Not taking on the mental load

[Irritatedinmind]

Several years ago I decided to give up the mental load. I've had limited success, particularly with regards to stuff for the kids as to genuinely give it up for them would mean them missing out on stuff.

DH was aware of this and in agreement, he felt I did too much mental load stuff and needed to give it up a bit. He also felt it would mean he got opportunity to do a bit more. He has not taken on any of the mental load however. It's who he is, so birthdays get missed, he's late for stuff, life is lived day to day with limited forward planning, his choice, he's alway been this way and I'm more relaxed now. He does get stuff done in his own way (has never missed mine or kids birthdays or important stuff for them).

Here comes the issue.

We are now late. ALL THE TIME. Well, for anything DH organises (because he doesn't think about what needs doing before we leave, factor in travel time with toilet stops for the kids etc) and PIL are getting pretty pissed off about it. I don't blame them. We are frequently 1+ hour late. It doesn't happen with stuff I organise as I factor in time for all that stuff. They are starting to get a bit shirty and FIL in particular seems to think it's my fault (I'm not sure why). WIBU to tell them when they mention it when we eventually arrive today that it's DHs fault and why?

So you or your DH just have to tell your PILs that your DH was disorganised so you set off later than you should have. If you’re both happy with how you’re managing things and the negative consequences are all on your DHs shoulders, then according to your way of thinking the blame should be redistributed to your DH to deal with.

Is there more to the story? Are you a stay at home parent & he working full time? Not sure why your in laws would be so bothered.

fedup21 I set the alarm for a time that allows us to get everything done and get up when it goes off. DH will stay in bed, keep saying he's just waking up . I'll get myself ready then tell at him to get up. I'll get the kids breakfast and dressed. DH will be in the shower, I'll pack the bag and get everything in the car and eat my breakfast. DH will get dressed with me telling we need to leave, he'll start making breakfast. Me and the kids will be ready to leave while he gets his stuff together. We'll leave 10-15 minutes late, with enough time for one stop and a bit of traffic.

Teddybear45 no, both work full time. He earns more but do to the sector he is in. My job is equally stressful/important/ professional.

Those saying "work out a plan between you" would be me making a plan and him not sticking to it, which is what happened before.

I totally get where you are coming from but Your plan isn't working and its adding to your mental load.
Being told off for being late by PIL, who is assuming you are at fault, is also just getting into unnecessary aggro.. explaining its DH's fault is inviting them in to commenting on your marriage and how you both organise things. That can only make matters worse. Email PILs saying we are arriving at x time and stick to it.
Just be on time for the PILs, pick your battles and make DH responsible for something else. This is not the arena where you mental load will be lessened.
Its annoying to do it but could you stick a list on the fridge of the steps they all need to take and the time they need to get up. ( or on the Reminders app of his iphone.. programme in all the birthdays with reminders too, you only have to do that once) This may eventually sink in that they have to consider all these items to get away on time.
DH IMHO needs to be schooled as the kids are.. a Launch Pad area to put all the stuff, keys, glasses etc, he needs to take.. a place to put his things. a check list inc petrol etc.. that may be a mental load but its also training.

And I've had a conversation with DH and he prefers the way we do it now, rather than the old way of me organising the time we get up, leave etc.

I'm surprised you haven’t yet had a conversation where he’s realised if he got up when the alarm went off, you’d get places on time!

It sounds like he’s dragging his heels as he doesn’t actually want to go.

YANBU. I let DH organise us for trips out sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't make sure DD's teeth are brushed and she's got her shoes on, but I am not the one who says, "well, we better eat now, as by the time we've finished and loaded the dishwasher we'll need to leave. If we want to get there before the queue is too long" (for example). I let him direct operations. Sometimes this means we are late but he's got much better at it.

I also never get involved with presents for his family. Anytime one of his relatives has a quiet word with me about planning gifts or parties I've smiled sweetly and said, "I'm so sorry - DH is organising that. I'm not sure what he had in mind." They now go straight to him.

Likewise school WhatsApp groups for birthday parties. Every time I am the only parent added and I have to ask them to add DH. He then makes the plan.

It takes persistence but does pay off eventually.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff I'm actually much less stressed with this approach.

