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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What reasons would there be for a father not being allowed access?

91 replies

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 17:58

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who has a child he claims he isn't allowed to see. Apparently the child's mother won't allow access, yet he pays quite a large amount of child maintenance every month. He also claims this has been through the courts and the mother "got her way".
My question is, could this be the case? Or is my friend being taken for a mug?
Side note: This guy has been caught lying quite a few times so I'm thinking this story is lies aswell.

OP posts:
Shooflydontbotherme · 10/10/2019 20:23

Ah, it sounds like you've met my ex.

He's lying.

happycamper11 · 10/10/2019 20:23

If for whatever reason she was failing to adhere to court orders he could return on repeat. Something would be done eventually. There has to be massive reasons if he's been granted no contact even if he isn't actually paying. Court aren't interested in maintenance. Ex P is pretty bloody bad and still has 3 night EOW

TriciaH87 · 10/10/2019 20:33

Probably was abusive to the mother or child. Could have also been using drugs or something along them lines for court to refuse him access.

Oysterbabe · 10/10/2019 20:35

He can't be arsed to see the child and is lying.

Penguincity · 10/10/2019 20:39

My ex was only allowed access supervised by a male social worker when dc were young but only for a period of 2 years, this was because of a combination of dv, mental health and substance misuse, so for no access I would have thought he must have some past

loooosir · 10/10/2019 20:42

I too thought you were talking about my ex until I saw that the ex has messaged his current partner, which I haven't done.

Still, my ex would say this. He would be lying. In fact, he lies so much he must buy flame retardant underwear.

My guess would be he was either abusive, or didn't show up to court, moved away and couldn't be arsed, refused to engage with court requested (parenting programs, supervised contact, whatever), or all of those.

As far as it goes with your friend, I would make it subtley known you love her, and don't think the sun shines out of his arse, but don't be too negative. Let her know that sometimes women move on from relationships with liars. Try and make sure she's on contraception. That's what my good friends did, and I got out.

Mulhollandmagoo · 10/10/2019 20:42

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post, was that he doesn't actually bother seeing his child but wanted to save face and has spun your friend a line! I would imagine his daughter will be knocking on his door in a few years time looking for answers. By which point your friend will have wasted her best years on him, so maybe it is worth a delicate chats with her?

madcatladyforever · 10/10/2019 20:44

My first husband was not allowed to see his son at all until he was 18 as he was mentally unstable and prone to fits of violence and had a long history of breaking court orders. They eventually tired of his bullshit and banned all contact.
I totally believe my ex would have been one of those crazies that would have wiped out his entire family if he'd been allowed access to either of us.

justanotherworkingmum · 10/10/2019 20:52

Friend has been trying to see his DD for about 2 years, his Ex has stopped access, despite court rulings. He has gone along with legal advice to not push things for the sake of his DD so as not add to the drama and is waiting patiently for the courts to make a final decision.
Professionals involved have acknowledged Ex is manipulating his DD (who is only 7 poor thing) and she has behaved outrageously even in court.
If you met him and he said he didn't see his DD at the moment, you may judge him for that, but it truly wouldn't be for want of trying.

loooosir · 10/10/2019 21:01

He has gone along with legal advice to not push things for the sake of his DD so as not add to the drama It's funny that only men ever appear to get this sort of advice from solicitors?

If I was being kept from seeing my kids, I would move heaven and earth, beg borrow or steal to get the funds for a SHL, it would be my only hobby. Friends would stop talking to me, because it would be my only topic of conversation. My first and last thought every day.

It's funny how these things do drag, for some men.

loooosir · 10/10/2019 21:02

And I'd be working all hours to pay for SHL, and attending any possible contact, even supervised, and whatever hours were demanded, jumping through whatever hoops.

I would never decide seeing my kid was too difficult, never feel I was creating drama just wanting contact. I would never give up. Never walk away.

That's what a parent does.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 21:15

Just thought of another possible factor - if he was unfaithful, maybe ex didn't want him upsetting the kids with a new partner?

