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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with SIL?

129 replies

Pineapple1 · 13/10/2019 15:26

So, I have a few days off next week, next chance I have to spend some alone time with the family will be Christmas after next week.

My other half has decided to agree to look after our nephew because SIL didn't think to organise childcare.(it's half-term).
No offer to pay for anything either. And my other half knew I was 100% against this happening and I saw it coming from a mile away.

So, now I cannot go away with my family, Im stuck looking after a child I shouldn't have too.

AIBU to be really annoyed?

OP posts:
MayTheLordOpen · 13/10/2019 15:56

Maybe when your child is school age she can return the favour? I'm sure you can still get jobs done around the house with a 7 year old there.

Original poster
Pineapple1 · 13/10/2019 15:56

@BeesKnees4
Both of us, but our child is not very well and demands a lot of my wife's time, so I expect I'll be with my nephew.
Ofc I like the lad, I'm sure it's going to be fine. I'm just annoyed -.-

I told my wife a few days ago I planned to book us a few days away. Before she agreed to this.

OP posts:
Grumpymcgrumperson · 13/10/2019 15:56

Just say no?

chuck7 · 13/10/2019 15:56

I think you need loosen up really. Would SIL do the same for you?

Rachelover60 · 13/10/2019 15:56

It's possible your wife didn't really fancy the trip you were planning, Pineapple. I can't think of any other reason for her agreeing to look after nephew when she knew you were supposed to be going away. Did you discuss the details of the trip thoroughly with your wife? I think you have communication problems.

If you are going to be annoyed with anyone it should be your wife, not your sister in law and as for there being no offer of payment, would anyone charge their sister for looking after their child as a one off? That would be mean. I'm sure your sister in law will be very grateful and treat your wife and child in some way.

For goodness sakes, don't be resentful of the child, it's hardly their fault.

Others have said you can still go away and take your daughter but I expect you don't fancy doing that like a single dad. Your daughter might want to stay at home with her cousin, have you asked her?

Christmas will be here in no time at all and you'll be able to spend several days with your family during the week after that.

Now talk to your wife.

Butchyrestingface · 13/10/2019 15:57

My wife's argument is that if she said no, her sister would have to take a weeks unpaid.... My reply.. I couldn't care less, her child, her responsibility.

Your wife obviously doesn't feel the same way. Not entirely surprising really, this being her sister and her sister's child.

Why can't you take the nephew with you?

Grumpymcgrumperson · 13/10/2019 15:57

Also agree your wife is the one you should be annoyed with, not SIL.

NailsNeedDoing · 13/10/2019 15:57

But if you help and share the responsibility then your wife will think it's ok to do this again - there are a lot of school holidays!

You're coming across a bit martyrish. There's no reason why you can't get on with jobs while your 1yo is napping, it doesn't take two adults to entertain a seven year old. It won't even take two adults to look after both of them. You have every right to be upset, but be careful that you don't piss all over your own valid point.

MsPavlichenko · 13/10/2019 15:57

You are making yourself annoyed. You have options, as does your wife. You go with your DC and have some nice one on one time and see your family. Your DP looks after her DN. She may enjoy this. She may not, and this might mean she makes a different choice next time.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2019 15:57

You can call sil and apologise. Explain you cannot look after nephew as you are going away. If you do it now, she has plenty of notice. If your wife is a bit of a wuss to say no, then do it for het. Encourage her to start saying, "I'll check what we're doing first and get back to you." I'm the same, a real push over in real life. I learned to deflect all requests to buy time to think and ask my husband if we have plans first.

BloggersBlog · 13/10/2019 15:58

Your wife has put her sister's wants above yours. That is pretty piss poor behaviour imo. Is there no compromise? SiL takes 3 days off so you can to away and you only have him for 2 days?

flouncyfanny · 13/10/2019 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pineapple1 · 13/10/2019 15:59

@Grumpymcgrumperson
Firstly, great username.

