(False) Rumour I slept with colleague (shaking with anxiety)

[perez1]

AIBU to ask what to do. Last night after a work event, I went out for drinks with (all male) colleagues. These guys can drink me under the table so I'm always very conscious not to overdo it. At one point in the evening, a colleague who was pretty much drunk started to ask if we had the heard the rumour. But the way he looked away from me and cut himself off made me very suspicious. So I pressed him and it turns out there is a rumour going around that I slept with a colleague. I almost threw up. This is my first grad job and I am distraught. I have been suffering from anxiety (adjusting to new job/city) and this has just about sent me over the edge. I was just starting to get more comfortable.

I know where the rumour originates from and I could kick myself for not being more careful (innocent explanation involving phone chargers). I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

It doesn't help a few senior colleagues were present when this was discussed.

Just ignore it. The more you protest, make a fuss etc the more it will be brought to attention.

It might be worth having a chat with HR privately, this could be construed as bullying in the workplace.

Ignore and refrain from drinking sessions for a while. If it persists speak to your manager and HR.

Next time it's mentioned say if you did you don't remember it so either it wasn't very good or you were not there. Let them talk you have nothing to hide.

Act like a grown up and ignore rumours.

I know I should ignore it but I just can't.

I only had 2.5 glasses of red as I needed to navigate the tube and wet pavements in heels.

How awful. You need to stop drinking with these people though. I have been in this situation. Someone who talks to others openly about a rumour about you, even while drunk, is not your friend.

I certain if I wasn't dealing with underlying anxiety this rumour would be a lot easier to ignore

Ignore it. They will move on to something else shortly.

Not a lot you can do really. Once gossip and rumours start unless they're totally ridiculous you're on a losing battle fighting them. Ignore it and they`'ll find something else to gossip about (or someone). If someone actually asks then you can just tell them it's rubbish but people like to believe what they want to irrespective of whether or not it's true.

Ignore it.

Or say ffs wth not with a bargepole.

Honestly people at work live a bit of gossip most of it is bollocks and everyone knows that

I dont think there is anything that you can do, I'm sorry. I have been in your position a few times. Unfortunately in some offices, including mine, sitting next to someone, getting on with someone, being on a project with someone or sharing a lift with someone (in line with company policy) can cause rumours about affairs etc. And I am not flirty or touchy feely etc. At all. You can deny it but that's generally what people having flings or affairs do, so it wont get you anywhere. Just ride it out and remember you wont be the only one they're talking about, and they will find something new to gossip over soon

I would really ignore it

There was a rumour once that I tried to seduce one of our grads by luring him to the stationery cupboard

I find it quite amusing now, especially as it turns out he’s gay and not in to doing it on top of the staplers

Graduate jobs are awful for this type of carry on. I’d develop a stock answer - something like “it didn’t happen, please stop circulating this rumour as it’s unfair to spread lies about me” should do it. Repeat as often as necessary. And still go out for a drink if you want to, but have one or two and then leave.

This happened to me early in my career, and in a team that had been together a while, and after I had just been promoted. Obviously this could only have been because I had slept with the boss. 🤔 My instinct was to laugh it off but my boss found out and forensically uncovered who had started the rumour ( ironically a married man and the woman he was having an affair with) and forced them to apologise to me, I was still inclined to minimise it but he actually cried he was so humiliated. In retrospect I think if he had not heard the rumour I should have bought it to his attention. I think you should raise it with your boss as this sort of gossip undermines team morale and creates divisions. Sadly there are always going to be rumours at work but once you have heard it you need to out it with those who have responsibility for leading your team. The outcome of that was that in place of jealousy and snide ness there was more openness and a lot more respect for each other between the team members. I actually ended up being the boss myself and they stayed on my team and worked well together.

The irony was that the boss was having an affair with another team member (neither was married) and they are still together thirty years on!

As a new entrant to the team do look up the forming morning and storming model of group development as it is really useful for thinking these situations through en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuckman%27s_stages_of_group_development

I just have this urge to explain to everyone why I was seen leaving his hotel room in my dress from the night before but know this will only make me look guilty.

