To try to have a baby at 43 with a big age gap

[whysh]

1 dc. Would love another but very worried about

Being too old (have had one miscarriage already last year which was horrible)
Too much of age gap between dcs
Would be like having 2 onlies if it happens
Baby could end up with health problems
Would be 61 at dc2 18th birthday!

On paper ( head) I know AIBU but my heart says please try ...

I had an unplanned pregnancy (would have been a big age gap) at your age. Lost the baby, had several more miscarriages after. If I'd known that, and known how I'd feel, I would have tried more intentionally sooner. Bottom line -- if I were you I'd go for it.

Menopause and a teenager. No thanks

SIL has this having had her dc mid thirties. Having a dc at 43 or 33 or 23 and you could still have this.

OP you need to figure out if you do want another child, at all their and your life stages, or whether it is your hormones and the "last chance" talking. And whether you (and your dh and dc1) could handle the strains of possible further miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy complications.
If you're fine with all that, then go ahead.

I have a 15 yo, 13 yo and a 3 month old. I’m nearly 40 and would love another. The age gap is amazing. The older two absolutely dots on our youngest.

My mum had me at 43.

I’m 24, and she’s nearly 67. I often get guilt-ridden by her, telling me that she is “going to die soon”, and I don’t see her enough. I’m sure you’re lovely, and wouldn’t project the same guilt onto your child. But it’s something to think about, as your age will no doubt be playing on their mind.

Everyone’s circumstances are different - if you’re fit and healthy, and still have parents alive yourself, I’d say go for it!

I had a dc at 43. Ds was 6. Now 5 +11 and always been besties!!
Very close.

Not the only dc I have but biggest gap.
No regrets at all.

Pretty much same boat as you, OP, and hopeful about a second one soon. Being a good parent is not defined by age. I lost my mum relatively early, but she grounded me, she gives me fire in my belly on a tough day and she has instilled so much in me. So in terms of average life expectancy, she would have been an older mum factoring in the time we had together. I know older people’s health can bring its own issues, but a good parent is a good parent and I know many with significant extra needs through disability or mental health and who work through the challenges because it’s worth it. We do the best we can and we love them.

How old is your child?

I wouldn't do it at your age but I accept I may be biased having been brought up by 'old' parents (adopted).

How would your existing child feel about it? I have friends who were the youngest of six by six years and youngest of four by six years - they were fine, much loved (eventually) by older siblings and of course by parents. It's not always like that though.

Go for it. Age gaps are not a problem.

To thrown a totally different angel on it my dad passed at 53 due to some bad life choices (far to much alcohol etc). I was 24 and he was much less fit than most dads were when I was younger due to his lifestyle choices. My hubby is 46 and I am 39 we have 3 kids (eldest nearly 8 and youngest 3 months) and I have loads of energy. We are always on the go I take my kids to toddlers groups, activities, classes, after school activities etc. We take long walks, I am pretty fit (cycled 6.5 miles today plus worked and had very little sleep with the baby). We both work and don’t rely or ask for any help from anyone. Downside is that my health may fail before I can help much with grandkids but that’s not a major factor to me as my dad never met any of his grandkids and had kids younger. You need to ask the question do you want to raise another child not have another baby?

12 Yr age gap between my 1st and 2nd.

20 yrs between me and my sibling.. I loved having a younger sibling. Still do

I had a 2nd baby at 43 years old with a 9 year gap. Best thing I ever did!

Probably no one will I agree with me but I think 50 is a bit old to have a 6/7 year old.

In my family there are 4 siblings very close together then a 15-year age gap. My baby sister had 4 live-in babysitters when she was born, and I could see how much easier it was for my parents having her in their late 40s with fewer financial worries and more established careers than I remember it being for them having the rest of us in their 20s (obviously having just 1 not 4 probably made things a lot easier too).