For sure he's not telling the whole story, and most likely totally lying.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 10/10/2019 22:17

There probably are rare exceptions but literally every guy I have known who says they are not allowed to see their children/have been alienated from their children by the mother have been lying abusive narcissistic wankers. Especially those that slag off the mum and generally treat women terribly.

It's very rare the courts deny access without very good reason. They often lie about paying CM too.

I suspect your friend is with one of these dickheads but she will be unlikely to listen to you as they are often very good at manipulation. All you can do is be there for her when the penny finally drops and it goes tits up.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 22:26

I'm more inclined to think that he has never really taken anything to do with the child. He has no photos of her at all. Which is something another friend and I thought was strange, especially at the beginning of the relationship when he lived himself.
I will probably never know, just wanted peoples experience of whether there could be an element of truth to his story.
The fact the childs mother contacted my friend, makes me think he doesn't pay any maintenance at all, and he is lying to my friend. What reason would she have to contact if she doesn't want him to have anything to do with the child, but still gets the money she is due.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 22:26

Try and make sure she's on contraception.

Much too late for that I'm afraid.

OP posts:
loooosir · 10/10/2019 22:29

Much too late for that I'm afraid.

Ah, well. She'll find out for herself, then. If he's done it once, he'll do it again.

jaffacakesaremyfave · 10/10/2019 22:46

Yeah the lack of pictures is a big giveaway and the ex contacting your friend and not her ex says alot I think.

These men are often abusive and they recklessly create children without any intention of taking care of them. They lack any empathy and use the sob story to attract new victims. Could you do Claire's law on him? I wouldnt be surprised if theres a very good reason he isn't allowed access.

I stopped my abusive exH from having contact with our DC. He never paid maintenance but will tell anyone who will listen that I'm an evil bitch who denied him access and turned his DC against him. If only his new victim knew the truth. Claire's law would reveal alot!

Minai · 10/10/2019 22:52

My sister’s abusive ex had supervised access at a contact centre which was later stopped as he failed multiple drug tests and displayed erratic behaviour. He was given so many chances to change and he didn’t. I can’t believe they even allowed him supervised access.

If you asked any of his mates he would say he’s an amazing dad and my sister is a psycho who won’t let him see his kid.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2019 23:13

loooosir

Its far too easy to say all of that when you have never been through it.

loooosir · 10/10/2019 23:15

Its far too easy to say all of that when you have never been through it.

Who says I haven't? I was a mug. I believed 'she doesn't let me see him!' These men do it over and over.

Stuckinarut81 · 10/10/2019 23:17

My dd2’s father has a zero contact order. He was horrendously abusive in really extreme ways, and the court deemed that he would be likely to harm dd in a similar way if allowed contact. It is very rare that they are given out though, one barrister I had cited a case where the father had murdered the mother of the children and still got access.

Kinda worried that this guy is my ex!

Stuckinarut81 · 10/10/2019 23:18

Although he doesn’t pay any maintenance, but he’d be likely to pretend that he did.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2019 23:20

Who says I haven't? I was a mug. I believed 'she doesn't let me see him!' These men do it over and over.

So you haven't been through the courts, the repeated mediation, the visits where your child suddenly has something else to do or someone to see etc. etc?

From what I can tell you are just seeing it from the side of the woman who dated a prick.

loooosir · 10/10/2019 23:27

Sorry, I was thinking you were responding to the post just before yours. Rather than me saying I'd fight for my kids.

My story is complicated, but I've had to jump through those sorts of hoops for one of my kids, and work with social services, yes. And I get how soul destroying it is. But they're your kids. It's not ok to walk away and give up, unless you accept that you're an inadequate parent, at which point you don't blame the other parent, you take responsibility for yourself.

OwlBeThere · 10/10/2019 23:32

There’s a difference between the court denying access, and the resident parent refusing to play ball.
My ex’s ex refused to allow him court mandated contact. She did it for so long and we went back and fore to court to be told access would have to be supervised as he didn’t know his dad anymore. She still refused to bring him and this went on for so long that he Was then old enough to have his opinion taken into consideration by which point his mind had been well and truly poisoned against his dad, his siblings and me. It’s only now he has got back in touch at 18.its really sad and wrong but it happens

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