To feel irritated by this Facebook post?

[MagicKingdomDizzy]

I know, people can post what they want and I can just scroll past. But this has really annoyed me today.

I think it's safe to say people are very aware of the benefits of breast feeding, but sometimes it just isn't possible to do.

In my case, my daughter was born with a cleft lip and palate and I physically couldn't feed her. Then I read crap like this and it just reminds me of my failure to do something I really wanted to.

So, I guess my AIBU is does this kind of virtue signalling rubbish posted on Facebook actually have any benefit, or is it just there to make the poster feel good and people like me feel bad?

Couldn't give a shiny one if she judges me or not TBH

She's pleasant enough I just find it quite odd.

This looks like something a friend of mine would share. (Which is also why we aren’t friends on Facebook) She is breastfeeding a six year old and a three year old and she wants everyone to know about it.

Not denying the benefits of breast feeding but I really don’t like things like the ad. All it does is make women who can’t feed feel like shit.

The meme in the OP is insensitive and presents overblown "facts" with no sources.

However - breastfeeding is best. Of course it is. Anyone who says it isn't is deluding themselves. Doesn't mean the accompanying guilt is justified however.

IMO we need to look at these things in context. We ALL make decisions time that put our children's safety at risk, for one reason or another.

e.g. not putting children in cars bacause of the risk of car accidents is "best". But, it's majorly inconvenient to live without cars, so most of us do.

Living in the countryside is "best" (34% of DC at my friend's DC's inner city school have asthma), but many (most?) of us chose to live in polluted cities & towns as that's where the work is / our families are.

Breast feeding is best, of course it is. But many women for one reason and another (often woeful lack of support) formula feed.

We need to own our decisions. e.g. I BF my children longer than most on this thread. But I choose to live in a place with high pollution. That's my decision, for better or worse.

Why don't people make me feel guilty about exposing my DC to pollution? Probably because it's not a gendered decision and society loves to make mothers feel guilty.

If people make you feel guilty about FF, tell them to fuck off. You're doing the best for your family I have no doubt.

But, you don't need to pretend FF is the same as BFing, just as you don't pretend living in the countryside is the same as a city.

We simply can't always choose the "best" for our DC - there are too many competing pressures, life's just not like that.

allthenames

I don’t think anyone has said FF is the same as BF. The discussion has been the extent to which BF is better, which on an individual level is less well evidenced than some people seem to believe.

@GunpowderGelatine "it means you think FF parents are lazy and do the bare minimum"

Please don't put words into my mouth or twist what I am saying.

Feeding a baby is the bare minimum for them to survive so fed is not best. It's the bare minimum.

Lazy?
Roll over and flop out a boob, feed baby
Or
Get up, boil kettle, leave kettle to cool, make up formula, cool bottle under running tap, feed baby.
Or
Get up, open bottle, pour into baby bottle, feed baby.

Which of those processes sounds lazier?

spacedinosaur

There’s a context to gunpowder comment to you. That poster had said fed isn’t best it’s the bare minimum above, and another poster was offended because they took it to mean formula feeding is the bare minimum.

I’m sure neither you nor gunpowder intended it that way but I’ve set out in the post on page 13 why it also read that way to me.

(Not the lazy part, the bare minimum part)

@SpaceDinosaur I agree but another poster has taken offence at the term, and has taken it to mean this. I 100% agree with you.

I don’t think anyone has said FF is the same as BF

Every single person on this thread (and there are lots of them) saying "fed is best" is denying that BF is best. Yet, BF is best.

But my point is, we need to put that in context. It's not reasonable to expect any parent to always choose the "best" option. But, I suspect, because BFing is an inherently female thing we aren't half made to feel guilty if we don't chose to BF. Whereas, we're not made to feel nearly so guilty about, for example, choosing to live in polluted cities - a choice that may also impact the health of DCs.

@Quaffy - there is no "right way" to say it. It's the word "best" being used to describe a fundamental human right. It's like saying "allowing them to breath is best". It's the message that not starving your child is worthy of praise, that many of us have issue with.

BFing is far easier than FFing. I know because I BF and I'm inherently lazy.

I also know BFing was the best choice for MY DC, for a multitude of reasons, not just down to the 'breast is best' mantra and research.

Does that mean I judge FFing mothers? No. No it doesn't.

That meme is a load of shit, OP. You know it is, so forget about it and just be the best parent you can be to your DC.

I actually associate "fed is best" more with FF being the best option because many people believe myths about breastfeeding not "filling" babies therefore BF is starving them and therefore fed another way is best. When I say associate I mean I think this is many other people's interpretation of "fed is best"

Which of those processes sounds lazier?

