To have a child with husband 50+ (3rd child)

[Krisskrosskiss]

I just want to ask for any experiences of this and how it panned out.
I've always wanted 3 children and my husband is on board with that but the issue is his age. It worries us as neither of us really know how that would be for the child or for us.
He is 48 right now and I am 32 but we would want to get our finances a bit more in order before trying for a 3rd child so realistically he would be coming up to 50 before our 3rd was born (if we are lucky enough to conceive)
So I'm not sure whether I'm being stupid and I should just let go of this idea and come to terms with only having two children now.
Our children are 4 years old and 1 year old.
We do own a 4 bed house so theres no issues with space etc

I'd like to hear from people who've had children later in life or have older than average parents... just to get some idea of how it is for people

Thanks!

But bumpity, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m not saying people should throw caution to the wind and have child after child after child, but I was 17 when I lost my mother and while it was sad, to be a bit blunt here, it wasn’t life-ending devastation I will never ever recover from either. Plenty of people lose a parent when young and go on to have a happy adult life.

My husband was in his 50's when our youngest was born. I don't know if that was conected to her autism, but if i had known the risks, I'd would have had her sooner.

Your risk factors for disease and not surviving serious illnesses increases after 50. Like it or not. I'm at that age now and even among my health conscious peer group, there's lots of diagnosis of various things, including cancer, happening.

Some things are lifestyle related, but many are a matter of luck.

"Judging by the ages of many Rock Stars Mick Jagger,Sir Rod Stewart etc 50 is positively young IMO!"

Lets not ignore the fact of these people being millionaires and billionaires. They tend to use nannies and boarding schools. The men see very little of their children.

It's like saying every 90+ year old can do what the Queen does.

Really concerned by the undercurrents in this thread. Dinosauraddict, do you think nobody with disabilities should have children -- if they know they might become sick or die sooner?

One of your children is only 1, so I think a lot of the posters on here are being very insensitive as he is already an older father. I think you will only regret not trying. One 50 year old will be very different to another health and stamina-wise. Follow your instincts and you'll know what to do :) Good luck with whatever you decide!

There are no guarantees in life.
My husband and I both lost a parent each as children. They were both only in their 30s Fifty is not so old now. I think statistics show that the onset of health problems are more likely while the child is still young but many 50+ are very healthy. Realistically if he's healthy he's got another 30 years ahead of him. If he were ten years older I'd say he was definitely too old.

Koloh I Think it is reasonable to expect parents to consider the life they can offer a child. It’s not a horrible thing to say, it’s reality. The children are more important than the parents.

I imagine many people with disabilities think long and hard about how parenting will work for them and their child before making the leap. For some the disability Will Easily be manageable, for others it will impact on the quality of the child’s life.

If someone knows their life expectancy is relatively short, and they are unlikely to see a child grow up, then I do think this should be a big factor in a decision.

A couple on my street have a toddler. Both are disabled and their parents are quite elderly. They can’t take the child out because they can’t move quickly and therefore it’s dangerous if he breaks free. They won’t be able to teach him to ride a bike, or swim, or play football etc etc. They can’t take him out for a walk Unless he is in a buggy (even then only one op is mobile enough to push the buggy). Another neighbour Kindly Includes the little man in their family outings - but as he gets older he is bound to wish his parents could do these things with him.

Saying their disabilities shouldn’t have been a factor in their decision to start a family is bonkers.

I knew, really, that this is what everyone thinks, but was dipping my toe back in to MN to see as I am considering, again, conceiving a longed for baby. But my DH is disabled and I know this is considered to be evil behaviour. We are not fit parents. We are harmful. We would harm a child just by existing as their parents. I am a bad woman. I do not deserve to be a mother, or rather no child deserves to have me as a mother.

If I do it, I must do it alone. No support for me on MN. No community of women for women like me.

My dad was an older dad and I'm not sure I'd have a third if he's going to be in his fifties. I'm not saying that everyone is the same but there is a strong possibility that he will have less energy in his fifties: mine has fallen off a cliff. Also, my dad was pretty preoccupied with his own life by the time I was in my late teens. He didn't want to do parents' evenings and school plays.

Also it becomes more likely that your children will be looking after your dh while looking after small children the older you get. He'd be 80 by the time the youngest is 30 and probably starting their own family.

I'm not saying don't do it. Or that people shouldn't have children when older. I had mine in my late 30s but it's not ideal.

Who in their right mind wants to be running around after a toddler in their 50s???

Koloh I think you being extreme. You are projecting your own insecurities onto others.

