To be gutted by the implication of this book?

[scattercushion]

I am reading The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read by Phillipa Perry, (Grayson's wife) and it keeps making me cry because essentially she's saying that any emotional problems your child has is down to you.

I have an extremely anxious teenager who is very unhappy at the moment. She struggles to make friends and then struggles to keep them. She worries that she smells. She worries about the cleanliness of our house and whether it will make her ill (this really touched a nerve as I try to keep the house/kitchen fairly tidy and I grew up in an extremely messy/dirty house and felt ashamed of it). When one worry subsides another flares up. It's constant. The quality of her life is affected. She's going to be referred to Camhs.

I try and try and try with her. I honestly do and have done everything I can think of to help - I go to workshops, have bought books to help me and to read with her, have tried mindfulness etc etc. Everything. I try to be encouraging, supportive, understanding, gentle.

Context: She had a difficult birth and cried non-stop for six months. I don't know if these two are related.
She has always been highly sensitive - not just emotionally but to flavours, smells, textures etc.
She has always struggled with friendships.
I've wondered about autism but she doesn't tick many of those boxes on the Cambridge University online test.

So my question is: Is it really my fault?
I get that Perry is talking about the patterns of behaviour that we pass on from our parents, but my parents were emotionally neglectful (mum was an alcoholic and very depressed) and I am actively trying to avoid repeating these patterns. But I've still ended up with a very unhappy daughter. Please tell me that the book does not speak the truth?

Sounds like you’d be better off reading that book “your highly sensitive child” (can’t remember exact title but amazon will bring it up. The sensitivity to sounds and flavours etc is classic

Sounds like she ticks a lot of spectrum traits for a girl OP.

I’d push ahead with the camhs - I’ve looked at sensory processing, dyspraxia, adhd, asd, ocd in my girls and there are so many overlapping traits that you do need professional help to decipher what’s what.

The only common thread I’ve found is the various things all respond extremely well to firm routines.

I would separate the Autism from the anxiety / MH stuff here

Much easier said than done, anxiety is a driver for autism, lessen the anxiety and it lessens the behaviour perceived as being autistic. Repetition is also part of autism plus autism is rarely found on its own, much more likely to have other overlapping conditions as mentioned above called co-morbids.

The less you try to define what could be autism and what could be something else at this stage, the easier you'll find things. Otherwise you just tie yourself in knots trying to match some behaviours to some conditions.

Assessment is often done by a team of experts who are very aware of the differences and overlaps in a lot of conditions. Autism, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Sensory processing, PDA, ADHD, ADD and others all have individual presentations as well as many commonalities.

She sounds like my dd who was diagnosed with autism at 10yo. We had to see a specialist because the regular evaluations simply aren’t designed for “high functioning” girls. I put high functioning in quotes because it’s a complicated subject.

Beyond that. My dd and I are very alike. She is growing up in a living stable home and has parents who are fighting to get her resources. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic for a father and parents who basically left me to fend for myself because they were wrapped up in their own problems. I’m sure dd will grow up with her own parental baggage because everyone does, but if you are sitting there reading parenting books occasionally, I highly doubt you are not doing your best For your child.