To be gutted by the implication of this book?

[scattercushion]

I am reading The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read by Phillipa Perry, (Grayson's wife) and it keeps making me cry because essentially she's saying that any emotional problems your child has is down to you.

I have an extremely anxious teenager who is very unhappy at the moment. She struggles to make friends and then struggles to keep them. She worries that she smells. She worries about the cleanliness of our house and whether it will make her ill (this really touched a nerve as I try to keep the house/kitchen fairly tidy and I grew up in an extremely messy/dirty house and felt ashamed of it). When one worry subsides another flares up. It's constant. The quality of her life is affected. She's going to be referred to Camhs.

I try and try and try with her. I honestly do and have done everything I can think of to help - I go to workshops, have bought books to help me and to read with her, have tried mindfulness etc etc. Everything. I try to be encouraging, supportive, understanding, gentle.

Context: She had a difficult birth and cried non-stop for six months. I don't know if these two are related.
She has always been highly sensitive - not just emotionally but to flavours, smells, textures etc.
She has always struggled with friendships.
I've wondered about autism but she doesn't tick many of those boxes on the Cambridge University online test.

So my question is: Is it really my fault?
I get that Perry is talking about the patterns of behaviour that we pass on from our parents, but my parents were emotionally neglectful (mum was an alcoholic and very depressed) and I am actively trying to avoid repeating these patterns. But I've still ended up with a very unhappy daughter. Please tell me that the book does not speak the truth?

Out of curiosity, why do parents seem so relieved to find out it's genetics rather than their parenting that are the cause of their child's issues?
Genetics are also very much the parent's 'fault'...

You have control over your actions, you have a choice of how you treat your child.

In general, you don't have control over which genes you give your offspring unless there's a recognised pattern within your family which you may possibly be advised about if TTC.

OP I have just finished this book; when I say finished I literally had to stop reading and go to the last few chapters on teens/older children etc. as I found it very upsetting.

Just reading your OP has given me anxiety because of this book - it made me feel that I had literally ruined my children's lives (they are now late teens). I also bought 10 Things Girls Need Most by Steve Biddulph at the same time and found I hadn't provided any of those things.

I have been a fan of this type of self help book for the last 5 years but all its done is made me more unhappy. So I have decided not to buy any more.

That’s possibly true of adults but children show rather than tell how they feel. I’m sure there’s an element of diagnosis but I still think MH issues are massively on the rise. I think the reasons are complex though- social inequality, time poor families, social pressures, social media, community breakdown, lack of personal freedom, probably some environmental factors.

I agree.

I don’t think you can blame all of your problems on your parents. Even in scenarios where parents have been horrible it doesn’t always result in unhappy children (long term at any rate). I think it’s more the case that most people are easy to screw up. And most people who are screwed up are that way because of their upbringing. But some people are inherently resilient and parental abuse doesn’t affect them while others are inherently over sensitive and won’t cope that well even if their parents are perfect. I think the later category are particularly difficult to deal with. I was more that way inclined myself but through a combination of luck and parental guidance I grew out of it.

Speaking as someone who had anxiety and suicidal thoughts at a very young age, yes my parents and the way I was brought up definitely contributed to making it worse. I don’t think base anxiety can be learned - some people are just born anxious / sensitive - but where there’s a household that focusses on things that make some of their children’s mental wellbeing worse existing problems can become much, much worse. So in a way, yes parents do have a vital role to play in reducing stress / anxiety in kids.

Chuck the book in your recycling bin.

Forget everything you’ve read.

Keep on helping your DD and being a great mum. Try to find little things that make you both relaxed and happy. I think everything you have been trying is great. I have a DD 13 prone to worrying (my other two are completely chilled out and a bit lazy) she sleeps with lots of cuddly toys and special blankets, a story cd on repeat (Paddington Bear very simple sweet stuff). No social media. I try to make her laugh every day, lots of silly stuff. We watch comedies, get some fresh air everyday. I encourage her to tell me about her day and vent frustrations from school etc, get it out. Your DD may be older and have more problems right now but I wanted to post in case it helped.

Please throw the book away!

Reading through the posts since mine appeared, the message I will take away is that although yes there is probably a lot of truth in it, the book in the OP is particularly upsetting for some reason and is often being read by people for whom any of the helpful tips therein are too little too late - so not only do you read how crap you are, you realise that there is now very little you can do to resolve it.

Your dd sounds very similar to mine, my dd has a diagnosis of Aspergers and suffers extreme anxiety, it’s almost like she’s looking for things to worry about. At times I blame myself and her upbringing, her dad is obviously on the spectrum too and dd was not allowed to get dirty or make any mess when he lived with us, she’s the double of him, full of anxiety, not outgoing and pretty lazy. I try very hard to make her happy, to be there when she’s anxious and to comfort her but it’s hard, she’s always been hard work (horrible baby, never wanted anyone near her), all we can do is our best with our children, I can say I have tried bloody hard to do what’s right but we are all human and we all make some mistakes.

Hi OP. You sound like an amazing Mum and your DD is very lucky to have you. I do think it's too 'black and white' for people to say 'throw the book away' to be honest. I understand it must be hard to read but (speaking as someone with experience of attachment trauma) I would suggest that the book might have actually triggered your own feelings about your childhood and being the adult child of an alcoholic. This would be completely natural and understandable.

I've read the book and resonated with much of it but not all. Either way I don't think it should be dismissed out of hand but I would try not to take what she says personally as an affront to your parenting. You have done your absolute best and love your DD.

