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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a child with husband 50+ (3rd child)

124 replies

Krisskrosskiss · 12/10/2019 23:52

I just want to ask for any experiences of this and how it panned out.
I've always wanted 3 children and my husband is on board with that but the issue is his age. It worries us as neither of us really know how that would be for the child or for us.
He is 48 right now and I am 32 but we would want to get our finances a bit more in order before trying for a 3rd child so realistically he would be coming up to 50 before our 3rd was born (if we are lucky enough to conceive)
So I'm not sure whether I'm being stupid and I should just let go of this idea and come to terms with only having two children now.
Our children are 4 years old and 1 year old.
We do own a 4 bed house so theres no issues with space etc

I'd like to hear from people who've had children later in life or have older than average parents... just to get some idea of how it is for people

Thanks!

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2019 11:32

I think AdoretheBeach is spot on.

I am 50 and I know I don’t want to be obliged to work full time into my late 60’s if I can avoid it. DS2 is 12 (Yr 8) so has just under 6 years left in school. The mortgage should be cleared around the same time. DH and I can then look to wind down our work a bit (we are already saving for Uni costs and our retirement).

Maybe you are very comfortable and a 3rd child won’t have a major financial impact but if you aren’t then do consider if you are going to have to work much longer than you wanted.

MyNewBearTotoro · 13/10/2019 11:33

Considering he’s already had children at 44 and 47 I don’t think having another child at 50 is an extreme plan. I imagine those who think 50 is too old would say similar about 47, you already have a young family and your energy levels and personality etc don’t change overnight on your 50th birthday so the best way to gauge whether your husband is too old would be to look at how he copes with your current young family. Is he able to play an active role with your baby and child? If he’s already worn out and exhausted coping with two children then having a third child isn’t a good idea, but if you both have the energy and finances to manage a third then I don’t think age is a deciding factor.

Lovetoread84 · 13/10/2019 11:52

It wouldn't bother me because you are younger. If you were both that age I'd say don't do it. Plenty of men have children later in life and say it keeps them young. If he wants to I don't see a problem

Original poster

Krisskrosskiss · 13/10/2019 12:03

Both my DH and I were only children and see the drawbacks to that.... so we did want to try for 3. Part of the thinking was that as he is an older dad if there are more siblings the impact on them might be less because they have each other.... both of us are very worried about our own elderly parents as we are the only people there for them.... for me it's the emotional aspect to I feel very alone in dealing with it... I want my children to still have family even after they lose their parents.

Just to add more detail, I am a SAHM and both our children are NT.
My husband is fairly healthy, hes a healthy weight and we are vegetarian. Hes not a gym goer or anything but we enjoy hiking. He does work long hours for the NHS but only over 3 days a week. He is very hands on with the kids on his days off.... but I do worry about how tiring it is for him...

I think if we plan to have another child we really will have to get some savings together etc because it is a big worry having an older parent and only one income that there could be big problems if his health does deteriorate... we also have no physical family help with childcare because both sets of grandparents live abroad... however due to both being only children they do offer some financial help sometimes which is great

Theres lots to think about here with all the comments both positive and negative... I do share a lot of the worries about what it will be like for the kids when they hit their teens... but the thing is we already have two young children so will certainly be experiencing so e of that anyway... so I guess we will be thinking about whether a larger family would actually help that or not?

I know you cant predict the future so it's very difficult to tell whether or not you are doing the right thing.

OP posts:

deplorabelle · 13/10/2019 14:57

I think a third child needs to be thought about very very hard whatever the ages of the parents.

I desperately wanted another live child after one stillborn baby and two healthy subsequent children. I found it very hard to close the door on having children because of my previous loss but now they are 10 and 14 I'm glad I did. Life changes so much in the mid and late primary school years. (And we are learning it will change again with teens) I was glad we could change and adapt with our children rather than have a third anchoring us back in the baby and toddler years when the eldest was ready for days out and holidays without stairgates and afternoon naps. (You would have what seven year gap between eldest and youngest?)

It is absolutely true that the older you are, the more you risk having health problems or having a child with additional needs. It's probably not that much of an increased risk, but each new child is a roll of the dice anyway, regardless of parental age, so having a third is an extra risk and you have to decide whether to take that gamble. A child with serious health problems or additional needs - however loved they are - does put extra strain on a family and it affects everyone.

barryfromclareisfit · 13/10/2019 15:04

Have the baby now and sort out your finances later.

PooWillyBumBum · 13/10/2019 15:12

Is your husband happy to work until 70+ to support three kids through full time education and/or give them help to buy house (which will possibly the only way our kids will ever buy)? That would be my main consideration. We want to retire in our mid-late 50s so it would be a no from me unless he has a fantastic final salary pension or is independently wealthy. Is he sufficiently insured so that if he pops his clogs in his 60s leaving you with three kids to support you’ll be okay? Obviously important for all of us but statistically less likely for younger parents to face this.

Apart from financial planning and being confident he’ll have the energy for it I’m not really sure what business it is of anyone’s.

