What is your honest view about only children??

[Charley1988]

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

Agree with ^^. So many siblings fall out over caring for elderly parents, of course there are some families where the siblings all share equally and have sensible discussions about how to care for elderly parents but in real life it is rarely that simple. I have siblings but they live a long way from our parents, one already is involved heavily in caring for an IL, another lives in an isolated bubble ... I have no doubt that it will be mostly me caring for my parents when the time comes.

I honestly don’t know many only children but those I do know wish they had siblings. I find my friends who are only children DO fulfill some of the stereotypes about only children in terms of sometimes coming across a bit spoilt/less able to deal with not getting their own way, but that could be their personality and just a coincidence. I will say that I feel desperately sad for one of my friends who is an only child and has lost a parent - she’s struggling hideously with it to the point where it’s ruining her life and she can’t move on/cope at all. I find that other friends of mine who have siblings are able to deal much more healthily with the loss of a parent as they have each other to support each other and work through it together. I personally deliberately had a second child purely so my DC wouldn’t be an only child as I would feel really sad for them if they were, but that’s just my opinion.

You just can't guarantee that two siblings are going to have a good relationship.
I'm not having another for multiple reasons. DD gets a much better version of me and her dad that she would if there was another one on the scene.

I think there's a slightly raised risk that an only child will grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe. But that can be managed.

I would have hated being an only child, my brother and I were very good friends throughout childhood and continue to be so. But that's my personal experience, other people might have loved being an only - to some extent it depends on character.

DS is an only child, mainly because of health issues I had in pregnancy. It would be possible for us to have another, but neither DH or I want to go there.

I wonder how much of this is because of our relationships with our own siblings- DH is NC with his, I am LC with mine. I can’t remember ever liking my sibling, and whilst I love them, I am conscious that DS isn’t guaranteed a ‘close sibling relationship’ if we had another. Siblings can and do make each other miserable well into adulthood.

FWIW, DS is very kind to others, social, and shares well. I think this is mostly his nature, and DH and I have tried very hard to encourage it. We also realise that part of having an only child is probably being open to having friends over more often, taking friends on holidays, etc so that he doesn’t ‘miss out’.

... I don’t think he’s missing out, to be honest.

I'm an only. I walk around wearing a sign and wearing a bell so that people can feel sorry for me being so lonely

In all honesty however, I have found that the majority of people who have very strong opinions on only children are people who aren't and therefore have no idea other than misguided preconceptions. I have no idea how different my childhood was to say, that of my cousin who has 4 older siblings. I have no idea because it wasn't my living environment and can't imagine it as she can't imagine mine. In fact, she was a much worse loser at games etc than I was because she was the 'baby' of the family and with a busy household it was often easier to give into her rather than my DM who had the time to teach me to lose and manage my expectations appropriately.

I had a happy loving childhood which is all that matters regardless of siblings and as an adult, fortunately, I'm not judged on the number of siblings I have! My DH has a DB who he rarely has contact with and makes polite conversation when he does see him. They are no more than acquaintances. Siblings don't guarantee lifelong best friends'. For those that have that then wholeheartedly that is fantastic and what a wonderful support network, however as a fully functioning and socially capable adult I too am able to have a wonderful support network because I'm not generally a twat which is far more behavioural and personality based than just being an only.

Highly strung and often mollycoddled.

I think that people with siblings tend to have an underdeveloped inner life, and even as adults are weirdly obsessed with being around other people. It's obviously not normal and I feel so dreadfully sorry for the poor things.

Oh, sorry, was that a shitty thing to say?

My Mum was effectively an only child (she had one sibling who died before she was born) and she hated it and had 4DC because she didn't want us to experience what she had. She was lonely a lot as a small child (said she would write her thankyou letters on Christmas Day), felt like a disappointment to her parents because she wasn't a boy (their grief for her older sibling probably played a part in that but she didn't know that as a child), went to boarding school very young which in some ways was good because her friendships were very close, but found it very difficult as an adult having no-one to share caring for her parents when they got frail. The PP saying about being an extreme people pleaser feels true for me, e.g. Mum is very assiduous about maintaining friendships from years and years ago. That might be generational of course.

@mindproject @Alittleodd

Time and again when reading these threads, it's clear that a lot of people who post are incapable of recognising that their life experiences don't automatically translate to everyone else. That, and the fact that a lot of judgemental comments (not just on this topic, but generally) seem to stem from those people projecting their own life choices onto others in an effort to justify them... bit sad all round really

On the basis of this thread one might assume that onklies and the parents of online are a rather chippy. Bunch.