Secondly, I don't like being annoyed with her. I just blame my SIL as she knows that my wife is a push over, and she exploited that.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/10/2019 15:59

Unfortunately my wife is a complete push over, and even though I told her I didn't want to, she still said yes.

She knew you were planning a holiday and she still chose to do this.

This is not a SIL problem, it's a wife/relationship problem.

LordNibbler · 13/10/2019 16:00

But surely the point is, while everyone is clearing SIL's messes up, she'll carry on doing it. You're just making a rod for your own back here, and enabling this nonesense. So what if she has to take unpaid leave, might spur her on to take better responsibility for her child next time.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/10/2019 16:01

I'm annoyed at SIL, because she never thinks about this stuff.

This is your mistake. Yes, she's a CF, but your big problem is your relationship with your wife. You can't be married with one person overruling the other on big decisions.

DW is a pushover, particularly with her family- she used to do shit like this all the time. If she had not learned to be more respectful of my feelings and expressive of her own, I'm not sure we'd still be together.

You need to speak to your wife, but more urgently you need to make clear that you are not having this kid. If you really can't say no at this late stage, then at least limit it to 2 days. If you just go along with this and help, then your wife will never change her behaviour.

fedup21 · 13/10/2019 16:03

Secondly, I don't like being annoyed with her. I just blame my SIL as she knows that my wife is a push over, and she exploited that.

Sorry, but you’re being as much of a pushover as your wife.

If you’re going to be a martyr and enable your SIL, don’t then moan about it!

If your wife and you both said no-your SIL couldn’t do it, could she??

Good luck with Xmas, February half term, Easter and Whitsun for the next few years!

RandomMess · 13/10/2019 16:03

Phone SIL up yourself and tell her that DW cannot have DN as you have a surprise planned that cannot incorporate a 7 year old and neither of you will be here.

Then tell DW it is sorted and go away!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/10/2019 16:03

Are you or your wife teachers? If you only have a pre-schooler then I'm just wondering why half term is your only time to get away?

It doesn't really matter whether you're a man or a woman (unless the baby is still partly bf) I would still recommend taking the baby with you and going for one or two nights. If you always allow your SIL to dictate your holidays then it'll be nearly a decade before you can make plans without the risk of having to cancel them, longer if she has more DC.

MsPavlichenko · 13/10/2019 16:05

But your DP agreed. It is her you need to be annoyed with, assuming she had agreed your plans. Not your SIL, regardless of how pushy she is.

Plus, as everyone has said you can go away if you want. It seems you'd rather martyr yourself, wind yourself up and miss a nice break with your family though. Or do you not want to leave your DP on her own?

NailsNeedDoing · 13/10/2019 16:05

You're enabling your wife to be a pushover though!

Did your sil know you had time booked off work? Did she know that you'd planned to go away? Or did she do what lots people do and ask their sister for childcare help?

Obviously you don't want to be annoyed with your wife, but really, it is her that's done wrong by you here, not your sil.

RaspberryBubblegum · 13/10/2019 16:07

Call SIL yourself and say you had arranged a surprise break for the 3 of you so you can't look after nephew?...

donquixotedelamancha · 13/10/2019 16:08

My wife's argument is that if she said no, her sister would have to take a weeks unpaid.... My reply.. I couldn't care less, her child, her responsibility.

Your wife obviously doesn't feel the same way. Not entirely surprising really, this being her sister and her sister's child.

Then that's a subject for discussion and negotiation, not one partner taking the decision away from the other. This is a huge imposition. Clearly DW in this case values her sister's holiday time more than her husband's.

NC4this123 · 13/10/2019 16:08

Both of us, but our child is not very well and demands a lot of my wife's time, so I expect I'll be with my nephew.

If your child is unwell like you say surely that would stop you going away anyway ?

Jaxhog · 13/10/2019 16:09

You are absolutely right to be annoyed with your SiL. Also your wife, who needs to grow a backbone! I'd suggest that your wife has to look after the nephew but can see how that wouldn't really help.

Perhaps you could send your SiL a bill? Say it's advisory this time, but it will be a real bill next time.