To be gutted by the implication of this book?

[scattercushion]

I am reading The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read by Phillipa Perry, (Grayson's wife) and it keeps making me cry because essentially she's saying that any emotional problems your child has is down to you.

I have an extremely anxious teenager who is very unhappy at the moment. She struggles to make friends and then struggles to keep them. She worries that she smells. She worries about the cleanliness of our house and whether it will make her ill (this really touched a nerve as I try to keep the house/kitchen fairly tidy and I grew up in an extremely messy/dirty house and felt ashamed of it). When one worry subsides another flares up. It's constant. The quality of her life is affected. She's going to be referred to Camhs.

I try and try and try with her. I honestly do and have done everything I can think of to help - I go to workshops, have bought books to help me and to read with her, have tried mindfulness etc etc. Everything. I try to be encouraging, supportive, understanding, gentle.

Context: She had a difficult birth and cried non-stop for six months. I don't know if these two are related.
She has always been highly sensitive - not just emotionally but to flavours, smells, textures etc.
She has always struggled with friendships.
I've wondered about autism but she doesn't tick many of those boxes on the Cambridge University online test.

So my question is: Is it really my fault?
I get that Perry is talking about the patterns of behaviour that we pass on from our parents, but my parents were emotionally neglectful (mum was an alcoholic and very depressed) and I am actively trying to avoid repeating these patterns. But I've still ended up with a very unhappy daughter. Please tell me that the book does not speak the truth?

I’d be wary of getting a run of the mill person who is used to presentation in boys. I would research someone who is an expert in assessing girls and go down that path.

Your not even the first person on MN to start a thread about this book. This is a book written by someone who makes their living from the idea that we are born into the world like blank slates and everything thereafter is someone else's fault. The more we learn about genetics the more suspect this premise seems.

Yes, if you subject your child to an an environment that is emotionally hostile you can fuck up their mental health. But if you are just a run of the mill, flawed but kind parent who considers the wellbeing of their child in their day to day life, it's genetics. Now step away from the book.

Alphanumerical - prism of self-blame is spot on. It's so tempting to be a pattern-detector, always searching for the cause. Maybe that's because typically, if you find the cause, then the case is solved but this doesn't work for human beings!

I read it and like many PPs I agreed with some parts and not others. It has informed me with regards to patience and communication and has kept me sane throughout some difficult periods. However, whilst it is helpful to look at childhood in terms of your own parenting style, there are other factors that can influence you and your relationship with your child. OP you sound like you are doing all you can and I agree with PPs that you should go easy on yourself. Best of luck X

We found CAHMS really helpful and were lucky in that we didn't have to wait too long. DD was only 8 though. But I think she has forgotten some of the techniques they taught her and she's fallen into some unhelpful habits lately which she and I are talking about. I had a book which I lent to a friend and didn't get it back about helping your anxious child, and am currently using a book based around dealing with intrusive thoughts. The authors suggest people who haven't necessary been diagnosed with OCD might also find it helpful. It's based on CBT principles which I think CAHMS use too.
The key obsession my DD has is also around germs, contamination, etc. It is very common. But despite it being a common source of anxiety, that doesn't mean it's ok to live with the behaviours around trying to manage intrusive thoughts. I think you are right to seek help as it can be eased with the right advice.

I like your post very much, Baguetteaboutit. Too long for a t-shirt slogan but I've copied and pasted it because I think it's very, very perceptive.

yes. Shitty parenting can cause behavioural problems. But good parenting doesnt equal perfectly happy well rounded mentally healthy kids. If only it were that simple.
And neurodiversity issues are hard wired, not behavioural.

Just imagine what a mess she would be if you were a shit parent. You talk, you support, you are taking time to understand and to help her negotiate her way through the world. Thats GOOD parenting.

OP - FWIW you sound like a really lovely parent, who is trying very hard indeed. Lots of good advice here and reassurance. No, the book is not speaking the truth. Things are not all black and white like that. And you sound like you are doing absolutely everything you can, so please give yourself a break and keep on being a wonderful mum to your daughter

Baguette - am stepping away! I'm going to have to check out the other threads, I did think Perry was being a bit 'tabula rasa' ish.

