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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about this

126 replies

Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:03

I was tutoring online this morning, quite early. Got a text message from one of my children saying ex and one of our other children were on there way to pick up a bike. I texted ex saying I am working, do not disturb. Youngest child uses one of his brother’s keys to open the front door, walk through the house to the back to get the bike, walks back through the house (had the sense to push the bike through the side gate) and relocks the front door.

I feel....off. The ex could have texted to ask if it was OK to pick up the bike. But he didn’t. Child let the self in - fine, he lives here too, but what if I’d been in bed or wandering about naked, or had a new partner present, or just anything really. I feel ex would have wandered in if I hadn’t texted him. AIBU to text ex and say the whole thing was unacceptable or am I making a fuss about nothing?

OP posts:
Juells · 13/10/2019 21:48

Are people deliberately missing the point? Or have they just never encountered anyone controlling, have no idea how it works?

This is about control.

RiotAndAlarum · 13/10/2019 21:53

I'm agog to hear how "working at 8am on a Sunday morning" might be used against you! If he manages that, he's twisted indeed, but you can take the wind out of his sails by laughing and naming the behaviour. Twisted bullies don't like to be "seen."

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 21:54

Thanks, Juell. I think people just don’t understand the subtlety of it. I am grateful to those of you who do.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 14/10/2019 07:47

People who disagree with you aren’t necessarily missing the point, OP. Sometimes people just disagree.

Iamnotagoddess · 14/10/2019 07:50

You are completely missing the point.

This is about the ex still trying to maintain a level of control over the OP.

joystir59 · 14/10/2019 07:51

You are making a fuss about nothing.

JenniferM1989 · 14/10/2019 07:55

Your issue isn't really with your child coming to collect something, it's more than your ex was just going to turn up as far as I can see and it was 8am on a Sunday so not necessary really. Your older child had the gumption to text you. It really depends if your ex asked the older child to text you or your older child did so thinking it was best to warn you since it was early.

If your ex asked the older child to text you and let you know, I would say that is ok. If he didn't, I would say that's a little sneaky

Minniemagoo · 14/10/2019 07:58

Does your door lock have a snap or other extra security?
If you leave a key on the inside does it prevent access?
I'd have something like that. Your child will still be able to use their key when you are out but if at home and kids at ex's it means they would have to ring bell/knock.
You could say it's for your feeling of security when in house on your own, doesn't stop child accessing their home as you are there to open it and you can make point that if notice was given you could have taken it off?
100% agree that it's a control thing with your ex.

Hwory · 14/10/2019 08:10

Op’s son needed his bike at 8am when it was pissing it down whilst he was at controlling ex’s. Aye sure he did.

Some of you are very blind.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 14/10/2019 08:27

Iamnotagoddess

No, I have replied to the OP’s view of her ex and suggested she puts a door chain on. I haven’t missed the point at all.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 14/10/2019 08:41

Yes, seaweed, you have missed the point if you think the doorchain is the answer to this. It would stop him coming in if it came down to it but the concerns are in the need to know about what I was up to and the possible impact of that.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 14/10/2019 08:44

I haven’t missed the point. I have said your ex sounds like a twat, but my door is always open to my children. That’s all.

happycamper11 · 14/10/2019 09:00

DC text on his behalf and he stayed outside. Not a huge problem I don't think. If it truly was a problem you could have replied as such (or take back the keys if you are liable to be doing something you truly don't want walked in on)

happycamper11 · 14/10/2019 09:04

I have reason to believe he has a key and has let himself in
Change your locks OP and don't let dc take the jets to their dads

happycamper11 · 14/10/2019 09:12

*keys obviously, not jets Blush

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2019 09:15

I really can't imagine getting so extreme, your child has every right to come and go, your ex didn't disturb you, you got notice. I can't see anything other than you trying to make a drama out of this.

Redcherries · 14/10/2019 09:30

I can see exactly what you mean OP, it is subtle but clear.

I'd also add that if my children are out for the weekend I do expect notice of their return, just in case we are making use of the time to have sex, its not something I really want them to walk in on, even more so if my controlling ex was stood outside at the same time.

Idontwanttotalk · 14/10/2019 09:37

OP, YANBU but it probably would have helped if you'd put all your concerns and info in the opening post. (Might have made it very long though).