I've tried the training before, he doesn't agree it's needed, doesn't use it or stick to it.

Fedup21 We've had loads of conversations like that. He knows what he needs to do, he just doesn't do it.

Well, if you’re less stressed with this approach (I wouldn’t be!) and your husband prefers it, what’s your issue?

I think it sounds great - you do your stuff and he... well, he does his and neither of you is worried about it. How do the DCs feel about waiting around for him?

How does it work out when you're the organiser? do you leave when you said you'd leave and he's halfway through his breakfast? (that's what I'd do). I'd also be relaxed if people complained about his lateness and pass them to him for discussion.

Good for you OP!! Stick to your guns.

I had something similar happen to me. I stopped taking on the mental load/emotional labour for anything PIL related. I had an epiphany one night as they were leaving our home after eating yet another dinner that I prepared to their taste, invited them to and cleaned up after-- only to have them thank DH alone for dinner. As they always did. And for him to say 'you're welcome' as though he had lifted a finger and not acknowledge my effort at all. As he always did.

I told DH I was sick of it. I am not the social secretary of the house. Everything PIL was his responsibility from now on. As a result they aren't invited to dinners, birthdays are remembered the day before and lunches etc planned last minute, cards are generic ones found at petrol stations, as opposed to the personalised photograph ones I used to order ahead of time, presents are bought the day before and deemed 'unthoughtful'. PIL throw regular strops about how unappreciated they feel. And guess who they blame?

Me.

Funny that.

JustaScratcj yes, that's what I mean!

Those saying "work out a plan between you" would be me making a plan and him not sticking to it, which is what happened before.

Yes, this was the situation for me.

And like for you, the things he decides to do at the point we need to be leaving are always faffy and unnecessary. E.g. he'll decide that today's lunch really needs a shirt rather than his already ironed t shirt, and iron that. Then go find the lint roller. Then when we should have set off 30m ago, he'll start brushing his teeth, mouthwash, floss (if I'm running late - which hardly ever happens - I just brush my teeth).

To me, arriving on time is the polite thing, not making sure you're wearing the best ironed shirt.

Given that we're never late for fixed appointments (e.g. meeting someone at a location, or booking time), why would I take on the stress of failing to manage him to arrive earlier to sit around on ILs uncomfortable bar stools?

And I've had a conversation with DH and he prefers the way we do it now, rather than the old way of me organising the time we get up, leave etc.

Have you included in that discussion the fact that the way you do it now always leads to you being late and very rude to other people that you are inconveniencing by your lateness?

Is your husband like this at work, or does he manage to organise himself to get in on time and get to appointments on time? If so, why can't he do it at home?

Personally I'd just get up do my stuff and go without him.

How these people get to adulthood still believing in the laundry fairy etc I dont know.

Thing is this isnt a.mental.load issue. This is a " my time is far more Important than yours" issue. Hes so full of his own self importance he thinks all your job to sort the kids out and you should all wait for him all the time. Proven by the fact hes kicking back and letting you take the blame for it all.

Your point will not reach someone so arrogant selfish and self absorbed. Stop stressing yourself out being late etc. Go without him.

Oh OP I TOTALLY get this!

My DH is generally lovely and good hearted but he has serious communication issues (he’s naturally very reserved) and simply doesn’t carry any mental load.

He would also set his alarm for the exact amount of time HE needed to get ready and not think about anything else unless prompted 🙈
He will come home and ask ‘what’s for dinner’ without knowing if there’s even any food in!
He would go to a kids birthday party and not think to buy them a gift 🎁
He assumes cards/presents have been bought and recently missed a big occasion in his fam as I was unwell and didn’t do it for him 😂😂😂🙈

I understand those saying ‘😱 but you’re married so surely you should be a team?’ but ‘promoting’ men like this quickly descends into ‘you’re in charge now’ and before you know it you’re stressed, miserable and wondering why you bother 😂 ‘but you’re a team’ is just a societal way to shame women into doing all this ‘mental load’ stuff and everybody blames the female in a couple of things don’t get done!

