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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What reasons would there be for a father not being allowed access?

91 replies

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 17:58

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who has a child he claims he isn't allowed to see. Apparently the child's mother won't allow access, yet he pays quite a large amount of child maintenance every month. He also claims this has been through the courts and the mother "got her way".
My question is, could this be the case? Or is my friend being taken for a mug?
Side note: This guy has been caught lying quite a few times so I'm thinking this story is lies aswell.

OP posts:
familycourtq · 10/10/2019 18:01

Could be true could be false. Courts find it hard to deal with the tiny numbers of total refusenik mums, so it could be that. Very rare for a court to rule no contact at all.

Justonemorepiece · 10/10/2019 18:02

Very very rare a parent would not allowed access to their children.

Even in care cases parents still get some form of contact.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:05

Thats what I thought. Either he's lying about paying the maintenance, or there is a reason he isn't allowed to see his child.

OP posts:
Mindblowninbrisvegas · 10/10/2019 18:06

Very very rare for a court to order no contact. Usually only when there has been significant domestic violence / abuse / drug / alcohol misuse if the children concerned are young. If the children are older (secondary school age) it’s possible that they expressed very strongly they didn’t want to see him and th court took those wishes me feelings into account (that raises a host of other questions). More common is a mother who refuses to allow contact and a father feels unable for whatever reason to go though the court process. Either way or doesn’t sound like he’s being entirely honest about the situation.

Sciurus83 · 10/10/2019 18:06

Something very serious, as in harm to the child, or he is lying

Rinoachicken · 10/10/2019 18:07

Paying child maintenance has nothing to do with access. Parents with no contact should still pay child maintenance.

It’s not ‘pay per view’

familycourtq · 10/10/2019 18:07

Btw maintenance has nothing to do with contact

frazzledasarock · 10/10/2019 18:07

Ex is not allowed direct contact as ordered Theo the courts. Because he was violent and abusive and continued to be emotionally abusive to the dc when he was granted contact thro a contact centre.

He went on a DV intervention programme, as ordered by court. Failed to get on two different courses re-applied to one again and was allowed on. He completed it and the Programme co-ordinator gave evidence in court that he was a risk to the children and to me... the other attendees on the course actually complained about him!

Courts decided then that he would not be allowed direct contact with the children. Altho it took me a lot of fighting to protect my children.

Pretty sure ex tells people I’m the bitch who won’t let him see his dc.

DC don’t want to know him and still suffer from the aftermath of the trauma as a direct consequence of his abuse. Despite the fact I paid a lot of money for them to get counselling and play therapy.

That’s just my experience. I’ve not met many women who left abusive marriages who’s abusive ex’s have been banned from direct contact thro the courts.

Mindblowninbrisvegas · 10/10/2019 18:08

So many typos Blush

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 10/10/2019 18:08

Maintenance has nothing to do with seeing a child. Denied access due to proven abuse or perhaps he is just not interested in seeing the child.

Maybe she should speak to the police using Sarah/Claire’s law.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 10/10/2019 18:09

How old is the child?

Zampa · 10/10/2019 18:10

My DH wasn't allowed to see his children but despite parental alienation and accusations of mental health issues from his ex, the children were allowed contact after court action.

I believe that some fathers are denied contact by mothers but if this has been through court and he's still not seeing them, it would raise serious questions.

frazzledasarock · 10/10/2019 18:11

I still get maintenance as I applied for it thro CMS.

Maintenance is completely separate to contact.

Ex is allowed to write one letter per month to the dc. He doesn’t

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:14

Thanks everyone that's helpful. I'm not going to mention it to her as they have been together a long time, and frankly it's none of my business. I was a bit concerned for her saftey at first at first.
Something she said really hit a nerve with me the other day, and that's what started me wondering about the whole situation again.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 18:16

or there is a reason he isn't allowed to see his child

  • or he just couldn't be bothered seeing his child
Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:17

I think the child is around 12 now. This happened when she was quite young. Im not even sure if him and the childs mother lived together.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 10/10/2019 18:17

I don't believe it.

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 18:18

Things have to be pretty bad before a man is banned from contacting his children. He's either lying or guilty and neither is good. Maintenance is not linked to contact. As PP said, your friend should ask about him using Claire's Law.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:18

or he just couldn't be bothered seeing his child

Or that too. He claims he fought to see her for a long time though, but again that could obviously be lie. I just wondered if there was any truth to what he was saying.

OP posts:
TractorTartofThigh · 10/10/2019 18:19

I once worked in a contact centre. I was so shocked at the monsters who were allowed supervised contact with their children. Peadophiles who I was instructed not to take my eyes off and who were not allowed to take child to toilet which one man frequently asked to do. So shocked.

youmaynowchangeyourname · 10/10/2019 18:20

I do know of two fathers who fought for access after courts were ignored by the mothers of their children. In both cases it took years.

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 18:22

Courts very rarely revoke all contact, worst case scenario is usually contact through a contact centre. The court will only revoke access entirely in cases of severe abuse and neglect so he’s either lying about ever going to court or he’s a seriously abusive bastard.

It is expensive and exhausting going to court so I think many guys just don’t bother.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:22

I also have never really liked his behaviour towards her. I don't see him that often, but I can't work out if it's all bravado infront of our group of friends when we do see each other, or he is just genuinely and absolute arsehole to her all the time. My dp has commented on the way he speaks to her and makes fun of her several times.

OP posts:
MitziK · 10/10/2019 18:23

DP applied for contact, got to court, his ex said 'but I'm not stopping him from seeing DC, I'd never do something like that'. Judge said 'why are you wasting our time, Mr DP?' and refused to make an order for contact.

She's intermittently allowed occasional contact since, withdrawn it for extended periods with zero notice when she's pissed off about something and he's paid maintenance continually (except when out of work, when I paid it instead). When the prospect of finding a couple of thousand pounds/putting it onto a credit card, only to find that the judge thinks this wonderful, respectable lady is being dragged through the courts for no reason at all, is impossible, I think there are more reasons a father doesn't get a contact order for more reasons than simply being abusive or not paying (they're not satellite TV channels, by the way, maintenance and contact should be separate - pay per view is a horrible way for anybody to view a child).

So it can happen.

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