & I don't need another set of running pants/scarf n hat set that I don't particularly like & Dh gets a M&S jumper or shirt he may r may not ever wear. They so generous & buy for all the kids that's more than enough to make us happy. His mother buys for everyone n anyone & they are not made of money & only puts pressure on other people to buy rubbish back. Her friends also say it to her. Its draining. My mum buys us our Turkey every year (she has Christmas dinner with us). Perfect!

notdaddycool · 13/10/2019 22:30

We stopped giving to each sibling when they had kids, so the youngest kept getting them well past the rest. Seemed fair to me.

Anastasia2468 · 13/10/2019 22:31

It's up to her what she does about the 18yr old but I agreed with my family and husband a couple of years ago not to buy birthday or Xmas presents for each other. Half the time you end up with something you won't use or don't like and it's a headache trying to think what to get. I think it's because nowadays if you want something you go and buy it whereas years ago you only bought what you needed so it's harder to know what to buy. I think Xmas is for kids so I buy for the grandchildren. Once you're married or living with a partner I don't think there's a point in buying for each other. Maybe I'm just getting old lol

isseywithcats · 13/10/2019 22:31

i have massively cut down on present buying a small gift for the two ladies i work with every day, token gifts for my older children who are grown ups (under a tenner) and ten pounds each in money for grandchildren, and gig tickets for my other half who has everything material he wants or needs, in return my kids dont buy me anything the grandchildren get me token stuff like chocolates and socks which are two things i like

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2019 22:31

It’s a bit sad if you’re the only one without children.

vdbfamily · 13/10/2019 22:32

there are 10 adults in my side of the family. we do a secret Santa with Max spend of£20 so we each but for one adult. it is such a relief. We do same with the kids, 13 of them over the 4 families so each family buys a £ 20 gift for 3 kids ( richest brother buys for 4 ) so that is all family gifts done for £80. Unfortunately I still have DH family and Lloyd of friends and Godson's etc.

Nokeysnoentry · 13/10/2019 22:42

I hope my parents never stop giving me presents. I’ve been single forever, so I might not get anything if it weren’t for them. Does that make me a saddo?!

ultrablue · 13/10/2019 22:42

We only buy for the children on my DH side of the family and a token bottle of wine or chocolate for the adults. On my side I only have my Mom and sister to buy for, so for my mom it's usually a bottle of Bailey's and chocolates from the kids and something she needs for the house off me and hubs, last year I bought her a wireless doorbell !! Same with my Sister, just token presents off the children..

I set a limit of £100 for my own DC 21, 18 & 15 too choose their main presents from and just fill up on token gifts ( there would be a riot if I didn't put a chocolate orange ( they don't eat them ) and a box of festive friends biscuits in their stockings...

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2019 22:50

We stopped doing adult presents last year. I have three adult children.

I still buy for my Grandchildren.

Christmas is so much less stress free. I do miss choosing wrapping paper and wrapping. I used to watch a Muppet Christmas Carol and drink Baileys while spending an evening wrapping.

Presents are rarely meaningful and often not wanted at all.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/10/2019 22:59

I'd otherwise see her point, but I think it would be fairer for her to continue buying presents for the 18yo for a few years - maybe until he has kids. Yes, they're all adults, but an 18yo adult and a 27-30yo adult are very different in reality.

He's never had to share his parents with fewer than 3 others vying for their attention plus he will have/will have had his parents with him (and their time, efforts, love, money) for 9-12 fewer years of his whole life than his siblings.

He's probably had a lot of hand-me-downs in his life - maybe missed out on things always being one of 4 - and this probably just seems like another one: now the majority of the 'children' have reached or are approaching 30 and have their own kids, he gets the short straw yet again and is treated like an incongruous 'extra' that's sort of 'rounded up' to fit in with the dynamic of the others, rather than a (probably not yet truly independent) individual in his own right.

I get the 'now you're adults' thing, but I think, in practice, it's normally done on a 'now you have your own children' basis.

Surely none of the others would object if she continued to buy presents for their (only just an adult) 'little' brother for a few more years on the extremely fair grounds that she hasn't stopped buying for the others' own families, merely changed the focus on to their own children now?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/10/2019 23:01

We stopped doing adult presents last year. I have three adult children.

There's perfectly good logic to that stance, but it does seem very unfair if they aren't triplets. Fairest of all would be to stop buying for each child once they individually turn 18, wouldn't it?

whereareallmyhairbands · 13/10/2019 23:07

Make the presents!

TwiddleMuff · 13/10/2019 23:11

In our family the adults do a secret santa. So we all have one gift to open.

Buying gifts for all the adults in your family is ridiculous - expensive and stressful and let's face it, how much actually gets used?

Wasn't there a study into Christmas gifts a few years ago that showed something like a year later only 1% of the gifts were still in use? Numbers probably there but it was still pretty startling.

HollowTalk · 13/10/2019 23:19

I can't imagine a day where I wouldn't buy my adult children a Christmas present.

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