Clearly your ex is peed off that you've moved on and wants to ensure no-one is staying there overnight (which is none of his business).

Other people who did miss the point about his control issues have come up with practical ideas, like the chain, which probably are the only ways to deter his behaviour.
What about having a 'ring' doorbell at front and back as a deterrent? Would he let himself in if he knew he was being recorded? If he did you could report him to the police and provide evidence to them.

Thehouseintheforest · 14/10/2019 09:44

I am sorry ,but this 'it's their house, they have the right to come and go without notice even if they are at their dads for the weekend' is just the worst kind of MN mummy-martyrdom. !

It infers that - having had children, as an adult female you must now 'be on standby' to sacrifice whatever it is you had planned on the alter of 'the kids come first' . Not in my home they don't ! It's the reason why so many young adults today are incapable of even the most basic self care - because they have been used to snapping they fingers and mum jumping to it.

In my home, we ALL come first. EVERYONE is entitled to privacy and space. Not just kids.

In the same situation, a simple phone call ASKING if it would be convenient to pop home in 'half an hour' to collect a bike would suffice. Also giving the OP the option to decline or to set a new time.
Just because you have birthed a child, it doesn't mean you have to give up normal life. Dates, sex, walking round your house naked.. whatever you choose. .. but it's about MUTUAL respect and that includes kids...

Alternatively, if that doesn't resonate with you, by all means apply to seeweedandmarchingbands for a spare sack cloth and ashes.. I think she must have a wardrobe full.

AlphaJura · 14/10/2019 09:44

Well least your dcs and ex were proactive enough to come round and get the bike. He did text you first to let you know and your ex didn't come in. My dcs have got a bit better and more organised but for a while, every weekend they were with their dad, I'd get texts and phone calls saying 'mum I've forgotten my charger, book, random item they've suddenly decided they wanted' . I'm a bit of a soft touch so I'd have to drop everything and take it round to them because ex doesn't want to lose his parking space!Hmm. I'd be quite happy if they got of their arses and came back themselves for things they'd forgotten or needed.

happycamper11 · 14/10/2019 09:53

By the way I didn't miss the point, I know only too well all about controlling ex's as I have one... you aren't going to change it though so preventative measures are all there is. in future you could text and say 'no sorry you can't come and get the bike, it's not convenient' do this every time he'll give up if he keeps making wasted trips. And certainly change your locks, make sure dc don't have keys when they go to df, hey the chain, the video system and carry on your life knowing his methods aren't working

Chunkers · 14/10/2019 10:16

Have you had a chance to ask your son how he came to need the bike so early on Sunday? Did he think of it himself or was it your ex’s idea? I understand your concerns. Maybe going forward, some ground rules about ‘popping back’ would help?

Thehouseintheforest · 14/10/2019 10:26

FFS ! The level of reading comprehension on MN is shocking .

From Sotiredofthislife original post ;

Got a text message from one of my children saying ex and one of our other children were on there way to pick up a bike.

At know point did ex text !!
He is an obvious game player.
Popping round to collect a bike at 8am on Sunday morning, in the pouring rain - when he is not the type to ever ride in the rain.. smacks of keeping an eye on the ex... because IF she were seeing someone knew - when would be the most likely time to catch her ? /disturb her?/ annoy her ? Or generally show that you can destabilise a new liaison ?

I completely get it OP.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 15/10/2019 13:13

Alternatively, if that doesn't resonate with you, by all means apply to seeweedandmarchingbands for a spare sack cloth and ashes.. I think she must have a wardrobe full.

I’m not sure there’s any need for personal comments. We have privacy in our home. But our home is never off limits to our children. That’s as valid as your perspective.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 15/10/2019 14:23

I'd be quite happy if they got of their arses and came back themselves for things they'd forgotten or needed

The child himself only came back because his dad told him to. Under normal rules, anything forgotten has to be dropped off by me because he (the ex) won't bring them (the children) back to get it. Rules were changed this weekend, as usual, to suit the ex and whatever his agenda was.

Ex didn't tell children to text me but eldest realised I probably wouldn't be happy which is why he texted me to try and give me some notice.

But our home is never off limits to our children
My home is not off limits to my children. My life, however, is very much off limits to my ex.

OP posts: