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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel offended that we only found out on Facebook?

113 replies

Tawnyoel · 12/10/2019 06:40

DH's 19 year old neice is pregnant. A bit of a shock for family as she is still living at home, but I guess it happens!

We only found out when she announced it on Facebook. Apparently BIL was supposed to contact DH with the news but apparently didn't get around to it.

AIBU to be hurt that we only got to find out by chance on FB or is this the modern way now? Apparently my MIL knew but clearly wasn't able to tell us as it wasn't her news to share

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 13/10/2019 17:40

Surely it’s up to your niece to tell people and she probably felt Facebook told most people at the same time and saved her having to individually contact people.

I could understand being hurt if you found out your own child was pregnant via social media but not a niece or nephew.

Wizzbangpop · 13/10/2019 17:42

Meh I think YABU.

My du &das wither live abroad or far away from where I live. Only speak a handful of times a year. I'm not friends with any of them in social media. But I think my parents would tell them when they were contacting them about something else. I would let go out of their way to announce the pregnancy to them.

However I think it does depend on how close you are. As a family we aren't that close in that respect

Alexapourmeadrink · 13/10/2019 17:44

Probably an instinctive reaction to post on FB. Teenagers don’t make family phone calls. BIL probably didn’t realise he had delayed telling you.

Ask them to include you in the phone calls after the birth, because you are very excited to know about your grand niece/nephew. But don’t be surprised if the new mum beats her parents to it with an instagram photo!

Ellisandra · 13/10/2019 17:45

I don’t really understand why you would ask ‘is this the modern way now’, or ask if YABU to feel offended.

Surely your AIBU is “IABU to be annoyed that BIL was supposed to tell us directly and didn’t?”. To which the answer is probably “I get why you are annoyed that he during tell you, but that was the intention - so cut him some slack as you know he’s not happy about his teenage kid being pregnant”.

Your brother intend for you to find out via Facebook. Let it go.

ddl1 · 13/10/2019 17:57

I think YANBU to be a bit frustrated: I am not very keen on the current habit of announcing important events on FB first (what if you weren't on FB? not everyone is). But I think YABU to be offended or hurt on a personal level. Like it or not, it's how many people do things now; it's not directed at you.

jade9390 · 13/10/2019 17:59

I suspect she is going through a lot, if the family are shocked. Your feelings are the last thing on her mind.

mathanxiety · 13/10/2019 18:02

I really feel for the young woman stuck at home with a dad who has very likely made this news all about how he feels.

Maybe your DH can give his brother the kick in the backside that he very clearly needs when he phones him.

He could lay into him for not sharing the good news and ask his brother to convey your love and best wishes to your niece along with your congratulations to the whole family.

MariahDontCarey · 13/10/2019 18:05

08:54 OMGshefoundmeout

I agree that it is the modern way. A 40something woman I know recently announced the death of her DH on FB. It came as a bit of a shock to many people but I can see for her it was much easier than ringing over one hundred people and having the same painful conversation over and over again.

A friend of a friend announced bus wife's very sudden death by writing a PS in everyone's Christmas cards! Grief does strange things to people, but it gave a few recipients a nasty shock.

Jodie626 · 13/10/2019 18:11

In my opinion, it is a modern thing and lot's of people do it. It's easier as you have everyone you are close to on facebook and you have a collective post with responses from your closest family and friends. If you were her mother then that would be different but I don't think she meant any harm in doing this. Plus pregnancy brain is a real thing lmao. I would just show your support. I'm not surprised if the man in the situation forgot to let people know as my partner did the exact same thing. No bad intent, just forgetful.

Jack80 · 13/10/2019 18:33

In this social media age we sometimes find out people are pregnant or engaged on social media, its nice to hear by text or call but at least you know.

FunkyKingston · 13/10/2019 18:43

It's your niece by marriage, not the birth of your first grandchild and some perspective is needed. Given the way my extended family reproduce, I'd need my own call centre if every time they got up the duff they called. Mind you my cousin tend to call to tell you she's pregnant seconds after the piss has hit the stick.

manicmij · 13/10/2019 18:57

It's a niece, not your daughter. Why feel offended. Your niece didn't bother to check who had been told personally so obviously not all that bothered. Hope all goes well for the niece with the baby.

angelfacecuti75 · 13/10/2019 19:19

Lots of people announce things on Facebook as it's an easy way to let people know without the hassle of contacting everyone separately. I wouldn't worry re it. It's just a more "modern" way.

rainingallday · 13/10/2019 19:20

@Tawnyoel Oh FGS, get over yourself! Hmm

This reminds me of something my friend told me about that happened when SHE was pregnant (15 years ago.) They knew a woman who had known her DH from work (they had worked together for 5 years, and he had left the workplace 6 months earlier, but they still crossed paths as they lived half a mile apart.)

Long story short, my friend and her DH told immediate family about the pregnancy, and a few days after, this woman 'scolded' my friend and her husband for not ringing her to tell her personally before everyone else, as they were such close friends... so she thought!!! Confused

She went round telling everyone about how hurt, wounded, and angry she was that she 'had to hear about the pregnancy from someone else.' She was just an ex work colleague of her DH, and was nothing to my friend. She and her husband were so pissed off at this woman's ranting that when they moved house 2-3 months later, they ghosted her.

Some people are full of their own self-importance.

winniestone37 · 13/10/2019 19:24

I’m sorry but this must be huge for them- stressful, unexpected and exciting and you’re making it about you in your head. Don’t! You have a choice, be lovely and supportive and choose not to take offence.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 19:28

I’d be a little hurt

I’d also understand that it’s not even a little bit about me

BarbedBloom · 13/10/2019 19:31

Honestly, we have messaged news or called close family and friends, but I didn't call aunts and uncles as I am not close to them - I don't see them often at all. I am closer to friends too than a lot of my family. It also depends on how close BIL and your husband are too.

It is the couples news to announce I think and it is up to them how they announce it. Doesn't mean there won't be consequences, like people being a bit upset, but everyone seems to announce stuff on FB now as it is a easy way to react lots of people at once and then none of your friends etc get offended that you called X before Y. There was a huge family fallout as cousin called her one aunt before the other, now she just puts it on FB

lottelupin · 13/10/2019 19:34

BIL dropped the ball. It's not the girl's fault - he just didn't get his act together. So better for you to bond with MIL and family over him being a bit rubbish and give your full support. It wasn't an intended slight - and that's why there's no real reason to be offended.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2019 19:35

YANBU, but it’s the way it is these days with Social Media - it takes the place of a lot of social interaction (like proper phone calls between family members).

Booksandwine80 · 13/10/2019 19:36

@grumpypregnanttired

You sound delightful Confused

LifeonVenus · 13/10/2019 19:44

I recall telling one aunt I was pregnant when I was about 6 months pregnant. Her response? I sort of gathered that lol.

Wouldn't occur to me to tell an aunt or uncle.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/10/2019 19:53

With that slightly judgey attitude I'm not surprised they didn't tell you personally

MrsBadcrumble123 · 13/10/2019 20:19

Still haven’t been officially told that my cousin has HAD a baby!! Found out in FB when friends posted baby shower pics (she is large and it seems we saw her at like 5 months pregnant but no one told us! Blush then she posts picture of baby!! I’m old fashioned and believe that bloody FB isn’t a substitution for actually letting your bloody family know 🙄

Localocal · 13/10/2019 20:23

I expect your BIL had more pressing things to worry about than making sure no one in the extended family was put out about the order they were notified in. Things like HIS DAUGHTER'S TEEN PREGNANCY. Call and offer your support and don't make this about you.

RueCambon · 13/10/2019 20:29

The niece probably want to take control of how the news was delivered HERSELF, which she couldn't do if her dad rang and made the call.

Sounds like he wasn't looking forward to ringing you with that news.