My personal view (and onion doesn't equal judgement) is that I do feel it's a shame that they miss out on the general hubbub of family life and learning to bend, compromise and get on with others.

Someone above posted the same, no amount of cousins can make up for the mornings, evenings and weekends of houses full of children and parents talking about their days, having a laugh. Help out etc imo

@AlexaAmbidextra - that wasn't what I meant. What I mean is in the evening, on the holidays, u less activities are organised. She used to be able to go to a park and always find someone to play with- now (7) kids are quite as open to playing with kids they don't know. The school day obviously has kids/friends involved, but evenings and all weekend unless activities or clubs are organised, is child and adult only. That's what I meant. I'm talking about this from the perspective of having an only child who does get bloody lonely at times, and other times is quite happy.

My DS is an only child (he's 5). Guess what, he isn't spoiled/lonely/unsociable!

He is a very happy, normal little boy who loves school, has plenty of friends, goes to parties without a problem, goes to drama group without a problem. He also enjoys having time at home with me and DH where he can just chill in our calm home.

He is no different to other children and I suspect neither are other only children.

To be honest, anyone else's opinion won't make a difference - having an only isn't a choice for everyone!

So far from this thread I have learned that my DD is:

Lonely
Bratty
Spoiled
Socially maladjusted
Missing out on proper family life
Unable to bend, compromise or get on with others
An extreme people pleaser
Under pressure from being the sole focus of all our hopes and dreams
Self-obsessed
Highly strung
Mollycoddled

But hey, it’s just opinions, right? Why are all you parents of onlies so chippy?

Hmmmm I simply cannot imagine why some onlies/children of onlies may be coming off as a little defensive.

I love being called mollycoddled, unable to compromise, selfish, spoilt, highly strung, PITA (which is inevitable apparently), entitled, weird and a brat. And I feel that all of these terms are completely appropriate descriptionsfor both my husband and child.

It's a really pleasant feeling to be informed (yes, informed) that my childhood was lonely and boring by people who weren't there.

I'm not sure I can ever remember being bored, we sad, lonely weirdos make our own entertainment you see (maybe making model siblings out of sticks and mud so we can sob to ourselves and desperately try to imagine what it might be like to have someone of a similar generation to spend any time with at all rather than being locked alone in our tragic childless hellscapes).

Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you’ll get on. I used to fight with my brother all the time growing up. We get on well now but I hardly see him and we have nothing in common even though there’s only two years between us. We really are chalk and cheese! I can be pretty selfish too, which is normally said of ‘onlies’. My DS is an only and we are happy with that, we adore him and I’ll be a much happier mum just raising the one child. If I had more I think I’d become the shouty & stressy mum! He’s got a wonderful family around him, a cousin the same age and he’s set to inherit a fantastic business from his Ddad (if that’s the path he chooses anyway!) he’s very happy and confident, I hope he stays that way

bookworm, I know! What's our problem? If we point out that children with siblings (I come from a large family myself) can feel overlooked, sometimes starved of attention, that they will always in some way be disappointing to their parents compared to their siblings, that they never get any peace, that they always have to compromise their wants and needs, that if they are the older one they have to "take care" of the younger ones, that their life is a series of arguments, that "it's not fair!"...I can't imagine parents of children with siblings having a problem! They would simply nod and agree how right we are, and how wise our observations are, and how selfish they were to have more than one child.

But we're too chippy to do that; shame on us.

Ah curses @bookworm14 cross posted. Sorry both of us had to trawl back to find out what horrendous futures our children have in store.

And in my experience when siblings are caring for elderly parents it tends to fall on to just one of them and resentment grows.

@Dieu - I know plenty of people with siblings like that!

Tractor

Couldn't agree more

DH abs I have 6 siblings between us and they have shown their true colours when the chips are down

I used to worry about dc being an only but not any longer.

@bookworm14 but the problem is as an only child I do tick quite a few boxes and I am sure there are only children that feel the same. The benefits are it has made me

• feel save in my families affection
• I had a lot of quality time growing up
• it has made me more creative
• I am happy in my own company and don't need entertainment
• I grew up in a calm house which helped as I am rather highly strung especially when it comes to noise and more lively activity going on
• I felt completely secure and safe at home knowing I can leave any arguments or bullying behind me
• it offered me opportunities I would not have had if I had siblings that I still benefit from

At the end it vastly depends on what you priorities as a parent and no only child experience will be identical

I have one child so clicked but finding this a pointless thread. The conclusions are that it can be great or not great, and it can be great if not great having siblings 🤷🏼‍♀️

@awarmglow I think that is pretty much it. Like anything in life it can have good sides and bad sides and vary from family to family

I think they are no different and actually rather lucky. Sensible parents.