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Original poster

To have a child with husband 50+ (3rd child)

124 replies

Krisskrosskiss · 12/10/2019 23:52

I just want to ask for any experiences of this and how it panned out.
I've always wanted 3 children and my husband is on board with that but the issue is his age. It worries us as neither of us really know how that would be for the child or for us.
He is 48 right now and I am 32 but we would want to get our finances a bit more in order before trying for a 3rd child so realistically he would be coming up to 50 before our 3rd was born (if we are lucky enough to conceive)
So I'm not sure whether I'm being stupid and I should just let go of this idea and come to terms with only having two children now.
Our children are 4 years old and 1 year old.
We do own a 4 bed house so theres no issues with space etc

I'd like to hear from people who've had children later in life or have older than average parents... just to get some idea of how it is for people

Thanks!

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 13/10/2019 05:37

Older sperm Grin

SorryCat · 13/10/2019 05:44

My dad was older. He's got dementia now but had years of rampaging around when I was young and he retired so was home when I was just finishing school. We probably kept him young for longer.
He had strokes from 50 but recovered well and although sad that he's in terrible health now and won't see his grandkids, he taught me important lessons and it has perks of being an older parent. I've not known any different so it's not been an issue.

MrsBertBibby · 13/10/2019 05:48

I hope those criticising older parents are equally censorious about disabled people who reproduce.

My 15yos dad is 72 and disabled. My son loves his dad. Their relationship has not featured rough housing and football, but my son hates that shit so win win. There are no rules about how you dad.

icklekid · 13/10/2019 05:49

I wonder if the bigger concern is financially not being secure now, colleagues who had children later are having to work longer to be able to pay for university when they would otherwise have retired...

MrsBertBibby · 13/10/2019 05:55

The evidence about paternal age and birth defects isn't that strong. Here's a study.

Note there are some defects more likely for fathers under 30. So you pays your penny.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17164268

itsboiledeggsagain · 13/10/2019 05:57

Older sperm?

I haven't seen any research about sen from older fathers

BillHadersNewWife · 13/10/2019 06:00

My DH is 47 and very fit and athletic. He'd be fine to have another child (it's me who wouldn't!)

Bumpitybumper · 13/10/2019 06:13

@MrsBertBibby
The evidence about paternal age and birth defects isn't that strong
I accept there is some dispute about this issue however, just for balance there are other studies such as the one linked below that provide a slightly different perspective.

www.maturitas.org/article/S0378-5122(19)30134-3/fulltext

grumpypregnanttired · 13/10/2019 06:16

I think it’s fine! Not really much difference being a 48 year old father to a one year old or a 50 year old father to a newborn! Mumsnet is weird about this - if a woman is asking if she’s too old to have a baby everyone seems to be like ‘NO! Go for it! I was X age when I had my baby!’ But if the man is older everyone is way more reluctant. Only you know your husband and how he is. Only you know if he’s already struggling with a one year old and a newborn would be too much!

Marinetta · 13/10/2019 06:21

I think you also have to think more long term here than just about having a newborn. When the child is 20 and just starting out in life the dad will be 70. He may be a fit and actice 70 year old or he may be in need of help and support and the child may feel obliged to stay at home and help look after him rather than go off in the world to build their own life. The child may miss out on the opportunity to travel, move away for university, live abroad, focus on a career etc in order to look after its father. Of course this could happen with a parent of any age but its far more likely with an older parent.
A friend of mine gave up her youth to look after her elderly parents and although it was her decision she felt she would have been seen as a bad daughter if she chose differently. She went to uni close to home to be there for her parents and didn't go to the university she wanted, passed up the opportunity to study abroad for a year and never persued her dream career as it would have meant moving away from her parents.

Sobeyondthehills · 13/10/2019 06:28

I agree with PP that if it feels right then go for it.

Example

both myself and my partner are in our 30's his parents have both died young. I still have my parents, my great aunt died a few weeks ago aged 96, as long as he is a healthy man that can keep up with a toddler then you should be fine

AdoreTheBeach · 13/10/2019 06:29

My husband is now 56. He has been talking about retirement and planning it from about 48. Timing is all dependant upon our youngest finishing university - yes university. Because you still pay for things for your kids and he wants to ensure support until the finish their education. We have been financially planning for this too - mortgage to be paid off, investments made to allow for a certain annual payout (pension top ups etc).

Starting to have kids in your 50’s you need to consider your financial situation longer term and in wider perspective. Will your husband still be able to work and earn similar in 5 years, 10 years etc. Can you afford your mortgage, food, expenses on your salary and his pension?