Ignore it. I once had a rumour going around that I was sleeping with my boss started because I was giving him a lift into work.

He had a shattered ankle (held together with surgical screws) from a motorbike accident and could barely walk, but apparently that meant he could shag the office junior

They’ll move onto the next thing soon enough.

Ignore completely. If you asked my colleagues at the first school I worked in, they would all tell you I’d slept with another NQT. I didn’t, we were genuinely just friends, still are, but nothing would convince them otherwise. We just rolled our eyes when people commented and carried on ignoring it for the next six years, until I moved jobs.

Bless you OP. I can't express how little this matters really, it will pass. Are you in London? Grad schemes are IMO not a representation of legitimate working life, people are still in that university mentality. Offices are fairly gossipy places and people tend to get romantically involved a lot, especially if you are in a bigger company with a younger grad scheme drinking culture choc full of kids from nice backgrounds revelling in being 'young professionals' (big four companies etc).

This doesn't mean you have to join in, to be honest I'd skip the drinking and focus on my career, inform whoever told me that that was false and I'll complain to HR if it is circulated again; and get on with it. They don't sound like your friends and it's not viewed very positively anyway, any of it. Enjoy the fact you have an opportunity to learn your job role without the level responsibility expected of you when you've passed, don't use that freedom to get pissed.

It will get harder is the thing and that culture dies off as you progress, if it's finance you'll be in the office working so much you won't even have time for this so now's the time to get your anxiety under control really- speak to your mentors, see your GP, protect your mental health if the warning signs are there and don't be drawn into puerile sexist nonsense like this.

Sorry they've made you feel bad OP, they're pathetic sexist dicks and unprofessional, you don't need to cater to them. The anxiety seems underlying though and needs dealing with perhaps?

Grin cheerfully and say “no true I’m afraid. I’m nowhere near that interesting. I did borrow his phone charger once though. Sadly I’m more likely to regale you with stories of my stamp collection than my wild sex life. But people under estimate just how cool and fun us stamp collectors are.”

And then smile a bit geekily.

could you ask the colleague you are supposed to have slept with to quash the rumour? If not honestly just ignore . The more you protest the worse it will get . it will be old news soon .

"I just have this urge to explain to everyone why I was seen leaving his hotel room in my dress from the night before but know this will only make me look guilty."

def don't do that. Just ignore it. They will be on to something else next.

However, do be careful about professional and personal boundaries and how you want to be seen.

when I was about 25, there was a rumour I'd slept with someone - he was on the same hierarchy level so it didn't matter, but we did the opposite and just winked slyly at each other and people who talked about it!! The gossip mongers moved on to another topic anyway.

The anxiety seems underlying though and needs dealing with perhaps?

I've been meaning to see my GP for months - possibly a year. I will be making an appointment asap, this level of anxiety is horrendous.

Ignore it. Specific denials will only increase the suspicion and increase the amount of people talking about it (even if it's just talking about your denial).

Be professional. And do your best to ignore it.

or contact hr if you feel like certain lines have been crossed.

I am sorry, perez. Things like this happen in the work place & other places). I endured same when I was at work (years ago, am nearly 70 now).

My son was also upset by an accusation at work and I gave him full back up (iit wasn't anything sexual`l).

I honestly don't know what you should do, Perez, apart from leaving job and giving a wide berth - not always possible.

Perhaps other people have been similarly sexually compromised but didn't have confidence to speak out. That is worth more than an average, in writing, complaint.

Entirely up to you what you decide but, on here, you will have plenty of encouragement for grassing up the perpetrator, quite right toot! Not easy unfortunately.

I wish you all the very best , please come back and tell us what happens, not for a 'prurient' reason but because like to hear a woman taking charge and not succumbing to a male scumbag.

(I know not all men are scumbags, an awful lot are lovely; my husband was as was dad an father in law.

Ignore last bit if you want, I just wanted to affirm that I don't think all blokes are same.)