Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking on the mental load

76 replies

Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:17

Several years ago I decided to give up the mental load. I've had limited success, particularly with regards to stuff for the kids as to genuinely give it up for them would mean them missing out on stuff.

DH was aware of this and in agreement, he felt I did too much mental load stuff and needed to give it up a bit. He also felt it would mean he got opportunity to do a bit more. He has not taken on any of the mental load however. It's who he is, so birthdays get missed, he's late for stuff, life is lived day to day with limited forward planning, his choice, he's alway been this way and I'm more relaxed now. He does get stuff done in his own way (has never missed mine or kids birthdays or important stuff for them).

Here comes the issue.

We are now late. ALL THE TIME. Well, for anything DH organises (because he doesn't think about what needs doing before we leave, factor in travel time with toilet stops for the kids etc) and PIL are getting pretty pissed off about it. I don't blame them. We are frequently 1+ hour late. It doesn't happen with stuff I organise as I factor in time for all that stuff. They are starting to get a bit shirty and FIL in particular seems to think it's my fault (I'm not sure why). WIBU to tell them when they mention it when we eventually arrive today that it's DHs fault and why?

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/10/2019 11:22

No ywnbu

My DH is like this and then wonders why things are a bit chaotic if he has both kids for a day without me. Oddly enough he manages to be really organised in his paid, senior role at work. As a result I'm determined not to let DS or DD be one of those boys who's mother does their washing until they are 25!

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 11/10/2019 11:23

Being an hour late is just bloody rude to be honest. Fair enough if it’s due to traffic but when it’s bad planning, just rude!

Being on time, isn’t a skill most adults manage it very easily. Your dh would drive me mad.

Yes tell them why, it’s the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️

MulticolourMophead · 11/10/2019 11:24

Tell them, it might be the prod your DH needs

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 11:25

FIL obviously relies on MIL for the mental load, too.

I'd tell them!

Dreamer2019 · 11/10/2019 11:25

I'm confused...do you actually just sit around and let him crack on getting the kids ready etc and stuff together knowing full well you're going to be late? It's a team effort!

Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:26

Yes, it's very rude. I know it's rude, and I don't do it. I'm also not obstructive with DH, I don't make things harder, I just don't enable him anymore.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 11/10/2019 11:26

I wouldn’t necessarily tell PIL it was your husband’s fault and why, because that’s another way of taking on the mental (or emotional) load. Instead, I’d work on not giving a fuck about your PIL’s anger, on the basis that it has nothing to do with you. Don’t apologise, don’t explain, and if they say something to you just tell them they’ll need to ask DH about that and refuse to discuss it further.

Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:28

AmIThough actually, he really doesn't. Quite the opposite. DH is exactly like his mum. I think FIL presumes DH is like him and I'm therefore the problem!

OP posts:
mawof3soontobe · 11/10/2019 11:28

Sorry but I think yabu to just sit there watching things unfold and knowing its not going to go to plan and offer no help verbally or practically. People have different strengths, organising family life and timekeeping obviously isn't one of them for your dh. Yes it's frustrating to take the lions share of the mental load but I think I'd swallow my tongue and step in in a situation like this rather than continuously affect other people's lives by being late. It doesn't set a good example for your DC, it let's them think it's acceptable to leave people waiting, not to mention how high stress each outing must be for all involved

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 11:29

Oh I'm surprised! Definitely all the more reason to tell them. He might kick DH into touch!

thecatsthecats · 11/10/2019 11:34

See, my DH is also late for his senior, well paid role. So at least he's consistent there. He will adhere to train and flight schedules, restaurant appointments etc. That's it.

If it's something important to me that I've arranged (so the mental load does 'belong' with me), I can get us together on time.

If it's going to his family... to be honest, I mind being late a lot less Wink. Certainly a lot less than the entirely unconstructive and ineffective stress of trying to get him there on time. I just let him faff as long as he faffs now, and enjoy myself until he's ready to go.

(The thing is, MIL arranges for us to come hours before the 'deadline' anyway, because she wants to spend time with him - fair enough. But because he's late, she adds on further time to the start time, even though nothing actually starts at that point. My personal approach is to say when the timed start is, and if it's a looser arrangement, don't needlessly tie anyone to a schedule they won't keep.)

Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:36

Dreamer2019 prior to the change, if we needed to leave at 9am DH would set his alarm for 8.15 as 45 minutes is all he would need to get out the house (he actually needs an hour but he'd swear he didn't) with no consideration for time needed to get the kids ready, pack the car, feed the cat etc. If I suggested he got up earlier he'd do it, take a bit longer getting ready then go and sit down, waiting for me. Ignoring the naked kids etc until I mentioned it when he'd say "oh yeah, I'd forgotten". Now I don't suggest the time he should get up to get ready to leave on time or provide a list of what needs to be done before we can leave. I don't sit around whilst he does it all either. I'll say "so where are you with being ready to go" and he'll say something like "umm, yeah nearly there. Oh, umm the kids bag isn't packed" and I'll do it once I'm ready.

If we need to be somewhere an hour away by 10am, he'd plan to leave at 9am, not consider if we needed petrol, we may need to stop for a wee for the kids, traffic etc if I mention those things he'd agree we need to leave earlier, but not actually manage it unless I facilitate it with chivying along, nagging etc. Which I no longer do.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 11/10/2019 11:36

I don't get it. As a married couple you are a team. We spread the mental load in a way that plays to our individual strengths rather than setting each other up to fail.

SheilaBruce · 11/10/2019 11:37

I've done this too. Except DH is exactly the same as his mum and sister so they're ALL running late and ALL stressed and frantic. Whatever time is agreed, I just add an extra 1-1.5 hours to my expectations. I'm usually correct, and much calmer and happier as a result. Smile

Jeezoh · 11/10/2019 11:38

I’m not really understanding why visiting your PILs is a mental load that always falls to your OH, can’t you just have a discussion the night before to agree a time to leave dependent on what time you’ve said you’ll be there? It sounds a bit petty to me, I refuse to micromanage my OH’s life but for stuff we’re doing as a family, having a bit of an input isn’t taking on the whole mental load.

Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:39

mawof3soontobe I might be in agreement with you if he couldn't do it with things that were important to him. But he can. So he's clearly capable if he deems it important enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:41

Jeezoh I now ask "what's the plan for tomorrow", "what time do we need to leave" etc and his usual response is "I'm not sure, I'll figure it out in the morning".

OP posts:
fedup21 · 11/10/2019 11:41

So, describe how things are different for trips out that you organise and you’re all on time for?

Alsohuman · 11/10/2019 11:41

I couldn’t live like this. Watching the person I love most in the world flounder and not do anything to help is completely alien. Who does this situation work for?

fedup21 · 11/10/2019 11:43

They are starting to get a bit shirty and FIL in particular seems to think it's my fault

I would say-sorry we are late, DH didn’t get up till 9...

Original poster
Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:45

And I've had a conversation with DH and he prefers the way we do it now, rather than the old way of me organising the time we get up, leave etc.

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 11/10/2019 11:47

Yeah my husband is similarly shit organisationally and I bear the entire mental load for everything. BUT he does a stressful job and is the main breadwinner, he is always in good spirits despite little sleep and
Long days, he is calm and kind tonlive with generally. And he always makes us laugh.

While I’m irate in th moment because he forgot to book a holiday hire car or has mislaid all the boarding cards I absolutely want to stab him in the eye with a pencil. But once the moment has passed I can see the whole picture and am glad we are a team rather than on apparently opposing sides. I would never sit by and voluntarily let us be late for anyone if I could help get us ready. Any more than my husband would down sticks once he’d earned as much as I had in the week/month/year.

It’s one thing being cross about bearing the mental load but another altogether to hive off 50 per cent and use it as a missile. I think you need to work on your relationship as a whole really.

blackteasplease · 11/10/2019 11:47

It's between your DH and FIL isn't it? Just point FIL in his direction.

Ozgirl75 · 11/10/2019 11:49

I don’t get really how much mental load there can be going to grandparents house. Like, how much do you exactly need for a day out?

And I agree with someone above, if there is a plan for a day out, just sort it out between you.

Doobigetta · 11/10/2019 11:49

If his crap planning was having an impact on what you wanted to do, or on your family or friends, I’d say pick your battles and step in. As it’s his parents getting pissed off, I’d just smile at them and say, sorry, he was in charge today so you’ll have to speak to him. They didn’t have to bring him up to be a manchild who relies on his wife for things to happen properly, but given that they did it’s only fair that they share the pain of the outcome.

Swipe left for the next trending thread