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Original poster

(False) Rumour I slept with colleague (shaking with anxiety)

106 replies

perez1 · 12/10/2019 15:20

AIBU to ask what to do. Last night after a work event, I went out for drinks with (all male) colleagues. These guys can drink me under the table so I'm always very conscious not to overdo it. At one point in the evening, a colleague who was pretty much drunk started to ask if we had the heard the rumour. But the way he looked away from me and cut himself off made me very suspicious. So I pressed him and it turns out there is a rumour going around that I slept with a colleague. I almost threw up. This is my first grad job and I am distraught. I have been suffering from anxiety (adjusting to new job/city) and this has just about sent me over the edge. I was just starting to get more comfortable.

I know where the rumour originates from and I could kick myself for not being more careful (innocent explanation involving phone chargers). I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/10/2019 15:49

Next week's chip paper, OP.

Don't fret, don't give it power over you, let it wash over you.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/10/2019 15:51

Don't react to it, don't feel you have to justify yourself and don't get dragged into it. And probably avoid drinking sessions with these people if you can.

If the colleague married?

If not, even if you had slept with him it wouldn't necessarily be a disaster as long as it didn't lead to accusations of favouritism or workplace drama. The reality is that workplace shenanigans do take place. People have short memories and as long as there is no drama it tends to blow over fairly quickly.

category12 · 12/10/2019 15:51

Why on earth would she need to change jobs?! That's ridiculous.

AutumnRose1 · 12/10/2019 15:51

OP "I've been meaning to see my GP for months - possibly a year. I will be making an appointment asap, this level of anxiety is horrendous."

I delayed seeing my GP for all kinds of reasons. Within 2 weeks of taking meds, I was much more "me". I hope the same happens to you
Flowers

lynzpynz · 12/10/2019 15:52

(laugh) 'sorry that's hilarious, not even going to dignify that with a response who the hell starts these things?!'

  • try this.

I was the socially anxious, nervous, people pleaser. I've learned the hard way, you need to nip this shit in the bud even though you feel sick doing it. You are a professional and you are more than worthy of respect - not to be the subject of daft office gossip. Your colleague(s) sound like a twat sniggering away like school kids Confused

Original poster
perez1 · 12/10/2019 15:52

Ironically last night I just wanted to go back to my flat and relax with my boyfriend but I always feel pressure to "network" (very much encouraged in our company). I just cringe when I think back to every time I mentioned my bf last night.

OP posts:
ThatMuppetShow · 12/10/2019 15:53

I just have this urge to explain to everyone why I was seen leaving his hotel room in my dress from the night before

Hmm

use it as a lesson, and ignore and shrug the rumour off.
Next time behave more appropriately.

Let's be honest, if you had slept with a colleague... so what? You are both adults, who the hell really cares. You haven't, just move on.

WagtailRobin · 12/10/2019 15:55

You're "allowing" your anxiety to catastrophise this. Yes, it is an unpleasant rumour but that's what unpleasant people do especially when alcohol is thrown into the mix.

Firstly, do not socialise in future with work colleagues, it really isn't worth the headache. Secondly, it isn't a nice thing to have said about you but that's all it is, words, you know the truth. Thirdly, don't let your anxiety dictate your reactions/thoughts, look at this logically, so what if people THINK you slept with this person, where's the actual harm? No harm will come to you if people THINK you slept with someone.

It isn't as bad as you think it is, I promise you it isn't. Whoever started the rumour is a prick, likewise anyone who is helping to carry it is also a prick but they can't damage you in any way unless you let it consume your thoughts etc.

Go back to work Monday (whichever day) hold your head up high and get on with what you're meant to be doing work wise, your work colleagues do not matter.

Let it go, you will feel better for it.

Duchessgummybuns · 12/10/2019 15:57

Ignore. They’ll be looking for a reaction but don’t give them one.

I had this, but I had slept with a colleague (he later dated someone else in the office and she found out about it and told everyone) I just ignored it and they all soon got bored.

Original poster
perez1 · 12/10/2019 15:58

"Next time behave more appropriately"

I wasn't inappropriate just naive! I had slept in my dress from the night before and went to my colleague's room to give him a charger with the right adapter.

I have a mentor but would never feel comfortable enough to talk to him about this.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 12/10/2019 15:58

Ignore it.
It is a pretty common rumour, echoing pp's cut back on the socialising.
Men can be pigs. I worked for a large male dominated industry, the men would place bets on who they'd shag from the account's department at the Christmas party.
Thankfully I worked in the service department and knew exactly what pigs they were.