Of course people with disabilities can be wonderful parents. In terms of practicalities you need to think through how it would work and ensure it would be safe for the child, and you can adapt to ensure the child gets the necessary childhood experiences (if necessary - some disabled parents can handle anything and everything).

In my example, the couple should have thought through how they would handle the physical needs of a mobile toddler and young child. This could have be manageable if they put in pace a support network. Unfortunately they didn’t so it fell the neighbours.

In terms of life expectancy having a child if you know you aren’t going to survive their childhood is a very challenging situation, and a rough path to knowingly place that child on.

But only you know your particular situation and circumstances.

Everything I have said has been said and agreed with on MN. (Not all on this thread, I agree!)

So don’t listen to them😊.

People out there have dreadful opinions about loads of things. You would go mad if you listened to them all.

If you believe you and your husband are up for the challenge of parenting, then go for it.

No I would not even consider haveing a baby with a 45yo man. I don't think the child would have the best possible life. I am a gm and in my mid 30s I had children young and always felt the stigma from the older perents. I think if you are planning a child one thing you should think about are the risks. The older you get the more risks so to concider a child concider the risks. I thought about haveinga baby when I was 33 and a pro midwife said that I was not really thinking about a baby I was thinking about myself as anything can happen when a female is over the age of 30. The best ages to conceive is 20s you have the strongest eggs and less chance of abnormalities.

My dad was 45 when I was born and 55 when my sister was born and tbh we both wished he was younger. He didn't have the energy to play with us and then he got ill and died when my sister was 22. We didn't have that much time with him so I'd say enjoy & invest in the children that you have now. Rather than having another one and changing the dynamics of your family life forever.

But anyway, I agree for sure it does me no good to mention this reality and will not do so again.

50 is too old

I would say it depends on your husband’s health, fitness and energy levels! Only you can really answer this between yourselves!

My father was 49 for his 3rd (unexpected) child, and by that point had just checked out of parenting. Didn’t play, etc. When it got to the university/first home stage he wasn’t in a position to help, financially or practically. But that’s him, and doesn’t really bear any relation to your DH, who might be a completely different 50 year old!

I would say that if he thinks he can do it, and do it well, then there’s no problem.

That again, I find it very hard to believe that a midwife talked you about of having a baby at 33 purely based on your age.

30% of mothers giving birth are aged 30-34. Doctors don’t classify you as an older mother until you are over 35 - for some it’s 40.

I would be very concerned about this professional - I think you should report him/her.

My partner is 62, and we have 3 children together 10,8 and 3. He seems to be in better health whilst I am hobbling along in pain. (Severe vitamin d deficiency - being treated though)

I'm 46 and husband 45. We're both knackered with work and have to see our DC through uni still (they're 13 now).

The finances are a worry. Teenagers are so expensive and the thought that you have to keep providing is a huge responsibility.

The thought of doing all this if we were pushing 70 when DC go off to uni, no chance.

We have two DC aged 13 - hence the financial worry of them both going to uni same time!

You already have very young children, so from that perspective, why not?

If you had teenagers and we thinking of starting again I'd say no way.

I agree about the risk of paternal age being a risk factor for autism but I believe it's quite a low risk relatively speaking.

My parents were older and it has been a constant source of worry. But, in your case, you’ve already gone down that path and I don’t know that there would be that much difference for the 1 year old compared to a new baby. I think it would be different if you had a 10 year old and were on a different life stage. You do have to make sure you’ve got good life insurance though and know what you would do financially re needing to retire early. If you’re needing to save, it doesn’t sound like you’ve got a lot of wiggle room at the moment.

My parents were older, and I hated it. They died when I was 29 and 32, so I wasn't a child, but all of my friends still had parents living and in good health at that age.

Due to infertility issues I had DD at 41, DH was 48. Instead of retiring he is still working so that we can support her through university (I'm still working anyway). Other than that I don't think our ages have had a detrimental effect on her, but I would not want to be supporting 3 teenagers through university at this time of life.

I think 50 is too old. My dad was 54 when I was born and now he is 86 and has dementia. My issue is not that he won’t be around to see my kids grow up - I’ve accepted that - but that my mum will face 95% of the burden of caring for him. I’m an only child (because of my parents ages, it wasn’t an option to have more children) and my kids are 4 and 1 so when I’m not working I’m looking after them. When my DH’s nan had dementia, DH was an adult by then (also an only child) so at least MIL had more time to dedicate to her without having to worry about negotiating toddlers.