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AIBU?

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Original poster

(False) Rumour I slept with colleague (shaking with anxiety)

106 replies

perez1 · 12/10/2019 15:20

AIBU to ask what to do. Last night after a work event, I went out for drinks with (all male) colleagues. These guys can drink me under the table so I'm always very conscious not to overdo it. At one point in the evening, a colleague who was pretty much drunk started to ask if we had the heard the rumour. But the way he looked away from me and cut himself off made me very suspicious. So I pressed him and it turns out there is a rumour going around that I slept with a colleague. I almost threw up. This is my first grad job and I am distraught. I have been suffering from anxiety (adjusting to new job/city) and this has just about sent me over the edge. I was just starting to get more comfortable.

I know where the rumour originates from and I could kick myself for not being more careful (innocent explanation involving phone chargers). I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 12/10/2019 16:15

If it really bothers you then would your colleague tell the others you just Lent him a charger.

Hesafriendfromwork · 12/10/2019 16:16

The problem is, is that if you go to HR and saying people are lying and spreading rumours and you tell them that story. That you werent leaving his room, you slept in your clothes and then knocked on his door for a charger, HR aren't going to believe you.

I am sorry, but it's true. Not really sure what you want HR to do about it, if you cant prove who started it.

Do not discuss this story and explain, because people wont believe you.

At the end of the day, you knocked on his door. You werent seen leaving his room. You were seen stood at his door.

In all honesty, you need to speak with your boyfriend. Because if this rumour came back to me about dp, I would not believe his story about a charger.

This is a sitiation where you need to just ride it out with things like 'god do you believe every rumour you hear?'

Rachelover60 · 12/10/2019 16:16

Perez, please at least try to put it behind you and carry on as you would have done before. I agree with previous poster who says today's news is tomorrow's chip paper.

I do feel for you, I had rumours circulated about me when younger but they were so untrue, people did believe me but some didn't (I made no big thing about refuting rumours), and all was well in the end on one issue, not one other..

Please relax, take it easy as if you have confience i n your breakfast choice and other things. Sometimes easier said than done,I know! Worth it though.

This thread makes me (eternally) grateful that I have not indulged in social media.

Your colleagues are not very nice if gossiping about you.

Hope all works out and that truthfulness will abound; I guess people do know that in theory but some are inclined to go with gossip even if unfounded.

Don't worry about them, stick to your guns and move one. Please. Do look after yourself, Perez. i have no doubt you are telling the truth; when I was very young and naive I got into all sorts of difficulties (another story in future if wanted, not now).

Flowers Wine

TeachesOPeaches · 12/10/2019 16:17

Ignore.

Eye roll and laugh.

‘Name would be so lucky!’

Carry on rocking at your job.

JumpyLiz · 12/10/2019 16:19

I think I’d rather people thought I’d slept with a colleague than know I’d slept in my dress!

CravingCheese · 12/10/2019 16:22

The problem is, is that if you go to HR and saying people are lying and spreading rumours and you tell them that story. That you werent leaving his room, you slept in your clothes and then knocked on his door for a charger, HR aren't going to believe you.

Yeah, I agree. I take back my previous recommendation now that I know these additional details. 'I slept in my dress and went to his room to get a charger' unfortunately sounds really contrived.

Ignore it and learn from it, OP.

Batqueen · 12/10/2019 16:23

You did nothing wrong. Anyone who trys to make you feel otherwise should assess their own internalised misogyny.

I would clearly state with a bored tone. ‘no, that didn’t happen and if I find out you are spreading that around I will have no option but to report you to HR for workplace bullying. Now, can we move on?’

EmeraldShamrock · 12/10/2019 16:23

I wouldn't go to HR.
Let it pass, Remember HR are to protect the companies reputation not yours. It won't do you any favours.
See you GP if anxious otherwise forget this rumour.

Hesafriendfromwork · 12/10/2019 16:24

@CravingCheese in all honesty, I was on the same lines as you as well. But those details really change the story and what the OP should do.

So I get giving that advice. Just not going to work in this situation.

Lifecraft · 12/10/2019 16:24

If you just deny it, no one will believe you. If you deny it by admitting you've slept with everyone else apart from him, and name them, it'll sound so preposterous everyone will believe you haven't slept with anyone.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2019 16:25

So basically you were seen coming out of a colleagues room in the morning wearing the clothes from the night before?

It seems an odd explanation, that you slept in your dress, then actually had to go into his room to give him the charger, and not just hand it over at the door, or that you wouldn't change before you did it.

