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To think he's lying? *trigger warning*

190 replies

helpagirloutplease · 13/10/2019 07:48

Long time poster that has namechanged.

I don't know where else to ask. I have a 4 year old to a man I haven't seen for years. He had a mental health breakdown during pregnancy and did some terrible things (held me at knifepoint, tried to drive me into a wall, strangled me, tried to hang himself infront of me ect) and beat me up.

He was a working professional, and was arrested for assault and charged, then sent to prison. He breached the restraining order numerous times resulting in him going back to prison a few times and had my name tattooed on his chest even after all this.

I attended social services meetings and a meeting with psychiatrists at the time so I know that he was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder and bpd. I haven't been in contact with him since the first time the police took him away (they took him several times after from outside of my house when he breached restraining orders but I didn't open the door). There is a no contact order in place for my daughter which I think is largely because he had no interest in engaging with nhs mental health teams.

I received these messages at midnight last night. I think he's lying, why would he do this to me?

OP posts:
TheBananaStand2 · 14/10/2019 06:56

Judging by his past behaviours and given his history it would make sense that he would choose to fabricate something that would cause you the greatest psychological harm that he could muster, and this is it: something that will keep him in your mind for the long term. Something about the tone of his message (repeated “our daughter” and her name rather than a simple “she/her”, plus the typos) seems off, and if you really wanna psychoanalyse it, he slips up in that last line when he says “I wouldn’t have contacted unless it wasn’t urgent.” I have a psychologically abusive ex too, and I have to make sure that no matter how many channels he tries to reach me on (and boy, does he), I ignore him, and do not read his messages. I can imagine that’s so hard when you have a child together. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hope you can get some peace of mind soon.

TheDivineOddity · 14/10/2019 07:28

From my point of view having looked at those messages op there is too much that's not being said.
Where is the detail (any detail at all) on his diagnosis experience which presumably would be devastating. What about mention of medical professionals and genetic counselling? What about his concern for his parents (one of whom would either have it too or would be in the process of getting tested)?
Those messages are too low on believable detail. He is an abuser and he has stooped even lower with this, if that were even possible.

Shelby2010 · 14/10/2019 07:38

It’s possible that he has come to his own conclusion that he has HD as his ‘excuse’ without being actually tested or diagnosed.

This is obviously extremely upsetting for you but the one thing it isn’t is ‘urgent’. It would only be urgent if your DD was planning to start a family, otherwise as PP have said there are huge implications about this going on her medical records.

Many people with HD just don’t want to know if they have it & will go as far as having IVF & embryos ‘exclusion’ tested without having a diagnosis themselves. This is why they don’t test children, not because they can’t, but because they need to be old enough to understand the implications for health insurance, travel insurance, mortgages, job applications etc

My advice would be to track down ex’s father & see if he has it - use a private detective or something if you don’t want to get in contact.

Hopefully this is all in your ex’s head 💐

catsmother · 14/10/2019 09:34

Based on everything you've endured, his abusive nature, the tone of that message, your knowledge of his family history and so on, my gut feeling, like so many others have already suggested, is that he's lying... and this latest contact is designed to distress you and/or effectively force you to engage with him.

I absolutely understand how worried you must be. My oldest child's paternal grandmother was diagnosed with HD when I was 7 months pregnant. This was 30 years ago before the specific genetic test had been developed so we had no way of finding any further information about my child or their father until 5 or 6 years later. Thankfully their father wasn't a carrier, although his 3 siblings all are.

In this case, my ex's mother had displayed a variety of symptoms for around 15 years before diagnosis but no one had put 2 and 2 together for a long time not least because she had had a fractured family history so the indicators present in other relatives went largely unnoticed as there was very sparse contact. It's therefore unlikely (though obviously not impossible) that if your ex had a relatively normal upbringing, that something would have been known within his family about HD. It beggars belief, for example, that if his father's sister had it, that his father would not have been aware of the potential implications for himself given that either his/their mother or father would also have had to carry the gene. This is the sort of thing which would become absolute accepted knowledge within the family because it's so significant, e even if individuals chose not to pursue genetic testing. In short, I find it hard to believe that you would have been unaware of this until now... and dare I say it, I suspect, due to his narcissistic and abusive nature, that he would have 'milked' even the possibility of him carrying the HD gene for sympathy long before any actual confirmation that he does. Again, it's not impossible due to the vagaries of human nature that he kept this quiet previously but on the balance of probability, it's far less likely.

All that aside, the point is, in your case, that you need to establish the truth of his allegations via safe and appropriate channels before panicking. I appreciate that's easier said than done now he's planted this seed but please try not to stress too much until you have concrete facts in front of you. Some of the advice given in this thread, albeit well meaning, about the manifestation of HD symptoms and testing etc is actually wrong and I'm concerned that it may add to your understandable concern. The best possible advice and information will of course come from specialists if and when (and hopefully this won't be the case anyway) you have genuine cause to investigate further. In the meantime, because I know it's difficult not to search for answers/reassurance when hit by something like this, the Huntington Disease Association site is a very reliable and informative resource.

I wish you luck and hope this is sorted out asap. Regardless of what happens you do not need to engage with him. He really is a vile shit by the sounds of it and I hope, in the circumstances, this is 'just' another of his sick schemes.

catsmother · 14/10/2019 09:38

Apologies for lack of paragraphs - they appeared to be there when I was typing, stupid phone!

helpagirloutplease · 14/10/2019 17:08

Thanks for the replies: I've now reported to police and social services and I have a phone call booked for Wednesday with the GP.

