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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking on the mental load

76 replies

Irritatedinmind · 11/10/2019 11:17

Several years ago I decided to give up the mental load. I've had limited success, particularly with regards to stuff for the kids as to genuinely give it up for them would mean them missing out on stuff.

DH was aware of this and in agreement, he felt I did too much mental load stuff and needed to give it up a bit. He also felt it would mean he got opportunity to do a bit more. He has not taken on any of the mental load however. It's who he is, so birthdays get missed, he's late for stuff, life is lived day to day with limited forward planning, his choice, he's alway been this way and I'm more relaxed now. He does get stuff done in his own way (has never missed mine or kids birthdays or important stuff for them).

Here comes the issue.

We are now late. ALL THE TIME. Well, for anything DH organises (because he doesn't think about what needs doing before we leave, factor in travel time with toilet stops for the kids etc) and PIL are getting pretty pissed off about it. I don't blame them. We are frequently 1+ hour late. It doesn't happen with stuff I organise as I factor in time for all that stuff. They are starting to get a bit shirty and FIL in particular seems to think it's my fault (I'm not sure why). WIBU to tell them when they mention it when we eventually arrive today that it's DHs fault and why?

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 11/10/2019 12:49

OP just call him out on it, fgs. "You have to organise shit better before we stop getting invited places because we're always fcking late!

Hidingtonothing · 11/10/2019 13:08

The problem with OP leaving DH behind to be on time herself is that still leaves her with all the mental load/shitwork of organising/dressing/feeding DC. He effectively gets what he wants, to get himself ready in his own sweet time and not have to worry about anyone else. He won't feel guilty or embarrassed about being late either in all likelihood, which probably backs up the whole 'my time is more important than yours' thing a PP mentioned.

I don't know what the answer is OP tbh, I would probably respond to any gripes from PIL with 'I was ready, it's DH who can't get out of bed' type comments, just so it's clear where the blame lies and let him deal with any fallout. You've committed to this current way of dealing with the issue but you're still carrying some element of the guilt/embarrassment/responsibility for his lateness, you need to hand it over to him completely and be clear with PIL about who causes the problem.

Kokeshi123 · 11/10/2019 13:16

OP just call him out on it, fgs. "You have to organise shit better before we stop getting invited places because we're always fcking late!"*
This! OP, you need to get cross.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 11/10/2019 13:18

YANBU! My DH and I are a team but that doesn't include me acting as his social secretary. I would definitely tell PILs they are getting cross with the wrong person!

chamenanged · 11/10/2019 13:30

I would probably respond to any gripes from PIL with 'I was ready, it's DH who can't get out of bed' type comments, just so it's clear where the blame lies and let him deal with any fallout.

I agree that I'd want them to know, but saying something like this would make me feel and undeniably sound like a five year old, then I'd resent him more because of that.

Orangeblossom78 · 11/10/2019 13:35

We just set the clock so it is running early which helps. I don't really get why someone needs to be 'in charge' or getting ready though. Can't you just both help each other so you are ready at the right time?

CheshireChat · 11/10/2019 13:48

Orangeblossom78 doesn't work if one is busy faffing so the other one has to sort everything though.

ForeverFaff · 11/10/2019 13:49

Any time something is mentioned by the in laws, just say "well, I was ready on time, whatever is DH like lol" or "well, I always get my mums birthday sorted...what's DH like eh! (Tinkly laugh)"

Be a sloping shoulder, Teflon. As soon as an accusation is flung, deflect, dodge, redirect.

Graphista · 11/10/2019 13:50

'you're a team' 'can't you just help each other'

Directed at op - she isn't the one letting the 'team' down HE IS op is not responsible for a grown ass adults refusal to be responsible and quit being a lazy dick! I'm pretty sure her decision to let go of HIS mental load was after many years of him taking the piss even more than he is now.

But I agree HE needs consequences that genuinely negatively affect him.

Barbie222 · 11/10/2019 13:54

I don't understand what's so hard about all this stuff either. It's mainly estimating how long all the jobs take, adding them up, and adding a bit more time just in case. There must be a scale of ability on the planning and organising front just as there is with maths, reading etc. I think you maybe need to be the kind of person who is able to keep a kind of visual flowchart in your head!

Mummy1224 · 11/10/2019 13:56

Since your in laws are HIS parents, haven’t they ever noticed this before?! Was he often late as a teenager or while he lived with them?

I think in laws often expect that the woman in the family will deal with all of this mental load stuff, even when it means their own son not engaging with wider family tasks (like birthdays, for example)

You might need to gently explain to them that you’ve both decided to make a change, and outline how you’re doing it now. This will tell them clearly that getting to their house is largely dependent on your husbands organisational ability, and they can direct their frustration appropriately Grin

CheshireChat · 11/10/2019 13:59

Barbie222 I'm not sure if you mean that it's not difficult so the OP might as well do it or that since it's not that complicated her DH should get his act in gear.

I think a lot of it is habit and not thinking only about yourself

autumnleaves99 · 11/10/2019 14:18

I'm not sure I really understand.....so he's rubbish at taking responsibility for things and organisation, and you've just decided that you're going to stop organising anything or taking responsibility for anything????

fedup21 · 11/10/2019 14:33

get the kids ready, pack the car, feed the cat etc.