As another poster commented - what about energy levels to play or take care of the child(ren).

Will you be able to fill these gaps and be happy to do so? Will your DH be happy knowing he may not be able to provide in these ways for your child(ren) ?

If so, there’s your answer.

OrangeSwoosh · 13/10/2019 06:29

You already have 2 young children so why is a third any different consideration wise? There'd only be a 3ish year age gap assuming you fell pregnant quite quickly. It's not like you have two older teenagers and are thinking of starting again

BlueJava · 13/10/2019 06:33

I'd go for it if I wanted a 3rd child, but I'd screen for problems as the likelihood increases as parents get older. I don't think 50 is too old, it could also be he'll be more patient as older.

Notajogger · 13/10/2019 06:34

From an adult perspective, my dad is older and it makes me sad that he won't be around to see his grandchildren grow up.

He certainly won't be able to have the relationship i did with my mum's parents, very close and active - whereas because my grandparents on his side were so much older I never met my grandfather and my grandmother lived to a good age but still died when I was young.

My dad will die when my kids are relatively young and he won't be able to have any kind of "decent" relationship with them.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 13/10/2019 06:44

I would crack on right now and try for a third. I have three and have never regretted it. Finances will sort themselves but time marches on.

Kungfupanda67 · 13/10/2019 06:48

If you’ve got a 1 year old when he’s 48, there’s not much of a jump to having another at 50. If your older two were teenagers it would be different, but he’s already in the middle of young children, so in all honesty what difference will it actually make?

My dad was 30 when I was born and was completely useless. He was 47 when my youngest brother was born, he’s 10 now and my dad is just as useless with him as he was with me; if your husband is a good dad to your existing kids he will probably continue to be a good dad to a new baby.

Age/health wise, my Nan died at 36 - she had her own children young, so they were in their midteens when she died. Unfortunately you can die at any age - no one would suggest everyone should have children at 18 so that if you die young your kids had their mum/dad for as long as possible. Your husband could live another 50 years, or he might not - the same can be said for everyone.

edgeofheaven · 13/10/2019 06:51

A family friend is a paediatric specialist focusing on developmental disorders. She told me there is clear research linking autism specifically to older parents with a stronger correlation with the father’s age. Likely because mothers physically can’t really be over 50 but fathers can be.

I also second previous comments that age-related health conditions are real, this is not a conspiracy theory. OP if I were you I’d ask myself - if DH develops health problems in the next 5-10 years, are you prepared to care for him while also raising 3 small children at the same time?

YouJustDoYou · 13/10/2019 06:56

My father died at 65 leaving me a very upset 15 year old. I loved him to bits but he was too old to play etc - because of my personal experience I think it is too old

^^This. Seen it happen. It's horrible.

JoObrien7 · 13/10/2019 06:56

I think 50 is too old but having said that my mother had me at 19 which is too young. I had my first child at 27 and my last at 32 and I struggled as I felt too old at 32 because I didn't have the energy to chase after a 2 year old little boy. My daughter had her son at 30 and she is finding it a bit of struggle with all the tantrums and screaming ... which I find a bit funny having been through it with her and her younger brother.

NoSauce · 13/10/2019 07:03

The poor sod would be knackered. You’ve already got very young children, I wouldn’t in your shoes OP.

SerenDippitty · 13/10/2019 07:10

My dad was 50 when I was born. On the plus side he was plenty active enough to play with us and a great dad. On the minus side he died when he was 67. And I have all the symptoms of ADD and suspect I’m mildly autistic - online tests bear this out.

My DB also became a dad at 50. He’s very fit and active and runs and cycles.

UnaCorda · 13/10/2019 07:11

Age at birth has no bearing on how long you’ll be around to parent...

Sorry, but this is patently ridiculous.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 13/10/2019 07:11

Age at birth has no bearing on how long you’ll be around to pare
Anybody heard about statistics?!

All very nice anecdotes of people’s DF/DH that had DC at 50+ and lived healthily through their childhoods... but statistically you can’t deny there are more chances of a DC growing up without a dad or at least a present dad (death, dementia, illness...) if the dad is older.

SnozPoz · 13/10/2019 07:15

You can just as easily die in your 20s or 30s. It's a nonsense argument as we none of us know how long we have when we have children. It is always a gamble. My dad was 48 when I was born. He died when I was 48. I wouldn't think twice about doing it if I were you. However why wait?

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