To feel off about this

[Sotiredofthislife]

I was tutoring online this morning, quite early. Got a text message from one of my children saying ex and one of our other children were on there way to pick up a bike. I texted ex saying I am working, do not disturb. Youngest child uses one of his brother’s keys to open the front door, walk through the house to the back to get the bike, walks back through the house (had the sense to push the bike through the side gate) and relocks the front door.

I feel....off. The ex could have texted to ask if it was OK to pick up the bike. But he didn’t. Child let the self in - fine, he lives here too, but what if I’d been in bed or wandering about naked, or had a new partner present, or just anything really. I feel ex would have wandered in if I hadn’t texted him. AIBU to text ex and say the whole thing was unacceptable or am I making a fuss about nothing?

Just stick the chain on from the inside and then all the 'what ifs' won't matter.

I've a feeling you'll probably say you don't have a door chain, if that's the case just buy one.

I would be inclined to put on a second lock, which the children don't have a key for, and let them know that when they go away at the weekend the second lock will be on, as you often go out or away at the weekend. So there can be no popping back for things they suddenly 'need'.

The OP’s ex didn’t come in; her child did, for as little time as was necessary. I genuinely do not see the issue. Not trying to “signal” anything to anyone

What if there was a car on the drive? What if they were sat outside in the garden?

What if, what if, what if?!

It’s the lack of respect of the OPs privacy and her own time.

We don’t know the age of the child in question, but presumably younger than mid-teens. Don’t all parents have times when they don’t want or expect young children to be in their home, eg when they’re supposed to be at school, at a friend’s, etc etc? Just because “it’s their home” doesn’t give children the absolute right to decide when they enter it. That’s the (resident) parent’s role.

Could you change the locks and remind your DS to give you the keys back before he goes to his dad's? Not on for him to just be turning up at your house like this on his contact time. If you've had issues with him before then it's very subtle harassment.

It’s the lack of respect of the OPs privacy and her own time.

But this is where I am actually disagreeing with you, isn’t it? You see the time the children are with their other parent as ‘private’ and ‘protected’, whereas I just see it as time they happen to be out of the house.

I’m getting rather bored of this “virtue-signalling” nonsense. What I said is simple fact. My home is my child’s home. The OP’s ex didn’t come in; her child did, for as little time as was necessary. I genuinely do not see the issue. Not trying to “signal” anything to anyone.

Other people have been in controlling relationships, and can see exactly what is going on. It's not helpful to keep insisting that this is just about children coming into their own home. There's nothing wrong with not wanting your ex to be keeping tabs on you.

Just because “it’s their home” doesn’t give children the absolute right to decide when they enter it. That’s the (resident) parent’s role.

I just don’t see it that way, sorry. If my child comes home unexpectedly from a friend’s, I don’t bar the door until the time they were meant to be home.

Seaweed

You seem to be suggesting I don’t have a right to privacy from my ex? That because he sent in the children, that makes it a none issue?

But this is where I am actually disagreeing with you, isn’t it? You see the time the children are with their other parent as ‘private’ and ‘protected’, whereas I just see it as time they happen to be out of the house

When is the OP expected to conduct her life away from her children/ex such as a new relationship?

It totally is protected time. You wouldn’t get their dad to have them to go out to dinner then expect him to turn up at the restaurant with the kids would you? It’s the exact same thing.

Juells

But I have clearly differentiated between the issue overall (the kids coming into the house) and the arsehole ex. The OP has said her ex would go mad if this situation was reversed. I have suggested a chain. He’s clearly a dick. But if that weren’t the case I wouldn’t see why the child shouldn’t be able to come home and get something, or go to his dad’s outside of contact hours. We used to drop in on my dad all the time. I guess he hid the prostitutes and the drugs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Iamnotagoddess

I don’t think it’s protected time. Either way round. Once you are a parent that comes first, so if your child needs his rugby socks or her dry shampoo, he or she is coming in. That’s my take on it. Sorry if it doesn’t agree with yours.

You seem to be suggesting I don’t have a right to privacy from my ex? That because he sent in the children, that makes it a none issue?

I don’t believe he breached your privacy. So, no, I am not suggesting you don’t have the right to privacy from your ex.

There is a huge difference to “please can we come round in two hours to collect something (we probably don’t need) to “we’ll be round in 3 minutes and you don’t have a say about this”

Sotired

You're absolutely right to see this for what it is, and try to find a way to put a stop to it. He thinks he has you over a barrel because you can't tell the children what's really going on, as you don't want to interfere with their relationship with him.

On second thoughts, you don't even have to mention the second lock to the children, just get it installed and have it on when you're at home at the weekend. If the children text to say they want to pick something up you can say you're not there, and break the news then that there's a second lock. I'd put a stop to this by any means, or he'll have them 'popping home' at all times to check up that you're where you're supposed to be, and not off enjoying yourself.

There is a huge difference to “please can we come round in two hours to collect something (we probably don’t need) to “we’ll be round in 3 minutes and you don’t have a say about this”

She has a say. She could ask her child for the keys before he goes to his dad’s. She could put a lock on the door.

Yup, change the locks, make sure the oldest, who carries a key, never leaves it where his DF can access it and understands about respecting your privacy from his DF's boundary-breaching behaviour.

Install chains on the doors and use them routinely at night and in the day, too, when you are alone.

That should out a stop to it. Even if he turns up with a copied key he won't get in if you are there. And I would investigate one of those security systems where your phone alerts you to someone knocking or entering and shows you a picture even if you're somewhere else completely!

Most of you security and privacy depends on thinking ahead of the presumptuous and encroaching and putting the barriers and telltales in place.

@seaweedandmarchingbands all well that thats what you'd do and how you see it, but until you've been a single parent, think you're being out of order

SparklyMagpie

If the OP only wanted the opinions of single parents she could have said so. I haven’t been rude to her, insulted her, denigrated her choices. I have literally said what I think about this situation and what I believe would be the case in my home. That’s it. If that is “out of order” then I am out of order, to you.

I don’t believe he breached your privacy

Of course he breached my privacy - that was his whole point. He gave me no notice of him turning up, he turned up ridiculously early for a Sunday, he sent in our son to have a look at what was going on. Had he texted on Saturday night, apologised and said he needed to come over early to get the bike cos they had plans, not a problem. He was looking for something/someone and thought he could catch me out. At best, his aim was just to make me uncomfortable.

Thank you those who have understood. It really helps.

She has a say. She could ask her child for the keys before he goes to his dad’s. She could put a lock on the door

As already explained, I am not restricting my eldest child’s access to his home by taking his keys. The coming in isn’t really the issue, it’s the way it was done, the lack of notice and the motivation for turning up so early on a Sunday.

OP YANBU at all.

Child let the self in - fine, he lives here too, but what if I’d been in bed or wandering about naked, or had a new partner present, or just anything really*

You texted ex to say you were working! Your child came home for 5 mins and picked something up... they all knew you were working so didn't disturb you - as requested!

Your child shouldn't have to give you 'notice' to turn up at his own home and pick something up.

Your ex didn't come in or disturb you. He gave your son a lift back to his own home.

I only texted cos I had 3 minutes notice. That’s the point. I only got the notice from one of my children - not the ex. He would have arrived here and expected to collect the bike regardless. It’s not about the not being disturbed. It’s about what the motive was. But never mind, I can see not everyone understands and it’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Let’s put it this way, the fact I was up and working at 8am on a Sunday will be used against me in some way in the next few weeks.