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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel offended that we only found out on Facebook?

113 replies

Tawnyoel · 12/10/2019 06:40

DH's 19 year old neice is pregnant. A bit of a shock for family as she is still living at home, but I guess it happens!

We only found out when she announced it on Facebook. Apparently BIL was supposed to contact DH with the news but apparently didn't get around to it.

AIBU to be hurt that we only got to find out by chance on FB or is this the modern way now? Apparently my MIL knew but clearly wasn't able to tell us as it wasn't her news to share

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 12/10/2019 07:38

Bil was probably shocked / embarrassed so conveniently forgot to call.

Fairylea · 12/10/2019 07:40

Very normal for a 19 year old to announce something in this way. You’re going to appear very old fashioned and petty if you say anything about this. Just say congratulations.

amiapropermum · 12/10/2019 07:41

It's not even about you being old fashioned. This is someone else's life and it's a big thing to get her head around at that age. I imagine that's where the focus was - not figuring out who needed to be told in person/on phone. It's not a slight to you so don't make it about you

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 12/10/2019 07:48

Women are probably better at telling news than men! BIL probably meant to ring but it wasn't a priority for him. It maybe sucks a little that you feel "everyone knew" before you, but as others said, it's not about you. This baby's arrival will have zero affect on you or your husband (I mean that in the nicest possible way, btw!), so just move on. The girl and her family have a lot to think about now.

LolaSmiles · 12/10/2019 07:48

Personally I think close family (in terms of people you speak to and see) should be told big announcements in person, either face to face or phone or even texts, depending on your usual method of contact.
I'd not be hurt if someone chose a social media announcement though because I think it's a sign of the times.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/10/2019 07:50

FFS, the OP is only asking a question. Thankfully some people have answered nicely but what's will all the "get over yourself" or "It's not about you" comments? Sometimes those kind of comments are warranted on AIBU but the OP doesn't sound like she's making it about herself.

Let's not just knock someone down for their views for the sake of it.

malteasergeezer · 12/10/2019 07:52

Yep Facebook is the new offender. It's funny isn't it? people love it until they hate it.

I prefer other modes of communication and don't use social media like this. It's supposed to make communication easier and yet it seems to have created a whole new range of ways of causing offence Grin.

OP can you really be bothered to be 'offended' by this? seriously?

theretheirtheyrenotno · 12/10/2019 07:52

You sound very judgy, I can see why BIL avoided telling you directly. No one wants to hear a disapproving and false congratulations!

NerrSnerr · 12/10/2019 07:52

Apparently BIL was supposed to contact DH with the news but apparently didn't get around to it.

It's up to his niece to tell people as she wants, not her dad.

NoCauseRebel · 12/10/2019 07:58

I wouldn’t be hurt but it’s a bit distasteful.

My BIL announced SIL’s pregnancy on FB and actively hid some family members so he could create the illusion that no-one else knew yet.

But when SIL died he posted that on FB too before family had been told. Angry

MaybeitsMaybelline · 12/10/2019 07:59

It’s the nieces news to share, not the BiLs, the niece chose to share it her way.

YABu

LolaSmiles · 12/10/2019 08:01

Idontwanttotalk

You're right.

It's not that unreasonable to think family news would come from family rather than in a post for hundreds of other people.

There's a lot of putting the boot in.

LL83 · 12/10/2019 08:11

I expect close friends or family to tell good news like this in person or on phone.

As it is a surprise I would understand BIL might have other worries on his mind about supporting his dd and understand why it didnt happen in this case. If it was purely exciting and lovely news i am sure he would have called. As it is also surprising/stressful news in this case I wouldn't be hurt that doing the family phone calls wasnt front of his mind and would be concerned/supportive rather than hurt.

The baby will come and the family will be delighted I am sure but initially there may be a lot of practical issues to work out.

PrincessPain · 12/10/2019 08:15

I think it might be just the way it is now.
I told my DM and MIL in person, maybe the nan in my side.
That's it, all other grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins found in Facebook.
Honestly couldn't care if they were bothered, we don't talk regularly and I just couldn't be arsed to reach out for any reason, just as they don't.
Some of them haven't met my 2 year old and most of them havent met my 5mo.

Orangecake123 · 12/10/2019 08:19

Sorry OP but I think you are a tad unreasonable.

She's your niece not your daughter.

RachelEllenR · 12/10/2019 08:20

I'd be offended!

Aridane · 12/10/2019 08:22

YANBU - I would be disappointed

contrary13 · 12/10/2019 08:26

I was 19 and still living at home when I discovered that I was pregnant with my oldest (now 23) - and I didn't announce this fact to my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) because, to be frank, it was (a) nothing to do with them and (b) I knew I'd face judgement from them all, and couldn't be bothered to put myself through that.

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way... get over yourself. Your BIL is probably not embarrassed of his daughter's pregnancy, he simply forgot to call. Pregnancy is considered, rightly or wrongly, something that women gossip about, not men. Perhaps he was waiting for the safe delivery of his grandchild to inform you/your husband? As for your SIL, perhaps she was passing the buck during your conversation, because she was bewildered as to why you were calling her. Have you called your niece? After all, at 19, she's an adult... and she is the one who is pregnant, not her mother.

If you don't have a close enough relationship with your niece that you can call her to talk to her about her pregnancy (whether it's to congratulate her, or offer the support which - regardless of whether the father is still around/how this baby was conceived - she is going to need) as an adult in her own right, then you're not important enough to their family to be told in person. It's as simple as that.

And don't blame your MIL, either. Unless, of course, you fear a conspiracy going on between every other member of your extended family, and this pregnancy is the straw which broke the camel's back regarding it?

When I was pregnant, my parents knew, one of my two brothers/his wife knew, and my grandparents on both sides all knew. My grandmother told my aunt, who was also pregnant, and she called me (back in the days when a 19 year old didn't have a mobile phone glued to their hand!) to offer support, her wisdom (it was her 4th pregnancy), and to announce her own pregnancy (there are just days between my daughter and my younger cousin in age). Everyone else found out after that. One uncle decided to judge me... and I went NC with him. Completely. He and his family have never met my children, and won't. He's still in touch with my father, who claims to despise the way he judged me - he suggested to my father that he ought to punish me for "bringing shame" onto the family... except, I didn't. A baby is something that ought to be celebrated - not judged. My other brother found out when my daughter was born (and he judged me, too, without ever knowing the abusive relationship I'd walked away from and the misinformation concerning how far along I was in my pregnancy - a GP told me that I was a few months more pregnant than I actually was, resulting in any choices I may have had being taken away from me).

Stop reacting as though your adult niece is a child, still. She blatantly isn't. She's 19 and about to become a mother. If you value her at all, OP, I suggest that you start to offer her the same consideration that you feel you, yourself, are entitled to. She is an adult. The living at home still part...? A lot of young adults cannot afford to do anything but live in their parents home. My 23 year old still lives at home - as do 90% of her friends. A friend of mine's 20 year old son lives at home with not only his girlfriend, but their 1 year old child. We make it work because we're their parents, and we love them.

So please, stop judging your niece and her parents for not informing you of this pregnancy - they obviously have/had their reasons. Offer support to your niece. Treat her as the adult she legally is, not the child you seem to believe that she is. Celebrate having a new great-niece or -nephew in your extended/wider family. Don't judge another woman's choices, because they are hers - not yours - to have made. This isn't about you, they have better things to be focused upon right now.

Beautiful3 · 12/10/2019 08:27

I did this too after I told close family). It was an easier way to tell everyone.

rollNsausage · 12/10/2019 08:29

YANBU

I found out BIL and SIL were pregnant with no 3 when she was 7m pregnant. DH and I were rather hurt.

I think its cause I said 'congratulations' to her before the 12w stage in her first pregnancy and they were mad that DH had told me despite me being his DW.

Tawnyoel · 12/10/2019 08:35

I am quite flattered by how many people have taken an interest in my post! I'm not sure that anything I have ever posted in the past has generated this many responses (apart from one about Brexit)! Thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:
GrouchoMrx · 12/10/2019 08:45

Especially for you:

StayInYourLaneBoy · 12/10/2019 08:47

Wouldn't have taken much for close family to be told would it, I'd be upset too

I wouldn't call someone I was only related to by marriage "close family" It's her husband's niece, not her first born child

OMGshefoundmeout · 12/10/2019 08:54

I agree that it is the modern way. A 40something woman I know recently announced the death of her DH on FB. It came as a bit of a shock to many people but I can see for her it was much easier than ringing over one hundred people and having the same painful conversation over and over again.

duckling84 · 12/10/2019 08:59

I told my closest family personally (parents, sister, nan) and dh told his closest family personally, but yeah then the rest were told via facebook. and that includes aunts/uncles/cousins etc. So since it is a niece, yes YABU.
With dc4 I didn't even announce the pregnancy on fb, just went straight to birth announcement. Figured if I'm not going to see anybody over the 9months to tell face to face, then it was none of their business.

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