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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about this

126 replies

Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:03

I was tutoring online this morning, quite early. Got a text message from one of my children saying ex and one of our other children were on there way to pick up a bike. I texted ex saying I am working, do not disturb. Youngest child uses one of his brother’s keys to open the front door, walk through the house to the back to get the bike, walks back through the house (had the sense to push the bike through the side gate) and relocks the front door.

I feel....off. The ex could have texted to ask if it was OK to pick up the bike. But he didn’t. Child let the self in - fine, he lives here too, but what if I’d been in bed or wandering about naked, or had a new partner present, or just anything really. I feel ex would have wandered in if I hadn’t texted him. AIBU to text ex and say the whole thing was unacceptable or am I making a fuss about nothing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:33

You’re right, godess, I feel it was convenient to need to get something so he could check up on what I was up to. Can’t prove it, of course.

OP posts:
Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:34

She is allowed to have “adult” time, all parents are.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:35

She is allowed to have “adult” time, all parents are.

It’s not something I feel I get, ever. My child lives here and can come and go as she likes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Geneva1995 · 13/10/2019 17:35

I can’t believe you’d even waste your time posting a thread about this Hmm

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:35

I was a single parent, I wasn’t an absolute martyr.

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:36

@seaweedandmarchingbands.

Well that’s up to you isn’t it.

How old is your child?

What will you do when they have left home and you have lost every inch of you in being a “mummy” and nothing else?

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:37

I can’t believe you’d even waste your time posting a thread about this

Why? Because the whole thing has made me uncomfortable and insecure? I don’t have the right to ask others if that’s reasonable?

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:38

*Well that’s up to you isn’t it.

How old is your child?

What will you do when they have left home and you have lost every inch of you in being a “mummy” and nothing else?*

I’m plenty else. I haven’t lost anything. There were no threesomes before! 😂

Seriously, though; this isn’t an attack on your choices and I don’t feel you need to attack mine. Just a difference of opinion.

LonginesPrime · 13/10/2019 17:38

OP, I dint think YABU for wanting some privacy and expecting that when the DC are supposed to be elsewhere, then that is where they'll be.

I also know how stressful it is when you're working at home and on a conference call/web conference and there's that fear that the DC might interrupt (I tend to do conference calls in my car parked round the corner for this very reason!).

But I think the fact they gave you a heads up, they didn't all loudly pile into the house and start shouting to see where you are (mine would have done), took the bike out through the side gate and came back through to lock up shows that they were being considerate to you. They didn't come in for a chat and just quietly slipped away by the sound of it.

It sounds like you've trained them well and that your ex had control of the situation. Unless there's a backstory to this, I don't think the DC/ex did anything wrong.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:39

It’s not something I feel I get, ever

Does that make it right? Should the fact you have no time away from your child mean that when my children are with my ex, he has a right to pick up and drop off as he pleases? I was bloody working at 8am on a Sunday, what has that got to do with him?

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2019 17:40

They texted you in advance as far as I can see, presumably enough time for you to get decent if you were in flagrante. Your ex didn't enter the house. Your child used their key to enter their home to collect something.

I think you are being massively unreasonable and would be even if you just got made at your child let alone the ex who didn't even set foot in the house! Sound alike you are looking for ways to be pissed off with him tbh.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:40

Does that make it right? Should the fact you have no time away from your child mean that when my children are with my ex, he has a right to pick up and drop off as he pleases? I was bloody working at 8am on a Sunday, what has that got to do with him?

In my book, the fact that it is your child’s home does make it right that he should be able to enter it during those times. Yes. I accept that you don’t agree, but that’s how I feel.

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:40

@seaweedandmarchingbands

Being a single parent is totally different though. If there was an emergency yes you would drop everything but when you are “off duty” ex should respect that.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:40

Your child that is, not your ex.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:41

Being a single parent is totally different though.

I think it’s somewhat different, but not so different that I would draw the line at my child coming into the house, with notice, to get an item he needed.

Juells · 13/10/2019 17:43

But it’s not really the point. It’s still her child’s home, it’s still his bike, she’s still his parent. IMO anyway.

Yes it's the child's home, but he was supposed to be away for the weekend. So it's no different to having a child at school, during school-time you don't expect your child to turn up and let himself into the house. It's difficult enough parenting as a single mother, having all the grunt work all week, without it being made difficult to plan the time when the children are away. Over the years I've known plenty of single mothers whose exes considered that they were being forced to 'babysit' by having their children at weekends now and again, and would go to great lengths to make sure the ex wasn't able to rely on having that time to herself.

Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2019 17:43

I feel it was convenient to need to get something so he could check up on what I was up to. Can’t prove it, of course.

Well that's because collecting a bike to go on a bike ride on a Sunday morning is an entirely normal activity. You are making a mountain out if a molehill.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:43

Thanks, Longines. It’s more the ‘what if’ that is bothering me. He didn’t get in this time so what about next time?

There is a backstory, it’s long and difficult. I think I’m right to be concerned but I think the ex is clever enough to keep it light enough so it makes me look just paranoid rather than paranoid with good reason. I have reason to believe he has a key and has let himself in.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:44

So it's no different to having a child at school, during school-time you don't expect your child to turn up and let himself into the house.

My home isn’t off-limits to my child at any time. If they needed to come home during school hours and school let me know, I wouldn’t be complaining provided they were safe and there was an appropriate reason.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:44

Well that's because collecting a bike to go on a bike ride on a Sunday morning is an entirely normal activity

It was pouring down. And has rained all day.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2019 17:44

@Juells the child popped in to pick up a bike and left! Probably in the house for 5 minutes and texted in advance. Really this idea that it was some kind of massive invasion of privacy is utterly ridiculous.

Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2019 17:45

It was pouring down. And has rained all day.

People ride bikes in the rain.

Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:45

but not so different that I would draw the line at my child coming into the house, with notice, to get an item he needed

I didn’t have notice. Notice arrived 3 minutes before from one of our other children. Not the ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:46

People ride bikes in the rain

Not my ex!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2019 17:46

Maybe the ex asked one of the dc to text you. You said do not disturb and they didn't disturb. No problem.