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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What reasons would there be for a father not being allowed access?

91 replies

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 17:58

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who has a child he claims he isn't allowed to see. Apparently the child's mother won't allow access, yet he pays quite a large amount of child maintenance every month. He also claims this has been through the courts and the mother "got her way".
My question is, could this be the case? Or is my friend being taken for a mug?
Side note: This guy has been caught lying quite a few times so I'm thinking this story is lies aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:23

Another thing that bothered me was, the childs mother actually contacted my friend a few years ago, asking her to ask him to get in contact. She ignored it though Hmm

OP posts:
familycourtq · 10/10/2019 18:23

I know a father who went to court to try to get contact but his children were teenagers and didn’t want to see him so he has no contact. It does depend on age and the views of the child too - older children have their wishes respected.

RottenTomatoes959 · 10/10/2019 18:24

My dad wasnt allowed any contact yet paid hefty maintenance.
Hes an unconvincted paedophile.

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 18:25

Maintenance has to legally be paid. If the Mother contacted CMS then it’s likely it’s just taken directly from his salary each month. Paying maintenance means nothing, it doesn’t make him a great guy.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:27

Oh and I completely agree that a father should pay maintenance whether he sees a child or not. Infact it was something my frie nd said about him having to pay maintenance that hit a nerve with me and got me wondering about the whole situation all over again.

OP posts:
zafferana · 10/10/2019 18:28

That's horrendous @TractorTartofThigh. How can that be in the DC's interest????

My guess OP would be that either he's an abuser or he has no interest in seeing his DC, but thinks rather than saying that it's better to say that he's 'not allowed'. Either way, he's a cunt.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:30

What happens if they are self employed, would it still be taken or do they have to make the payment themselves?

OP posts:
Cleverplayonwords · 10/10/2019 18:31

If the court has ruled there is to be no contact then I'd assume that the father had been deemed a risk to the child. I'd be wary of this man.

Original poster
Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:31

zafferana

Yes, I actually can't stand him to be perfectly honest. Which I thought may be clouding my judgement and making me think the worst of him.

OP posts:
familycourtq · 10/10/2019 18:32

Depending on the flavour of self employment it’s likely he’d have to make the payments himself but they could be the subject of a court order.

ColaFreezePop · 10/10/2019 18:32

With your update OP, it is clear he's lying.

He just can't be bothered to step up and see his child on a regular basis.

megletthesecond · 10/10/2019 18:33

My XP doesn't see the dc's and he's always paid maintenance. It happens. Nothing to do with the courts.

familycourtq · 10/10/2019 18:33

The fact is as shown by the range of posts - every case is different and we have no way of knowing if he’s lying or not.

heyjoeyitsestelle · 10/10/2019 18:34

Depends if he's been ordered no contact by court or by the mother.
I know someone who has gone to court 3 times as each time the mother just refuses to abide by the contact order. And sadly- there isn't much he can do

NailsNeedDoing · 10/10/2019 18:38

I wouldn't be too quick to think he's lying, I've known a few mothers that have unreasonably withheld contact.

Sometimes, it is because the bloke is an arsehole and she doesn't want to see him anymore. Not because he was abusive in any way or because he'd be a bad father, but simply because life is easier without the ex in it, despite how cruel and damaging that is to both the child and the parent they aren't allowed to see.

Hidingbehindclouds · 10/10/2019 18:40

My goodness, there is an incredible amount of naivety regarding family court. My partner doesn't see his daughter any more, due to a combination of false accusations from her mother, (and I know they are false because I was present at the time of alleged incidents), and eventually running out of money as she had access to legal aid and he did not. Every visit to court costs hundreds of pounds. Solicitors cost hundreds of pounds. The pot soon gets emptied. She could come up with new accusations every day and it would all be free for her yet it cost us thousands. Completely unfair system.

zafferana · 10/10/2019 18:40

What's really depressing is the number of women who believe these dead beat dads and aren't bothered that the person they share their life with has abandoned his kids. I know there are women who deliberately obstruct access, but I don't actually know any. I do, however, know women whose exes have fucked off and abandoned their DC - they're not that uncommon. Many of them don't pay a penny either.

mummmy2017 · 10/10/2019 18:51

He may have been dragged through the courts to pay maintenance.
So to punish the ex for doing this he never sees the child.
In his eyes it would be she won't let him see the child, in her eyes it could have been a few hours at a go and he said no weekends or nothing, so she said nothing.

PumpkinP · 10/10/2019 18:55

Abuse I imagine?

My ex isn’t allowed to see my children any more as he walks in and out once a year. He literally sees them a few times and walks away every single time. He goes for years no seeing them. The last time he saw them he seen them once then left again so now I won’t be allowing him again if he does ever bother again. He wouldn’t take me to court though so I don’t have to worry about that.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 19:36

I think that if he was allowed access due to being so abusive, then he most probably wouldn't have said he wasn't allowed access by the court. He'd probably have said his ex was xyz and refused him access. He wouldn't have wanted to admit he'd been barred. And as people have said, he'd have to be exceptionally bad not even to have supervised contact.

I think the bugger isn't paying and has disappeared. I think he's abandoned them and not been in the child's life.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 19:59

Typo - if he wasn't allowed access due to being so abusive

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 20:00

He does sound low-grade horrible though. Definitely creative with the truth. And who knows what happens not in front of friends? :(

Bacardi101 · 10/10/2019 20:02

My children were abused by their ‘father’ he doesn’t deserve to be called that in my mind and yet the court will still allow access. For them to allow no access at all it has to be very serious sustained abuse

MrsDilligaf · 10/10/2019 20:13

An ex of mine has two children. He hasn't been allowed to see them in years and when we were together he had been paying maintenance for them constantly and at a higher rate than ordered to because he wanted to make sure they wanted for nothing.

There was no reason for him not to see his children, aside from the fact that his ex wife refused to allow it. He didn't want to drag his children into a row, so kept in very limited contact with them via their aunt.

It was absolutely heartbreaking for his family who were desperate to see them and to include the children in their family.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to it.

TilandPop · 10/10/2019 20:17

My ex doesn’t see the DC but pays maintenance, due to DV.

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