I do think he's lying. But I have no way of checking that. I haven't replied to the messages.

I think it will just be a case of going on her medical record and possibly genetic counselling.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 14/10/2019 17:11

Christ OP, seeing it in writing like that is frightening..

good luck Wednesday Flowers

CanIhelpyouatall · 14/10/2019 20:42

There is a distinct lack of emotion in his messages when he mentions the Huntingdon's disease. Surely a genuine person would break it more gently than that. Very chilling to read. I hope you've blocked him OP Flowers

helpagirloutplease · 15/10/2019 03:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpagirloutplease · 15/10/2019 03:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpagirloutplease · 15/10/2019 04:00

I've posted an update and reported it for my comments to be taken down properly I didn't realise they had identifying info in

OP posts:
RegretnaGreen · 15/10/2019 04:44

Hi Op. I'm sorry you are going through this.

To PP's that say there is no way his medics would expect him to pass on this information, not true. My DH was diagnosed in 2013 with a form of cancer that is almost always genetic. He was told to tell his children ASAP so they could get tested. End of conversation.

helpagirloutplease · 15/10/2019 09:13

Not the update I wanted. I can't post more pictures just yet as it only allows 6 a day and I tried to upload it last night but messed it up.

I got a long message last night with a photo of a diagnosis letter attached. The message started with "incase you don't believe me".

I feel crushed, I would like to know. There are a lot of knowledgeable people here that have taken the time to reply to my post so far, and I apologise if I come off as clueless, it's just all come out of nowhere.

I don't want to put my daughter through anything she doesn't have to go through. Does anybody know if they would test a child abroad? It doesn't look like they do in the uk

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 15/10/2019 09:17

Why did they write a diagnosis letter? No one wrote my dh a diagnosis letter when he gets a new condition.

And he’s a few new conditions since I’ve known him.

simplekindoflife · 15/10/2019 09:28

He could've easily created a letter, so I still wouldn't take that as proof just yet. Take it along to the GP though to ask them about it.

"In case you don't believe me" wow, he's so callous isn't he?! Shock

RegretnaGreen · 15/10/2019 09:30

A diagnosis letter is given so you can claim on an insurance policy or get your pension early etc. There are lots of reasons you can have a diagnosis letter. You can ask for a letter for a cut knee if you want. I suspect he has asked for it for this purpose.

I think you have to believe him OP.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 15/10/2019 09:32

Echo what everyone else has said, speak to your GP.

Also, I agree with the above poster. Some family members of mine have been diagnosed with some very serious conditions...they never received a letter. They were told face to face and told when to come for treatment either by phone or in person.

Windydaysuponus · 15/10/2019 09:33

Show the police the letter.
He is harassing you.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 15/10/2019 09:34

Even if it’s true (or not), l would not contact him. I would still get advice from the police, GP and SS.

This man beat you etc and was deemed very dangerous by the authorities. If he has got a diagnosis, he can still be an abusive/dangerous man.

helpagirloutplease · 15/10/2019 09:46

I completely agree @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda

Unfortunately I do believe the letter (will upload pic when I can). I work in the NHS and see letters like this all the time. I'm in no doubt it was genuine. I don't know how much of the rest of his message I believe.

I haven't responded as per police advice. My main priority now is how I navigate this with my daughter, I need to know.

OP posts:
kristallen · 15/10/2019 12:53

OP could he have faked the letter? Found a copy of one online and photoshopped it? In an image on FB messenger you'd be unlikely to easily see where he'd done alterations, or that logos were pasted for example.

I hope he's faking it. Thanks

swingofthings · 15/10/2019 13:13

I'm so sorry OP, what horrendous news this is. My gut feeling has been that it was true but of course hoped like everyone that it wasn't.

You need to go to the gp. You'll be referred to the genetic clinic and will see a genetic counsellor. They will talk you through it and discuss what is best to do. They are very trained and will know how to guide you.

My heart goes to you, just when you were able to move on from the abuse, you now have to face this and be thrown back in the past. Life is really unfair.

Marellaspirit · 15/10/2019 13:25

So sorry to hear what you are going through OP. As someone from a family with HD I know first hand what it is like to be faced with such a diagnosis. Please do not rush into anything, I know your gut reaction will be to have your daughter tested but please take advantage of any genetic counselling you can get and make sure you fully understand the implications. The Huntington's Disease Association are the only online source I trust for information.
There have been many well meaning but misleading posts about Huntington's, the onset, symptoms etc and that only fuels the fear and uncertainties.

As for a diagnosis letter, yes, they do give you one, if you ask... Sometimes you need one to support a benefit claim etc.

Lhastingsmua · 15/10/2019 13:51

Get the police to tell him that whilst you care about your daughter’s health, you still under no circumstances want to hear from him at all. Therefore even messaging you for “medical issues” is off limits due to his past violence, stalking and harassment and you never want to hear from him.

Did the police advise you to not block his account?

With you daughter, by all means take her to the GP, but you don’t need to be in contact with him from now on.

JustOneTime · 15/10/2019 14:59

Hi there, this is my first post, im usually just a lurker.
My Dad has HD so I thought I would offer my first hand experience.
He received a face to face diagnosis but also then a letter so this is likely real. The letter was sent by the genetics department rather than his GP and my brother and I were advised that we could contact the genetics department directly rather than going to the GP so maybe you could do that if you can see the number on his letter. They will be unlikely to test an under 18 though.
Sorry for this devastating news if it is true. I already had a son when I found out about my Dad's diagnosis so we are both at risk.
As others have said, the Huntingtons Disease Association offer free support and are brilliant.

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