Butchyrestingface · 12/10/2019 16:00

I just have this urge to explain to everyone why I was seen leaving his hotel room in my dress from the night before but know this will only make me look guilty.

Squelch that urge.

NotStayingIn · 12/10/2019 16:00

I do feel for you. It’s horrible when you know something isn’t true and you just want to explain, but the more you explain the more it will appear true.

You need to create the mindset that this rumour is so silly, you already can’t remember it. Fake it till you make it.

OldWomanSaysThis · 12/10/2019 16:01

Oh, this happened to me too but it was with the married executive over our department. Totally not true. I never even spoke to the man. I regret not going to HR about it.

There was another rumor going around between two co-workers - equals - and they both went to HR about it because they were both married to other people and there was nothing going on between the two of them. They got out in front of it.

That's what I should have done. I never got out from under my rumor with the executive and I ultimately had to leave. The rest of the department ostracized me, mocked me, made fun of me. I should have nipped in the bud the first time I realized what was going on. Huge regrets. This was at a big bank where all non-platonic relationships needed to be disclosed by policy.

SimonJT · 12/10/2019 16:03

@ShirleyPhallus Are you Jess from 3rd floor admin?!

willowmelangell · 12/10/2019 16:06

I feel for you. I can only advise to not bring the gossip up in conversation. It is in the front of your mind but it is not what other people are thinking about for 8 hours in the workplace.
If someone does bring it up, just say, "Oh I heard that too, what a load of silly rubbish."
You are clearly making sure you are careful of your drinking and being aware of your surroundings. You have nothing to explain or apologize for. Keep your dignified silence. This will pass.
Congratulations on the new job and the move, you are braver than me! x x

ThatMuppetShow · 12/10/2019 16:06

I had slept in my dress from the night before

seriously, just stop.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 12/10/2019 16:07

Do you normally sleep in your day clothes? Did it not occur to you how it would look? Actually given you have a boyfriend I would try to quash this rumour by saying very firmly that is not what happened.

You need to stop drinking with these people for a while. 2.5 glasses of red is white a lot if you are suffering with anxiety. Alcohol makes anxiety much much worse. And sleeping in your day clothes suggests that maybe alcohol played a part in that too perhaps. Cut down on the drinking and the socialising. Your anxiety will improve and your job will not suffer for it.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/10/2019 16:08

If in doubt do nothing OP...do not explain..clarify or justify.Ignore totally.Hold your head up and believe in yourself.Carry on as usual.You will be old news by wednesday by the latest when sandra from accounts has cocked up again or similar...gossip rarely lasts before they get fed up and move on.

Tablefor4 · 12/10/2019 16:08

I would raise with HR to ask how you are meant to deal with true rumours which are distressing you. If they are switched on they will recognise that this could be (emphasising could) be the beginning of a sexual harassment and/or discrimination matter. If you are FCA or otherwise regulated this is even more an issue and they should be wise to it.

There is no need to mention your anxiety. Not because it is shameful but because it is irrelevant. These rumours are worrying and annoying you - that is (legally) enough. That said, do go and see your GP as a lot of people find medication helpful and gets them back on track.

With your colleagues - there are some great responses above: laugh it off "never with a barge poll"/ big eye roll and generally dismiss it for the stupidity it is.

Chin up!

CravingCheese · 12/10/2019 16:09

Go to HR or ignore it.
No explanation of any kind will make this seem like less of a work affair imo.

Original poster
perez1 · 12/10/2019 16:13

Do you normally sleep in your day clothes?

Not at all but my hotel room was freezing and the warmest thing I had to wear was my knit dress (which I wore to a prearranged social event). I was only allowed a carry on so had hardly anu options! I was not passed out drunk.

OP posts:
Advicewel · 12/10/2019 16:13

Laugh it off, think of it as gossips with 2 much time on their hands

PegasusReturns · 12/10/2019 16:14

The only thing you need to say is as per @Mascarponeandwine "it didn’t happen, please stop circulating this rumour as it’s unfair to spread lies about me".

It's inappropriate and potentially damaging to both you and the other.

And in future don't go to peoples rooms to collect phone chargers Hmm

RubbingHimSourly · 12/10/2019 16:15

Practise rolling your eyes and muttering for goodness sake as your stock response to future nonsense.