My baby sister was always ridiculously well-behaved too, a lot of which is probably her personality but I suspect small children want to copy older siblings a lot more than their parents, so it helps if the siblings are old enough to be reasoned with to some extent

I had DD when I was 43, 7.5 year gap. Go g DH or it

I honestly don’t think 61 and 18 is that bad.

It may just be that in my social circle, most people had their kids in their mid-to-late thirties and early forties, but that really seems quite normal to me.

I had my first at 40 and my second at 42 - so yes, I was 58 when my first turned 18 and will be 60 when my second does.

But it doesn’t really bother me - I’m still in great health (as is my dh).

Most people these days live until at least 80 - both my parents did - so my dc will probably have me until they’re at least 40, and very possibly longer.

My own parents were in good health well into their eighties.

Besides, having children younger is no guarantee that you’ll be around for them for a long time. I’ve seen enough friends and colleagues die of cancer or drop dead of undiagnosed heart conditions in their forties to know that.

Also: it was a great education for us in caring for babies (albeit giving me totally unrealistic expectations of how much harder it is when you don’t have several doting teenagers in the house helping out 🙄)

I think 43 is too old to have another child

grandmas do childcare well up into their 60's & beyond & in the old days (said in that kind of croaky voice) women went on having children until they couldn't & youngest child would be the same age as youngest grandchild. If you & your dh want one just check your health with doctor

I had my DC at 39 & 42 - so not the age gap but get the age issue. we are now 65 and 69 with 23 & 26 year olds. Neither had health problems although DC2 is dyslexic but very high IQ. We had 18th/21st/60th birthday in the same year!
As for the menopause and teenagers - I honestly didn't notice it..... Several other older mums I know report that they didn't seem to notice any symptoms either. We reckon our late pregnancies exhausted the hormones or maybe the teenage angst overwhelmed us!

61 and 18 is not an issue. Big age gap is not an issue. My mom was 59 when I turned 18. I have 16 year age gap between me and the oldest and we at a super close. If mum had issues with her age and having me she hid it well.

Due to your age and having miscarriage last year. I'd talk with gynechologist just to make sure that everything is ok to get pregnant.

I would say the only downside is heartache on your part if you go for it and it doesn’t work out - but if you realise it’s what you really want, then not trying won’t spare you the heartache really!

People saying it’s not fair on a child to have older parents: we wouldn’t tell somebody with a lifespan-limiting condition that they should never have children (I wouldn’t at least) so what’s the difference? A couple of generations ago people expected to live to seventy if they were very lucky; nowadays many are active well into their 80s. So your child would get just as long with you. My maternal grandfather was nearly 40 when my mum was born and is still going over six decades later; my other grandfather was not much more than 20 when he started his family and died from lung cancer around the age of 70. So 🤷‍♀️

I struggled to have a second at 40. Several gos at IUI and a couple of stressed unhappy years. The best advice any doctor gave me was to remember that the need for a child is only a biological urge, albeit a strong one.

Am now a perfectly happy mum of one 20 year old.

I had my second at 43, but with a smaller gap. In my experience of friends’ dc, bigger gaps of seven or eight years seem more harmonious than the common two and a half.

"You'll only regret not trying!"

Not necessarily true. I think hormones play a part in the broodiness - Mother Nature pushing you to have another baby before it's too late. I had my last at 38. At the time 2 of my friends were very broody but made the decision not to have anymore. Neither regret their decision not to try. One cringes at the thoughts now.

I’m 24, and she’s nearly 67. I often get guilt-ridden by her, telling me that she is “going to die soon”, and I don’t see her enough. I’m sure you’re lovely, and wouldn’t project the same guilt onto your child. But it’s something to think about, as your age will no doubt be playing on their mind.

Sorry you have to go through that, Tinsel.

I'm 64 and my son is 28. I wouldn't dream of putting him through that kind of emotional blackmail. I certainly don't think "I'm going to die soon" but live in the reality that anything could happen any day and therefore to make the most of my life - every day!