To try to have a baby at 43 with a big age gap

[whysh]

1 dc. Would love another but very worried about

Being too old (have had one miscarriage already last year which was horrible)
Too much of age gap between dcs
Would be like having 2 onlies if it happens
Baby could end up with health problems
Would be 61 at dc2 18th birthday!

On paper ( head) I know AIBU but my heart says please try ...

Thanks for all the views it's helpful. I'm surprised that most are saying go for it I thought it would be the opposite!

I've been doing some thinking and visualising the future eg in ten years time if we went for it and if we didn't

So I have... in 11 years time taking dc1 to look at universities with a 9 year old

Dc1 leaving home at 18 and having a 10/11 year old still at home

Dh and I being 63 with a 20 year old and a 27 year old

It's all a bit scary but I can still imagine it IYSWIM

I've also looked at why I want another child:-

It's a gut feeling I can't describe
I don't feel like we are done
We have love to give and dc1 would be a great elder sibling and it could bring out even life good qualities in him
Financially we are ok

Then there are the " known" issues
It will be hard
It will be challenging with a big age gap
It will affect our couple time and me time which we have got used to with dc1 being older
We have had 7 years of dc1 being an only and it will affect dc1
We will have less/ no support from our own aging parents
We have no other family to help

Then the Unknown's but increased risks:-

I will likely miscarry again which will be upsetting and at worst a late miscarriage/ still birth / ectopic
We may end up with a disabled child
We may end up with multiples

So again on paper it's a definite no

It's hard to hear though!

i have 12 10 and 2 year old sons its great! im 38

@whysh do you mind if I ask why you've waited until now to make the decision?

I wouldn’t worry about the age gap- my sister and I are 8 years apart and very close :)

Op, I had my 4th at age 37 after a 10 year gap, best decision ever.
Go for it!

@foodname good question!

Honestly
We found it hard having dc1 he didn't sleep!
We had no family locally
I had a good career and wanted to pick it back up
Then we started to think about it when he was 3/4 but then it was getting easier and we thought why rock the boat? Maybe we are fine with one
Then we started to think are we sure about this because it's a decision that can't be undone then we worried about the age gap and our age but thought fuck it let's try last year and got pregnant immediately but it ended in m/c at 8 weeks so that takes us to now...,

@whysh the reason I ask, it seems really common (judging from mumsnet, and I can understand it generally) to get slightly panicky, as the fertile years count down, it doesn't seem to be entirely rational but more hormonal. Do you think you'd feel like this at 33? The risks would be less so it wouldn't be as difficult a decision, but would the broodiness be there do you think? A hard one to answer I imagine though!

@foodname

Yes hormones and the fertility door closing have a big part to play I'm sure..
If I don't go for it maybe in 2 years I'll think thank god I didn't and be happy I didn't listen to my gut and my hormones

But maybe I won't maybe I'll think I wish I had tried and now it's too late

It doesn't sound too old to me op but then my 2 granny's & their sisters all had children naturally in their 40s.

Well my dad died suddenly at 44 sometimes people do die young

You've said you don't think you could cope with a child with a disability, you would because you would have to like those of us that do. I really wouldn't want to be coping with it at my age though (41)

I just wish I had realised earlier that I wanted another child in our future and tried then

Now it's too much of a risk as many people have pointed out

The right decision is to stop and be grateful for what I have..

I'm very sad about it though

@whysh I understand. I'm still young (ish) but my children are 9 and 6, and I just think I've left it too long to add another child to the mix, I think it'll have more of a negative impact on my 2 than if I had of done it close after. If we'd just gone for it then we'd have gotten on with it, but it feels like such a step back now and I really believe it wouldn't be in my children's interests.

I used to always think go for it and have thought about having more in 5 years when I’m a similar age. But I’ve realised that my Grandma could have had me at that age and currently she requires quite a lot of care from my parents who are constantly taking her to appointments, shopping etc and right now I wouldn’t feel in my stage of life able to do that for a parent. So I wouldn’t.

Sorry I know that's not exactly the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand making a decision that feels sensible and informed at the time, but down the line regretting not thinking long term enough. But it's hind sight isn't it?

Go for it. I’m having my second at 43 next year.

You can have the Harmony test to rule out Downs and other disorders.

Go for it as long as you can afford it. I lost 4 in 3 years. Gave up and without saying much, I’d love another now but due to my age (46), I am past it. Money isnt an issue
As mum passed recently and left a good sum to me, which will go on the house.

I am the youngest child in my family, with an 8 year old gap to my next sibling. My mum was 42 when I was born. My husband is the opposite. He is the eldest of 4, the first three being very close together and then a big gap to the youngest. He is 15 years older than his youngest sibling.
We both had very happy childhoods and neither of us ever felt that our families were in any way odd. My DH says the only negative thing he remembers is being very embarrassed when his mum was pregnant as it was undeniable evidence that his parents were still having sex. In their forties, how very dare they! I never found having older parents an issue as a child, but they were both very fit and young for their ages. The only thing that makes me a bit sad is that as I had my own children relatively late too, only my eldest really has clear memories of her grandparents. My younger two were very young when my parents died. So whilst I dont feel it impacted on my childhood, there have been some effects on my adult life.
But I dont really see those effects as bad, that is just my life. I had a slightly shorter time with my parents than many people do but that time was packed with love and happiness. I think that is the most important thing. If you have that to give, then follow your heart.

@Elbowedout lovely post.

There’s a 7 year gap between DS’s partner and her sister and they are amazingly close and very supportive of each other. A friend recently became a granny for the second time after a nine year gap. Her elder grandson has become an amazing big brother while the baby thinks the world of him.

I'm 39, DH is 47. Up until recently I have had hazy half thoughts of having a 3rd child although not serious enough to warrant a discussion. But then I realised that it doesn't matter how old I am now but how old i or DH will be when that child starts school or uni. I couldn't expect DH to cope with sleepless nights into his 50s, neither of our children slept well so I can't imagine better of a 3rd and more importantly I couldn't put up with it.

I love babies and love holding them. But I am not young enough to ha e another

So I would say have a good think about how much more of your life you want to spend standing in the park. Or going to soft play. Or organising parties. Or dealing with school run and school parents. Or the sleepless nights. Or childcare costs.

Yes babies are amazing. Children are a gift and the love they bring is a joy. But that doesn't mean there is no downside or difficulty that comes with them too.

Oh I have a nearly 7 year age gap and I didn't think it was that unusual. It's never been a problem and certainly not like having 2 only children. They're definitely siblings with all the fun that brings with it!!

I say go for it.