Yup. Once we ‘got’ it, bf’ing is much easier than bottles with the huge downside that no one else can do it so you’re committed as long as you chose to carry on.

The glossy hair (dd was practically bald till 3!) and weight loss (not by the look of my fat arse) are complete bullshit in our case.

It doesn’t matter what you do, if you’re the type of person to take others comments to heart then you will end up feeling like shit. Bf‘ing past six months, longer in my case, meant enduring the ‘bitty’ comments, the eww ‘look’ and every other conversation opening with ‘are you still feeding?’ It hurts but apparently people think it has something to do with them for some reason.

Can I ask why people have a problem with people talking about BF their toddlers??

@Cornettoninja I completely agree that if, like me, you're lazy then BF is definitely the best option! I felt bad for my FF friends schlepping down to the kitchen on a night time when I didn't even get out of bed, FF is definitely not lazy!

I actually associate "fed is best" more with FF being the best option because many people believe myths about breastfeeding not "filling" babies therefore BF is starving them and therefore fed another way is best. When I say associate I mean I think this is many other people's interpretation of "fed is best

Fair enough. I have always understood fed is best (albeit not a phrase I like or use myself) to be by way of comfort to mothers who want to BF but struggle and are bombarded with the breast is best message - as in don’t worry about formula feeding then, as long as they’re being fed you don’t need to think you haven’t done what’s best for them. I always thought it had a meaning of it doesn’t matter if you breastfeed or formula feed as long as they’re fed.

It’s in that context which I interpreted your comment.

I agree fed is best would make no sense when weaning because if they’re given crisps 24/7 that would be fed but clearly not best! Whereas given with a baby they’re FF or BF, and “breast is best”, that would have left FF as the only other option to be the bare minimum, but I totally accept you have a different understanding of the Fed is best phrase and didn’t mean it like that.

I've breastfed two toddlers and that info is clearly bullshit.

allthenames

I understand what you’re saying but I think BF or FF is significantly more emotive than living in the country or city, and those living in cities aren’t bombarded with the “country is best” message, and every time they visit the baby clinic have to look at posters ramming home all the ways they apparently aren’t giving their baby the best start in life.

Plus it seems very clear given the evidence that the NHS overstates the benefits of breastfeeding to individual children, which isn’t to state the benefits don’t exist, but it really doesn’t help anyone.

Don't feel bad! I bottled fed both my children and I was bottle fed. We are all healthy and strong. It's always been normal to bottle and breast feed. I never understand the constant need to tell other people how you feed etc. We all love our babies and it really is nobody else's business to tell you what you should be doing. The worst thing is a midwife never talks to you about formula feeding in pregnancy. Mine just pressured me to breast feed. There are many reasons why we choose a bottle.

I find the whole “I BF because it’s easier and I’m lazy“ really stupid, sorry. Like “I’m so cool”. It’s like the unmumsy gin drinking shit ffs. You really based your child’s dietary requirements on being lazy?! Nice!

Most people just do what they are used to. My mother BF me so it never occurred to me not to BF. And logically it seems bananas to feed your child anything but your own milk if possible - like I wouldn’t feed a puppy horse milk if it’s mother was there with a ready supply. Makes no sense! But if you were formula fed that’s what you were used to!

Breast is best, and people should be supported and encouraged to BF. To at least TRY, like OP did. And people likeOP should be supported and encouraged for their efforts and the emotional pain of trying and not being successful. Well done OP.

@crispysausagerolls I think it's in response to a lot of people assuming BF is hard work and FF is lazy, which IME is not the case

You really based your child’s dietary requirements on being lazy?! Nice

Yep it is nice when that happens to be such a good option as well as being lazy.

Or do you expect people to make life difficult for themselves?!

crispy why do you care so much though? Like really, what’s it to you how people choose to feed their babies, and their reasons for doing so?

Also the perfect prep and microwavable bottle sterilisers have made life significantly easier for FF mums like me. I didn’t find FF to be a faff at all. I enjoyed it.

I don’t “care” in my day to day life/lie awake thinking about it, but this is a thread re breastfeeding and it has made me think about it. What’s the issue with that?

gunpowder

I see your point - sorry: read it differently as that being the only reason and it seemed a little 🙄

People "should" do whatever they like WRT feeding their babies.

However if they choose to FF I think they need to accept and own that they're choosing an inferior substance - because like it or not breastmilk for humans is a more suitable substance to formula, which is cow's milk.

That's NOT to say that the actual experience of breastfeeding is a better one than if you FF - especially if a mother is ill supported, exhausted, her mental health suffers, baby is suffering for whatever reason as a result etc.

Ergo, whilst breastmilk is more suitable for humans than cows milk, breastfeeding is not always "best"