Scoobydoobywho · 13/10/2019 15:15

My dh and I had our 2nd when I was 44 and he was 52. Its definitely tiring but I couldn't say if I would have been more or less tired had we both been younger. It all depends on the health of the parents, you can be young and unfit or old and fit.

catyrosetom2 · 13/10/2019 15:29

Like @deplorabelle, I was desperate for a third - we ruled it out for many reasons, age was just one. Having to work into our potential retirement years was another. My Dad died suddenly this year at 71 having spent ten years enjoying his retirement to the last; another family member died at 42 leaving two primary aged children. Weirdly, it has made me realise I should just enjoy what I have while it lasts and we are all here.

Lozz22 · 13/10/2019 15:31

@Krisskrosskiss
@user1473878824
Thank you

Ginfordinner · 13/10/2019 15:41

So, will you go back to work once no 3 is born so that you can deal with the expense of teenagers and support them through university?

SpagBowl99 · 13/10/2019 16:01

It's up to each couple to weigh up their own situation and life OP, so go for it if you'd like to. 🤸🏃🚶

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 13/10/2019 16:11

My DH is 51 next week. We have DC, 9 , 3 and 1. He's a great, kind loving dad. He is also fit and has a very youthful outlook. We don't dwell on age but are prepared financially just in case one of us dies prematurely.

Waveysnail · 13/10/2019 16:19

I found a huge jump from 2 - 3. We have 2 years between each. Tbh 3 is hard and expensive

CormacMcLaggen · 13/10/2019 16:24

My DH is 46 and sadly after trying for years we've (both) been diagnosed with fertility issues.

I tell myself well, DH is now approaching 50 do maybe it's just as well we can't have DC, his age does concern me. So I appreciate your worries, OP.

But you already have young children so if he's coping well and is healthy, do feel reassured and go for it!

Tellmetruth4 · 13/10/2019 16:28

The age thing isn’t really the issue. It’s the fact you have to get your finances in order first that’s the issue. A third may put you over the edge and your existing kids are very young. Kids become more expensive the older they get.

I can understand going for one DC despite precarious finances as being poor shouldn’t mean you can’t have any children. However, having subsequent kids when money’s tight is a bad idea.

Xenia · 13/10/2019 16:35

It should be fine but if I were you with a 1 year old I wuld have your third ias soon as you can as that will save on childcare costs. We had 3 under 4 at one point and paid on child carer to look after them -much cheaper than 3 full time nursery places (we both worked full time). It tends to save you money rather than lose you it to have them close together.

My father's father was 38 when he had his first and 48 when he had my father, the last child. The impact was only at the end - his father's income was not enough at 67 to support my father on the degree course he wanted - medicine unlike the oldest whom he did fund for that so my father read phuysica first but then was able to marry after his BSc and my mother's teaching wages support him through his then 5 years medical degree after and also I think some post war grants came in so it was okay. His mother had worked when she was younger but not then. In families with two full time earners even that issue disappears as if teh father is retired the mother may well work time into her 60s or 70s and be able to support children.

Isadora2007 · 19/10/2019 08:45

Not meaning to be morbid but as only children your longer term finances might be okay after your parents die...

MontStMichel · 19/10/2019 09:20

OP - look at it the other way! If anything unfortunately happened to you, would DP be able to cope with the children and work full time, by the time he is 60, as a lone parent?

Thehop · 19/10/2019 09:36

My dad was 48 when I was conceived and he died before walking me down the aisle or meeting my youngest. I miss him terribly.

LollyBeebee123 · 19/10/2019 09:39

If he feels he can do it, then he’s not too old! Look at David Jason, Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart, Kelsey Grammer, Billy Joel, Elton John, John Travolta, Hugh Grant. To name but a few. If it’s good enough for them, then it’s good enough for us mere mortals. You may not have the income of these men, but if you are financially comfortable and it’s what you both want, then go for it. My neighbour was 42 when she had her only child a few years ago. Her husband was 66 and had adult children in their 30’s. They appear to cope just fine and their little girl is perfect, and she seems to keep him young. He’s retired but never stops decorating, gardening walking with daughter and dog. My neighbour would've liked another for little one to grow up with, but her husband said no! Good luck!

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2019 09:42

Like Xenia and others, if you’re going to do it do it quicker.

you’re staying at home at the moment. The shorter your age gaps the quicker you can get back to work - and you’ll need to with 3 DC!
if you want the DC to be close as siblings a smaller gap is better.

I would consider if you can truly afford 3 DC regardless of age. What’s your pension provision like, what’s your DH’s pension like? How long til you pay off the mortgage? Can you afford a bigger car, more expensive holidays/days out etc, three lots of university fees, three teenagers!

We decided we couldn’t.

AutumnalBliss · 19/10/2019 09:50

If you are both loaded then go for it. If you are not then it is a really bad idea. Your DC will be a teenager when your DH retires and you won't be able to support them in the things they need let alone contribute to college, uni, weddings etc. You will be broke. Seriously who in their right mind has a teenager when they are retired? You have 2. I'd leave it at that.

Ludways · 19/10/2019 10:00

I'm 52, my youngest is 13. I could easily deal with a toddler, I'm fit and healthy and could run around and play. The flip side is that I really don't want to. My financial planning is focussed towards retiring and my immediate plans are to enjoy the teenagers I have and to prepare them for becoming independent and leaving the family home. Dh and I joke we can see light and the end of the tunnel, but frankly that's true. I obviously adore my dc and will love having them around for many years to come but if that overlapped into my retirement I'd be having palpitations about how I could manage; financially, energetically, health wise and yes, self centredly in my own freedom and enjoyment.

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