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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel off about this

126 replies

Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:03

I was tutoring online this morning, quite early. Got a text message from one of my children saying ex and one of our other children were on there way to pick up a bike. I texted ex saying I am working, do not disturb. Youngest child uses one of his brother’s keys to open the front door, walk through the house to the back to get the bike, walks back through the house (had the sense to push the bike through the side gate) and relocks the front door.

I feel....off. The ex could have texted to ask if it was OK to pick up the bike. But he didn’t. Child let the self in - fine, he lives here too, but what if I’d been in bed or wandering about naked, or had a new partner present, or just anything really. I feel ex would have wandered in if I hadn’t texted him. AIBU to text ex and say the whole thing was unacceptable or am I making a fuss about nothing?

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 17:47

Then maybe your ex was being deliberately difficult. But for me, the issue would be a few minutes notice to make sure I was decent, not the other aspects.

Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2019 17:47

I didn’t have notice. Notice arrived 3 minutes before from one of our other children. Not the ex.

That is notice. My kids breeze in and out when they like even if they are at their dads. It is their home.

ladygracie · 13/10/2019 17:48

I think the best thing is to tell the kids that they need to text if they are popping home at any point while they ate with their dad. That way you will always have a heads up.

LonginesPrime · 13/10/2019 17:48

I think the ex is clever enough to keep it light enough so it makes me look just paranoid rather than paranoid with good reason

Given that it's this kind of relationship with the ex, I reckon definitely don't complain to him!

If you think he was just trying to push your buttons, then definitely don't rise to the bait!

Just rise above it - your DC clearly know how to behave so if he wants to get soaking wet taking them out on their bikes in the rain to spite you, then more fool him.

Original poster

Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 17:48

That is notice. My kids breeze in and out when they like even if they are at their dads. It is their home

He lives a 30 minute drive away. It wasn’t notice.

OP posts:

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:51

What if OP was pissed and doesn’t normally drink around her DC?

Lindy2 · 13/10/2019 17:51

But one if your children did send a text and you said you were working and you didn't want to be disturbed. Clearly not in bed or naked etc or you would have texted them to wait a while.

Your child then entered his own home and got his property without disturbing you (as requested).

I'm not really following what the issue is or what they could have done differently.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2019 17:51

It was enough notice for you to reply and it be read and adhered to.

Treesinaforest · 13/10/2019 17:51

I think it would be fine to tell your ex that if he thinks the kids will need their things, he is to ensure they bring them with them when he is collecting them, and not to go back to your house until it's their time to return.

I don't think you need to justify it

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2019 17:52

Why would OP be pissed on a Sunday morning?

eastmidsmum · 13/10/2019 17:52

OP I’m in a similar situation to you (inc a back story) and I completely get it and have had similar scenarios. Others may not understand, it’s not the same when a child moves between two homes instead of just having one. How old is your younger child?

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 17:54

Thing is - if the kids are with their father she has every right to be pissed in a Sunday morning if she wants to - that’s what you aren’t getting.

Busy77 · 13/10/2019 17:55

Maybe put some chains on the door for "extra security"

shiningstar2 · 13/10/2019 17:55

He should have texted you to ask if it was convenient. You should be able to say 'no' without explaining any reasons. He is your ex. He doesn't have the right to check on you or use the children to check on you in your own home. I think what he did was very manipulative. By using the excuse of a bike ride with the kids he looks the reasonable one but he has ignored your message not to come. It is quite clever to send the youngest child in. He is 'innocent' of checking on you but he can ask the youngest 'what was mummy doing? Was she on her own? and the child will quite innocently give him the answer. I would consider changing the locks and not allowing your children to take their keys when they are with their father. That way he can still ask for things he wants for the kids but you are free to answer as you see fit. A bit extreme maybe but you are entitled to your privacy.

Wildorchidz · 13/10/2019 17:56

Get yourself a wireless doorbell with a camera. That way you’ll be able to see if he comes in.

NearlyGranny · 13/10/2019 17:59

YANBU. He overreached himself just turning up. Does he have form for controlling, entitled behaviour? He is ex for a reason, presumably!

I wonder if your DC who texted warning you had to do so covertly? I suspect ex had no intention of alerting you and may well have been checking up on you. How disappointing for him to realise that the Saturday night orgy he imagined running into Sunday morning turned out to be just you alone diligently working to put food on the table for your DC!

I think you need to discuss this with your DC and explain that, whatever their DF says, it's not OK for him to encourage and enable them to be popping in and out when they're with him.

I wonder whose idea fetching the bike actually was? Next time one of them forgets something at dad's, why not hop in the car and go get it?!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 18:02

Thing is - if the kids are with their father she has every right to be pissed in a Sunday morning if she wants to - that’s what you aren’t getting

Well, she isn’t in charge of the children, so yes, she does. I’m not disputing that. But I am not sure she has the right to expect her ex to prevent them from accessing their home to get something. He’s still responsible for them during that time.

pengymum · 13/10/2019 18:04

If you think he has a key, change the locks. Easy to change barrel of Yale type lock. Or/and can install a second lock and keep that locked when you are not expecting kids home. That way, he can’t get in if you’re not home.
And get a camera/door cam & will see if he’s trying to get in when you are not home.
Other than that can’t stop your kids coming home really. Just ask them to text first to check you’re not working.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2019 18:05

I think it's their home too, he didn't disturb you. I think you're being a little precious about your me time. You have to expect older children who live with you, to come and go!

Iamnotagoddess · 13/10/2019 18:05

@NearlyGranny.

Exactly this.

Original poster

Sotiredofthislife · 13/10/2019 18:24

I'm not really following what the issue is or what they could have done differently

The issue is the sense of unease and ‘what if...’

I see no point in changing the locks because the eldest child gets home before me and I’m not prepared to have him either hanging out longer at school or standing on the doorstep because his dad can’t be trusted. He is also scatty (not his fault - seriously dyspraxic) so sooner or later the keys will be left at dad’s and he’ll have the opportunity to make a copy. I have made it clear that if my retired neighbours ever mention he has stopped by again when I’m not there, I will be involving the police.

The issue, of course, is that feeling of being checked up on, particularly so early on a Sunday morning.

nearlygranny thank you for understanding. Yes, there is form for controlling behaviour. He is not happy that even though he was the one who left me, I have got on with my life and managed quite happily. I have been successful in blocking him from my life and he doesn’t seem to like not knowing what I’m up to. He will be disappointed I was working and not engaged in a drunken threesome as mentioned up thread but I’ll hold that thought for next month!

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 18:26

Get a security chain if it bothers you as much as this?

WidowTwonky · 13/10/2019 18:35

Put on the chain. Easy

Juells · 13/10/2019 18:41

My home isn’t off-limits to my child at any time. If they needed to come home during school hours and school let me know, I wouldn’t be complaining provided they were safe and there was an appropriate reason.

Oh the virtue-signalling that's going on in this thread. Many posters will have been in the OP's position and know exactly how innocent these little incursions are, but the fact is the OP and her ex are not married now, and he's pushing her boundaries.

Posters who don't see that are luckily in the position of never having to be aware of how their boundaries are being eroded by all the seemingly-innocent and oh-so-logical little incursions into their private space and time. The fact that the OP's ex is using the children to do it doesn't make it any less about control.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 18:43

Juells

I’m getting rather bored of this “virtue-signalling” nonsense. What I said is simple fact. My home is my child’s home. The OP’s ex didn’t come in; her child did, for as little time as was necessary. I genuinely do not see the issue. Not trying to “signal” anything to anyone.

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