The frustrating thing is that my DH has a VERY intense job, the type that involves life and death multi tasking/planning/decision making so I KNOW he’s capable of it and just CBA 😂🙈

Aargh, DP is like this and yes, he's also late for work so I'm willing to cut him some slack, but he did nearly end up under the patio yesterday as when I grumbled I have to iron DS's shirt* he said 'well, that's the only thing you have to do tomorrow" . Of course, our reception age child will organise himself otherwise ...

*I'd already ironed all of the shirts for the week, but DP accidentally messed them up and never sorted them despite saying he will.

And I've had a conversation with DH and he prefers the way we do it now, rather than the old way of me organising the time we get up, leave etc.

But it’s not him that PIL are blaming-it’s you!

Honestly? Threads like this make me SO glad I'm single!

He's lazy! You're dancing around the fact with verbal gymnastics but he is a lazy selfish bastard! He's NOT just not taking on the mental load he's doing sod all!! He DOES NOT just have himself to get ready you have from sounds of it at least 2 children and he's doing NOTHING to even get one of them ready!

What have the consequences been FOR HIM? Have there been any?!

1 i would not be doing him ANY favours until he gets his act together grows the fuck up and starts pulling his weight.

2 how far away do your in laws live? Because if I were you the next couple times at least I'd be leaving on time with the kids and leave the lazy arse to make his own way there which will of course make HIM very late and have to defend his own laziness to his parents!

Why are you enabling him by allowing him to opt out of his duties as a parent? He's taking the piss and you're letting him but kidding yourself you're not.

What is the actual division of labour in your home?

‘promoting’ men like this quickly descends into ‘you’re in charge now’ and before you know it you’re stressed, miserable and wondering why you bother 😂 ‘but you’re a team’ is just a societal way to shame women into doing all this ‘mental load’ stuff and everybody blames the female in a couple of things don’t get done!

Yes, it's very easy to get sucked into being a 'team', with the 'teamwork' largely done by you.

It's different for every couple.

I earn more than my DH. But he works longer hours, with a longer commute. In his busy season, he's often on a standard 60h week plus commute, whereas I'm breezing about on 37.5h and a brief commute and WFH one day a week.

We have a cleaner, and other housework is split about 70:30. (we eat out or order in a lot, so that 70:30 only covers life admin, tidying, laundry etc).

But that's only for joint stuff. If my husband decides that all his collars need ironing - it's on him. If he wants to do his teeth a particular way - on him.

I'd get a good digital calendar, program Alexa and write many to do lists, rather than rely on DH. He's useless, always has been, and it just adds to my mental load trying to chase up things he has forgotten. It is actually less work, however annoying that is

Do you not think he's just a lazy fecker? He agreed with you about mental load so as not to piss you off. Now he's "responsible" for this, you're always late. But he doesn't want to change back because he would have to get up early and/or listen to you chivvying him. He just wants to do as little as possible.

We had this exact issue with Ps-i-L who were chronically late everywhere for everything, not as elderly people but as parents of young children (when I first knew them) and onwards into later years and old age.

My solution, after being kept cooling my heels for the routine two hour delay a couple of times, was simple. If I wanted them to come for lunch I invited them for morning tea. An invite for lunch meant I prepared afternoon tea. Dinner meant an afternoon tea invite. It worked for me. They still missed planes and buses and appointments and, memorably, arrived half an hour late for my own DF's funeral, which I couldn't attend, and which they had offered to record for me.

Why not take your FiL to one side and suggest he invites his DS for an hour - or more - sooner than he actually wants to see him? DH must never know, though! Nod and a wink and a quick, "It's not me, Pa, it's him! Try this idea next time and see..."

I have a similar situation here. I was running circles round myself trying to make everyone else’s life lovely and happy. So now if he runs out of clean pants or DSD hasn’t had clean bedsheets in 4 months, forgets the right kit for her dance lessons or he hasn’t spoken to his mother since Easter I’m all over here like 🤷‍♀️ When nobody seems to appreciate your efforts, and it doesn’t affect you either way, what’s the point? There are no medals for martyrs and I didn’t want to take the mental load of it all upon myself in the long run and end up resentful. DH now sorts stuff as and when he deems necessary, in his own time and without me having to do it all and I think we are all the better for it.