I think it's best to ignore it, laugh it off, but not explain yourself as the explanation looks odd.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2019 16:26

And don't go to hr, honestly that will just send the rumour mill into over drive and they will think you're a major drama llama,

Original poster
perez1 · 12/10/2019 16:30

My colleague's room was literally 5 or so doors down so I just went over after I got up. I still needed to shower etc and wanted to make sure he had enough time to get a decent charge. Obviously looking back it was a dumb thing to do.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 16:30

I agree with Bluntness

Also if you do end up going to HR anyway, don't claim the rumour is making your anxiety worse, whilst then admitting you haven't even seen your GP about it, despite meaning to for 'possibly a year'.

I don't think that would go down very well.

MustardScreams · 12/10/2019 16:32

Yikes just seen your update. No wonder the rumours are flying! Why didn’t you change before you got a charger?

TipToeToothFairy · 12/10/2019 16:33

I'd have put last night's knit dress on rather than go in my nightwear or put clean clothes on before showering. Raise it with your mentor, ignore it and go to gp about anxiety

MustardScreams · 12/10/2019 16:34

Really? You wouldn’t wear clean clothes for the 2 minutes it would take to go 5 doors down and give someone a charger? How filthy are you?!

CravingCheese · 12/10/2019 16:34

@Hesafriendfromwork

Exactly. And no, I'm not trying to blame the OP. And I'm fairly certain I'd say the same to a man that told me 'oh yes, I slept in my suit. I simply needed to bring her a charger. That's why I came back from my co-worker's room looking rumpled and wearing what I wore yesterday.'
It just sounds like a very specific and sort of contrived denial...

I will however absolutely admit that the consequences of this may be worse for a woman. Seeing as men generally don't get slut shamed.

But I really feel like ignoring it and learning from it (which also means a certain amount of adjusting to certain standards) is all the OP can do.

I myself had to learn that my behaviour with friends / acquaintance was apparently like flirting in the UK.
it was a bit unfortunate when one of my now DH's friends told him that I was 'nice enough but unfortunately flirted with him and many others the whole evening'... Blush

Original poster
perez1 · 12/10/2019 16:35

Also, there were only about 20 grads who attended this event and less than 6 of us who stayed on the same floor.

I just hate that people are talking about something which "happened" at the end of Aug/start of Sept.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 12/10/2019 16:38
  • Ignore.

Eye roll and laugh.

‘Name would be so lucky!’

Carry on rocking at your job.*

this ^ wot @TeachesOPeaches said

Oh, and get that appointment with your HP sorted out. Don't waste your life in thrall to anxiety.

GivemeGinandTonic · 12/10/2019 16:39

Surely it’s pretty straight forward to put these rumours to bed.
Your colleague needed your charger, so he clearly either text you to ask for said charger, and you have the text as evidence?

Or he called you, in which case the call on your call list and time would be proof. (I.e no one would call someone if they were laid next to them in bed?)

CravingCheese · 12/10/2019 16:40

You wouldn’t wear clean clothes for the 2 minutes it would take to go 5 doors down and give someone a charger? How filthy are you?!

Have you really never ever worn the same two days in a row? Or taken a night train and worn the same thing when you went on the train, during the night and the next day as well?

I'm not saying the OP's behaviour was particularly well though through. But calling her filthy really is a bit much imo. And very rude.

Aridane · 12/10/2019 16:43

Really? You wouldn’t wear clean clothes for the 2 minutes it would take to go 5 doors down and give someone a charger? How filthy are you?!

Oh FFS

LazyDaisey · 12/10/2019 16:43

I’d get a disgusted look on my face and start a conversation about fidelity and how you think people who cheat on their partners are the scum of the earth. And throw in... who the fuck is stupid enough to shit where they eat, am I right?.... and look at people in the eye... some will squirm. And will most likely switch topics to people who slept with someone in workplace and how it all went to shit.

RossPoldark · 12/10/2019 16:44

I had something similar unfortunately. After a Christmas party my PA booked a meeting with me to tell me that someone had 'seen' me kissing another colleague at the Christmas party. It was the first I had heard of it and I was shocked and angry. I just ignored it as best I could. The man and I had a quick, very awkward chat about it (we were fairly good work friends but it was very cringe that people thought more than that) and we couldn't think of any better way to deal with it than ignore it.

That was about 6 years ago and since then

  • amongst many other remarks someone cattily told me that 'Very Senior Head Of Department' thinks 'what RossPoldark did' was terrible Confused
  • I was transferred out of Head of Department's team into a much worse job due to business needs apparently
  • the male colleague has been promoted twice (he is a golden boy) and is now my boss
  • I have not been promoted (I have had a couple of maternity leaves and now work part time is their reasoning)
  • the person who 'saw' the kissing is now someone I have to work with every day and basically be very nice to

If I were you I would ignore ignore ignore, bide your time and try to get a different job. I found it too hard to get a different job or I would have moved years ago.

So yeah it's balls.