To try to have a baby at 43 with a big age gap

[whysh]

1 dc. Would love another but very worried about

Being too old (have had one miscarriage already last year which was horrible)
Too much of age gap between dcs
Would be like having 2 onlies if it happens
Baby could end up with health problems
Would be 61 at dc2 18th birthday!

On paper ( head) I know AIBU but my heart says please try ...

My cousins are 7 years apart. Youngest 18 now and aunt is 60. Agreeably they didn't plan on having her, but it seems to have worked out fine. Cousins are much closer than my other set who are 3 years apart and aunt and uncle are ticking along fine despite the fact they were not beacons of health in their 40s. If you want to do it, go for it.

"Guilt ridden that she's going to die soon" I know how this feels but my Mum had me at 30. 17 years ago she was convinced it would be her last Christmas, guilt guilt. This is pretty much the permanent state of things. She's genuinely not at all well and needs a lot of care and support but after about 10 years I started to realise I had to live my own life without feeling guilty all the time. As a friend said then "she'll outlive us all".

I've known friends and family die leaving a young family when they were in their 30s or 40s and others going strong in their late 80s having seen children born when they were 50 grow up and have children of their own.

I dont think we have as much control over our fertility, menopause or feelings about reproduction as we imagine.

I should never go on these threads it makes me so broody.

Dh is 43 too. He was happy to try last year before the miscarriage but haven't asked him again as yet as I need to understand my own feelings about it first

I could not cope with a disabled child and would never forgive myself for being so selfish in going for it later in life if dc2 was disabled. This is probably my number one concern and I know there are far more risks

I think the head is going to win on this one...

I have 19 years between my 2. It is like having 2 only children. Dont regret it for a second (well I did for a split second when she was a fee weeks old and we had no more than 2 hours sleep a night due to silent reflux!). I did pay for additional testing when pregnant and had the harmony test due to my age.

For me it's the little things that would put me off (nearly 43 myself) are:-
Being one of the oldest mums at playgroup and school - shouldn't matter but having mum friends of similar age and background was a massive plus to those young years and I think it would feel quite lonely without this
Impact on siblings such as meals out, parties etc ...we were the family in our friendship group with a baby when others had school age kids and always had to leave first / walk prams round the block which my older kids resented
Days out - hard to find things that big age gaps both want to do
I'm already starting to feel my age and would find sleepless nights , bending down with little ones, carrying a baby for hours exhausting

I’d just be like if it happens it happens. Had dd at 40 with 10 year age gap and she’s absolutely delightful and I have loads of energy compared to having 2 close together at 30.

My toddler mum friends are all around 10 years younger than me and it’s not an issue at all. They kind of ask me stuff as I’ve been through a few things they’re embarking on (having 2 mainly) but we all have things in common. I’m not interested in making friends at the school gate and the toddler group friends just happened!

Up to you but there is no way in hell i would wont to have a youngster in my 50s. Your 50s should be about pleasing yourself, weekends away, nights out and a 2 seater sports car before you need to look after the Grandchildren, when are you ever going to get the chance to be a middle aged teenager ?

You don't have to have a kid in your mid-forties to be the oldest of the school mums. I had my youngest at 34 and somehow I'm the outlier in his class. I could always move to London if the shame becomes too much to carry

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Today 01:16GrimDamnFanjo

Age gap seems fine to me but I would be looking at getting some support re fertility at 43."
Before even trying? Why?

I'm 16 years old than my youngest sibling. 7 years wouldn't put me off at all.

Another thing to consider are finances when you have teenagers and helping funding university etc, if you were near retirement age or planning on cutting down hours.

My parents had a were a similar age when I was born and their is a similar gap between my older brother and I and honestly I had a very lonely childhood.

My brother and I didn't feel like siblings until we were adults and I got a lot less of my parents time and energy than my brother did.
I even have less of a relationship with my extended family than my brother as my cousins are all of a similar age to him or older.

I’m 61 (not in my head!) grown up children doing their own thing, foster carer to three, 2 young teens who are here for as long as they need be, and a baby who is in our home and hearts until he finds his very lucky forever home. Anything is possible if it’s what you want, don’t overthink it, don’t worry what is normal...
Good luck with your decision, health to do it.

Head over heart for me.

I’m 42 with 2 DC (15 & 11) and often feel broody.

But one of my children has SN and it has been an incredibly hard journey with him
so far. I struggled in my 20s & 30s wuth the stress of supporting him and that was with the support of sprightly grandparents in their 60s. It would be the death of me, now.

I just couldn’t take the risk of having another child with complex special needs.

Sorry but I think YABVU. The broodiness is hormonal but the risks of health problems, including autism which you cannot screen for, is vastly increased at that age.

I had my last baby at 43, after 2 miscarriages. Next youngest was 15 and eldest 21.

Being on maternity leave a year before needing to fill out student finance forms was good timing , although visiting universities with a baby/toddler was not so good.

The early years were fantastic, and almost gave us a new lease of life. We hadn't appreciated how much nursery fees were though, having not had to use paid childcare with the others, and that almost wiped us out. You can't downsize/cut back when you have teens at home.

I've also had some issues with jobs I couldn't apply for, and having to go part time for the primary years, which hadn't crossed our minds. Plus moving, and having to factor in being near decent schools.

We haven't experienced the doting older sibs others have mentioned. One of the older children dotes on the youngest; one is resentful; the others ignore her. She does feel like an "only" most of the time.

Trouble is that nobody's experiences will be the same as anyone else's. In our case I was dx with cancer when the youngest was only 3 yo, and we'd not long relocated to a different county with all the upheaval that involved. Had I know that was on the cards then obviously having a late baby isn't something I'd have even contemplated.

Overall we've done things we wouldn't have done otherwise and on the whole our experiences have been positive. But only you know how it will change your life and whether it's a good idea for you.

Coming from a personal perspective, I wouldn't. My parents had me when they were older, and they had both died by the time I was 24 years old, and it has royally screwed me up. My dad was 70 when he died and mum was late fifties though so I know this is well below life expectancy age. I just wish they'd have had me a few years earlier so I had more time with them.

I had my youngest at 35, there's 18 years between him and his oldest brother

Main concern would be increased risk of disibility. My youngest has sn and the first 4 years of his life were incredibly hard . The worry about how independent he will be when he is older and what will happen when I die is worse though

Stealthpolarbear maybe they mean it is a low chance of pregnancy due to fertility at 43? I think in general fertility really drops after around 40...

GO.FOR.IT - had my third at 44. I’m pretty confident in saying you won’t regret it. Best of luck.

Dear Kittykat93 I really am sorry you lost your parents so young and you make a good point.

I couldn't have had DS earlier, I could, perhaps, have had a different child earlier. The only way for your parents to have you was when they did. With hindsight can you think of anything your parents could have done to make it easier for you?

I wouldn't... but that's because we lost a baby to chromsomal issues at only 28 so I'd be concerned about that risk increasing.
Just to say, the issue wasn't passed on from us and should have had a tiny percentage change of happening.
So you just never know.

Though saying that out loud, maybe you should go for it because bad things can happen at any age! 🙈

OP would be bonkers to [not] have a baby based on a handful of online strangers telling her that their experiences were [not] good.

I'd say that it might work out, but it seems risky/a bad idea. Maybe if the money situation was so perfect that OP could essentially afford to do nothing but put her feet up & be pampered for the rest of her life. Otherwise...