Dyspraxia overlaps autism in some of the things you describe.

Nettletea - I have wondered that but then in my usual magnificently self-flagellating way have thought maybe if I'd been more breezy and dismissive with her then she wouldn't be so focused on anxiety...? Gah, I'm annoying myself now.

I hate these books, they're just another way to make mothers (because let's face it, very few fathers are reading them) feel bad about themselves. All of us, every single one, are parenting the best we can with the choices and information available to us at any given time. Parenting techniques fall in and out of fashion but the parents of the time were doing what they thought was best as it was part of the mainstream at that time. I've no doubt my DC will one day look back in horror at some of the things that are the norm now and I'll be left a list of instructions for how to take care of the grandchild so they are spared from my out dated, reckless, childcare techniques.

Bin the book, OP.

There's some great advice here on autism in girls and I definitely think it's an avenue wirth exploring.

Teenplus - dyspraxia is a possibility, she is quite clumsy. She's borderline dyslexic too.

have thought maybe if I'd been more breezy and dismissive with her then she wouldn't be so focused on anxiety.

No, not sure how many kids you have but most parents will tell you that you can parent them all the same but they will have different issues. I’m not sure how a lot of these things (in books) point to the parents when one child can be typical and another patented the same way is not?

I didn't get beyond the first chapter.

I had a wonderful childhood (and early adulthood). My parents were not perfect human beings but were exemplary parents and I felt this book wanted me to find fault where there just isn't any?

I also feel it is hugely dismissive / in denial of children with additional needs (particularly emotional needs).

Just imagine what a mess she would be if you were a shit parent. You talk, you support, you are taking time to understand and to help her negotiate her way through the world. Thats GOOD parenting.

This is so true.

When DS2 was diagnosed with autism, it was by the same team who diagnosed DS1. I had a bit of a wobble about it to the clinical lead, was it my fault, did I cause this, the usual stuff. And she told me that based on their observations and the tests, the boys' cognitive abilities, etc that they would expect a far higher level of behavioural issues and vulnerabilities than what they did find. She said that they've been so well supported by our parenting and early interventions, without us even knowing that's what we were doing, that they are functioning at a much higher level than she would have expected to see.

I'd definitely check out dyspraxia too if she is clumsy. It seems to me a number of these things overlap like a Venn Diagram.

I wanted to thank you for starting this thread op. I am of no help to you with your situation, but I read that book (I have a 2 year old). My parents weren't brilliant and I have worked hard to ensure I am not like either of them, however after reading that book I became terrified of fucking it all up. Reading some of these comments has helped immensely to 'step away' from the book.

Personally I think a difficult birth has more impact on child development than is even currently acknowledged.

If your first experience of life is traumatic that is the foundation of how you perceive the world.

The thing is, based on the things that experts tell us we should/ shouldn't be doing, parenting generally has got better (less physical discipline, more "let's talk about your feelings" etc) but children are getting unhappier and conditions like anxiety are massively on the rise. Therefore parenting can't be wholly to blame or if it is, it's because what experts are telling us is good parenting, actually isn't.

I was exactly the same as your DD at her age, this week age 53 I have been diagnosed Autistic.

Venger - It's heartening to think that I may have actually helped my dd with all this. It's laughable actually thinking of everything I've done. The latest additions to the arsenal are a soothing light that glows in time with deep breathing exercises and diffuser reeds with the 'calm' fragrance. If in doubt, Avon knows best. New slogan for them.

For what it's worth, I have serious mental health problems and amazing parents. I think we are all a mix of nature and nurture and nurture doesn't just come from our parents - we are exposed to all sorts at school, in the wider world, everything. Don't blame yourself. I bet your DD is really glad she has you for support.

Bless you-of course it’s not your fault. We blame ourselves for everything but a child’s anxiety, in whatever form in shows itself, comes from within & all you can do is support her through it. Throw your book away!
I’m a teacher and have seen the most anxious parents with incredibly laid back children and vice versa.
You sound like you’re doing all you can to support your dd. She will get through it.

Soulrunner - or what about the stigma around mental health is waning, thus it's more acceptable to admit to anxiety etc? Children may not be getting unhappier, they may just be allowed to say how they feel if it's anything other than tip-top.