Who is doing those things now when you go to visit his parents?

Name739017 · 11/10/2019 14:52

I’m not really sure what the answer is, mine is a bit like this. At the moment, the night before I will start a conversation about what we will do in the morning (eg list all the jobs that need doing and then we decide who will do what). That has improved things and at least means I know which jobs I am doing and which jobs I am leaving for him. But if I didn’t start the conversation, he would just set his alarm for the exact time it would take him to get ready and leave me to sort out the baby and the dog.

TDMN · 11/10/2019 15:07

Some of the comments on here are spectacularly missing the point.
Organising 'life stuff' isnt a skill you are born with or without (or something that women are inherently born being better at as some people like to think) If OP's DH was single with no kids you'd bet he'd sort out getting his washing done, making sure there's petrol in the car, getting dressed etc etc. Its not a case of 'but you're a team and if he's not very good at it why wouldnt you help'
It's his bloody responsibility as an adult in a relationship with kids to learn how to be better at doing this stuff and then actually do it!! This isnt like 'oh he's better at DIY and im better at finances so thats how we split it' - getting yourself ready to get out of the house isnt a bloody specialist area, its LIFE. And he can clearly do it for himself albeit at a slower pace so its not unreasonable to expect him to work on doing it for his wife and kids. 'Helping him out' = doing simple tasks for him that he could bloody do himself if he got up earlier or planned ahead!

Littlemissdaredevil · 11/10/2019 15:39

My DH is the same except he always complaints that I am late!

However, DH gets ready in his own sweet time whilst I get myself ready, get the toddler ready, pack bag for toddler with nappies/change of clothes/water/snacks, etc. I would say 80% of the time he’s still not ready so I get myself and DD into the car and start reversing!

SarahTancredi · 11/10/2019 15:55

But if I didn’t start the conversation, he would just set his alarm for the exact time it would take him to get ready and leave me to sort out the baby and the dog

All this having conversations planning ahead who does what and dividing up the load sounds harder work than getting on with it all anyway tbh.

Now you have the additional mental load of basically having a third child to deal with work the great reward if being considered a nagging wench after.

Bloody useless men..

Napmum · 11/10/2019 16:04

From what you've said OP YANBU. It's not fair for you to get the anger and not stand up for yourself.

I would probably pull FIL to one side and tell him all of this. Then say I have tried making suggests of getting up earlier or making lists of what to do just he ignores them maybe you could have a word with him and see if he listens to you as I know you're the organised one in your house.

If FIL says it's your responsibility as the organised one then stand firm if FIL has a word with husband and it doesn't work at least he'll know how to blame.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 16:05

Bloody good for you @Irritatedinmind

Shame they’re still being wankers but at least you’ve offloaded the work, for which you got no thanks. Their loss!

Sceptre86 · 11/10/2019 16:10

My dh does this and it has led to many arguments. His excuse is that I like doing all the planning, organising , choosing and buying gifts for people and that I am better at this than him. I have since given up doing anything for his side of the family as my efforts weren't appreciated. I totally understand the previous poster who mentioned in laws would thank their son not her for the meal cooked or eving arranged. Now his parents anniversary goes unacknowledged, they might get a happy anniversary when they remind him but no card or gifts. Birthday presents are bought on the day and never wrapped just shoved in a gift bag and the card if given is written en route to their home. It is not the way I would choose to do things but as an adult he needs to take some responsibility aa I can't manage everything. I have no desire to be a pa for him. He too is more than capable at work, works in a senior role in pensions and is more than able to manage his time effectively. Why are some people like this?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 16:14

Why are some people like this?

The consequences don’t affect them enough for them to need or want to change.

leghairdontcare · 11/10/2019 16:17

Good for you OP. You just need to grow a thick skin when dealing with his dad.

"Oh DH, your father is annoyed that we're late - are you going to apologise for making us late?"

Skinnychip · 11/10/2019 16:21

i could have written this about my Dh he thinks "we're" ready to go out because he has his wallet and car keys....and then will say in the car , "oh did we bring x y or z for the kids?"
It drives me bananas!! My Ddad died recently and we were invited to a family party (his family) a few days later. I went, but just to show my face really, but still had to write him a note to remember to take card, present etc. Then he asked me to sort out the congestion charge! It just doesnt occur to him to sort any of it out.
He went on a lads weekend away earlier this year and got mega stressed about booking his flight, printing a boarding card, organising insurance. i deliberately didn't help as i wasn't going and i wanted him to see all the unseen stuff that i normally do before he rocks up with his car keys and tuts if I'm not ready to go!!

NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 16:32

Orangeblossom78, the clock!!!

MiL used to set it 20 minutes fast to try to get them places on time, but she'd get muddled doing the calculation and end up later than ever, or FiL would put the clock right and she wouldn't realise...

It was chaotic. DH says they used to promise to take him and his DBs out most weekends and then they'd faff until it was too late to bother. He became super punctual and was the person who would go and start the car too soon. We were never late for anything but I did have to help him wind back from over-controlling everyone.