To try to have a baby at 43 with a big age gap

[whysh]

1 dc. Would love another but very worried about

Being too old (have had one miscarriage already last year which was horrible)
Too much of age gap between dcs
Would be like having 2 onlies if it happens
Baby could end up with health problems
Would be 61 at dc2 18th birthday!

On paper ( head) I know AIBU but my heart says please try ...

My brother is 11 years younger than me and we are close, not best friends close but we have a really good relationship.

Saying that though I personally couldn’t do it. Going back to the beginning when everything is much easier? Nope. And factoring in age, do you really want to be in your 60’s with a kid that’s just going to uni? I can’t think of anything worse.

Go for it! Best wishes xxx

I wouldn’t pay much attention to the young ones posting that 43 ‘is too old’, it’s not. It only seems thatbway when you’re very young and anyone over 30 is ancient!

7 years isn’t a huge age gap.

Too many people have babies because they feel broody or just because they want one! They’re not good enough reasons by themselves!

Why else WOULD you have a baby?

Batshit comment.

I was almost 43 with my 2nd Dc; I also had a miscarriage before that one. 8 year age gap between my two. Have a friend that had her last at 43 too with a 7 year gap.

Do what you want to do. You are not being unreasonable for wanting to have another baby, and another miscarriage is not inevitable.

Had 2miscarriages and a stillborn baby at full term. Accidentally got pregnant at 42, my daughter is the light of my life... but she is seriously disabled. That may be a genetic thing but I do ask myself every day.. it’s also extremely difficult at 44 having a toddler (she’s bright and developing much better than I thought possible/ than doctors thought, but it’s so scary thinking of her/my future). I wouldn’t do it again. Sorry if that’s not encouraging- partly I want to say go for it, but age alone makes me a) more patient than I would have been 20 years ago but b) less likely to get a job once my little one goes to school. I wish you the best with your decision

I have a gap of 2 years. Their personalities are so different it's like having 2 onlies. go for it.

7 years is not to bad.
I had a 16 year age gap,between eldest and youngest.I have other children

I’m going to wheel out some cliches for you here OP: only regret the things you don’t do not those you do do, and age is only a number, what matters is your attitude. 61 is only old if you let it be. I’m 53 and fitter than I’ve ever been, I certainly don’t intend to slow down when I hit 60 and I’m managing the menopause and my 2 lovely teenagers just fine. Don’t listen to the naysayers. And the age gap is fine, big one will love looking after little one. Go for it!

Just do it...good luck and enjoy!! XxMy youngest was a teenager when I was menopausal and I can honestly say it wasn’t a problem.X

I wouldn't. But I don't think your reasons are hard and fast for not.

There's 8 years between my eldest and my stepson and there's the same between me and my brother btw.

I am speaking from the youngest child's point of view. I am nine years younger than my brother, who is fifteen months younger than my sister. My siblings resented my existence. My sister mothered me a great deal into my forties, which is why we are now severely estranged. I have friends thirteen and fifteen years younger than their siblings who were sexually abused by siblings or their significant others, given alcohol as preschoolers, and physically beaten by elder sibs. Much younger siblings are often bribed not to tell their parents about unsavory doings. I think a big age gap is a bad idea. My friends who have the best relations with their adult siblings have small age gaps.

7 years is totally fine. I have 9 year age gap, and a child with sen, and still never ever regretted having child number two and his big brother is so so pleased to have a sibling. Best thing I ever did.

@Ericaequites wow that is awful. So sorry for you.

However I would say that is totally down to family dynamics and upbringing. My older son totally adores his younger sibling and if anyone even thought of harming him he’d be on him like a tonne of bricks. We all keep a close eye on each other in my family and there is absolutely no mean or bullying behaviour tolerated.

Age gap seems fine to me but I would be looking at getting some support re fertility at 43.

When you say “ you’d love to have another” what are you thinking? Last ditch before the option dries up? The cuteness of a baby, keeping yourself relevant ...

Personally I’d say no to trying and if it happens it happens. I’m not sure motives in your mid 40’s as those in your 20’s especially if you have one already.

ANBU but make sure it's truly your heart and not your hormones

That in spades.

@IncrediblySadToo "I wouldn’t pay much attention to the young ones posting that 43 ‘is too old’, it’s not. It only seems thatbway when you’re very young and anyone over 30 is ancient!"

That's an incredibly ignorant and patronising thing to say, it's not my age that makes me weary of risk, it's science, facts. Eggs deteriorate over time, you are at a much increased risk of having a child with issues I your 40s, I would just do the research first to make an informed choice rather than follow the "well I was fine brigade". 43 is not ancient, obviously, but it is an advanced age for childbearing, we all know that or you wouldn't have mentioned your age at all.

I had my third child at 45 after a 21 year gap. He has been a more challenging teenager (maybe my age ) but love him to bits as do his siblings .

Absolutely not, but my mum had me at that age and died when I was in my late 20s so I am biased about the age thing. All my cousins were much older than me esp as my dad was much younger than his two siblings so you have to think of the impact on the child. If you’re the eldest w close in age siblings it shouldn’t be too much of a worry.

Also, My best friend @ school was also a ‘happy surprise’ to older parents and she had no siblings at home when I knew her. I think that’s how we bonded initially! Her mum had died by the time my friend was in her mid-20s.
Then you have to consider rates of congenital defects and disabilities. I had one which was thankfully corrected but it so could’ve gone the other way and I was v ill at birth. Could you cope w a child w disabilities? That’d be a no from me and one reason I stopped at two children (who had small health issues at birth - that was enough tempting fate for me).

I would not want a baby myself in my 40s as in terms of child bearing if is old. It might not be a popular view but in terms of having children it is. The mumsnet demographic always appears skewed towards women who have largely had babies in their mid to late 30s and so for many of those parents having a child in your 40s doesn't seem that old. You will have read dozens of posts from women who have kids in their 40s who are super fit and in a better financial position than they were in their 20s but that doesn't mean that they won't go on to develop longterm conditions in their 50s and the truth is that the likelihood increases with age. As a mu h older parent there is also a very real chance that you might not be present for the birth of any grandkids or be able to support your child as they go through the different stages of life and miss milestones such as seeing them get married or raising their children. I dont think a 7 year age gap is an issue though so I wouldn't worry about that.

That being said if you are financially sound, healthy and both yourself and your oh agree on it then go for it and good luck x

I think, if you and your DH are healthy and live a healthy lifestyle then I don't think it is unreasonable to go for it.

Nobody has yet mentioned the OP’s DP’s age. To my mind that’s a big issue. If he’s also early 40s then that’s one thing, but if he’s older than her and into his fifties then age-related problems become much more pressing.

And what does he think of this plan?

What does your DP think? Is he happy to have another?

I'd also consider the fact, you could end up with twins too, and how that might affect your lives.

I would say on every count just go for it!!
I know people who've had children naturally round about the 50 mark and no problems - and also they 'all have the best of both worlds - the independence of an only child but still with the support of a sibling - as for being over 69 when they turn 18 -be matter of fact about the whole thing 'yes ok we're older than the average parent but a lot of parents are older than me '

Over 60 I meant not 69!!!!