A couple of thoughts I had from reading your post:

1. Did you ever have any form of therapy yourself as an adult? If not it might genuinely be a great support. There are also lots of really helpful books and videos from a lady who specialises in work with adult children of alcoholics (she was one and is a mum) called Lisa A Romano on YouTube which you may find of interest. She does videos about raising your own children.

1. I would separate the Autism from the anxiety / MH stuff here- as in as far as I'm aware there's no suggestion that Autism occurs due to attachment trauma.

I bought that book a few months ago and just didn't get on with it at all, which surprised me given the positive reviews on Amazon. I gave up after a few pages, and am quite relieved I did reading some of the feedback on this thread.

Bin this book!

Read Paranoid Parenting by Frank Furedi instead. Not a parenting guide but a critique of contemporary parenting. So refreshing. I couldn't put it down.

If the author had had 2 children she wouldn’t have written it.

Not much to add but wanted to say CAMHs was useless at addressing our concerns about autism in our 6 year old girl. I'm almost certain it's aspergers (and after much reading I believe I may have it too, which would explain a lot!). However despite her struggles she has been labeled as anxious (just like me) and when I said my piece I was told "it can't be autism because she makes good eye contact". I went home and printed out article after article pointing out many girls are missed due to them being able to mask and make better eye contact. They listened but told me there was no point putting her forward as she simply wouldn't get the diagnosis. I thought about going private but we just don't have 3k to spend and I'd be terrified she still wouldn't get it. Sorry I know that's a bit of a downer and maybe you would have more luck but for us CAMHs was a dead end.

OP, I haven’t read the full thread (sorry) but your teenage daughter sounds very like my sister as a teenager when her OCD was just surfacing. In my family there’s a very very clear genetic link: my mum, aunt and uncle each have a child with the same severe mental illness, and each family had completely different parenting styles. I am absolutely certain that the mental health problems suffered by my sister and cousins are not down to parenting. Pretty sure there’s one in my parents’ generation and was one in my grandmother’s family (the most extraordinarily nice and astonishingly intelligent people you can imagine) too. I’ll be on the lookout for signs of the same illness in my children as they reach puberty.

In any other species we consider parents to be doing a good job of it if they manage to keep most of their young alive until maturity without abandoning them to the wolves or accidentally eating them; I think on the whole we can be far too harsh on human parents!

There is a lot of overlap between the symptoms of autism and ADHD. Hypersensitivity and social problems can be part of ADHD. Many girls and women are misdiagnosed and/or go on to develop comorbidities such as anxiety and depression.

Look up how ADHD –particularly inattentive ADHD –presents in women and girls. This might be a useful resource to begin with: www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/

Many girls and women with ADHD develop sophisticated coping mechanisms, so symptoms may not immediately be obvious.

Obviously I know very little about your daughter and this may not describe her at all, but I'm sharing the info in case it's useful x

I will definitely be avoiding that book

Lots of great advice, I admit I haven't RTFT

My DS (14) struggles emotionally, having a tough time at the mo, he's very sensitive and a bit of a loner (in a school where sporting prowess is a very big deal)

I blame myself all the time, but at the end of the day, he is my son and life hasn't been a bed of roses for me either [shrugs]

I gave the book a whirl.

Hated it. I completely agree with those posters pointing out that she has one child, and the implication that she has the time and energy to indulge in navel gazing, along with the lack of perspective into how the exact same parenting in the exact same environment can result in completely different personalities and life trajectories.

I am not going to beat myself up for not being perfect. I refuse to even subscribe to the idea that a parent - a mother to be precise - should be perfect. We all do the best we can with what we are given. I suspect most of us hope and pray that our offspring won't ever become novelists.

The idea that this woman is making money from piling guilt on other women does not sit well.

OP, I think you should have your DD assessed for autism and also OCD tendencies.

There are so many reasons for all our quirks. For instance, loads of medicine papers written on the link between OCD and strep throat.

Sounds like a very unhelpful book.

All parents make mistakes.

But every human is inherently flawed - parents and children.

My family bears testament that sometimes the best, wisest, most loving parents produce the most messed up kid, and sometimes rubbish parents turn out well-balanced wonders.

Can anyone work out what her actual qualifications are? There are psychotherapists and there are psychotherapist IYKWIM

I think the book is poorly written and written in such a way to cause a bit of a stir so she can sell more books. She doesn’t care that it will upset people. Its patronizing and preachy and doesn’t tell you anything new.
I think she comes across as arrogant.
I couldn’t read all the book though.

I think a lot of these posts are from the perspective of parents / mothers feeling 'got at' and criticised by this book. No mother who is doing her absolute best should be criticised as it's the toughest job in the world and today's parenting is even more complex. So although that's a natural response I do think the book tells a lot of truths, (although I didn't agree with 100%). I think it's right that we should be aware of our own upbringings and how that impacted on our behaviour growing up and as adults. I also think it's beneficial to take responsibility to understand our own attachment styles. For those of us who suffered attachment trauma it's incredibly important to analyse and understand our own parents' way of doing things in order to see how it may or may not have shaped us and how we manage our own adult relationships and as parents ourselves. If anything, learning to understand these patterns of behaviour actually de-personalised it, because you can learn that everyone was trying their best, even if, for example, our own parents' generation may not have had the tools or emotional articulacy that we like to think we understand better these days. I don't see that we should feel threatened by Perry's book, or slate her for 'only' having one child. As others have said being a mum (to even one child) and nurturing your children to adulthood healthy is a feat in itself so let's not tear down another mum who's clearly done her best.

There are I believe insights for us all in the book if we can be open hearted to this perspective and read it at face value as something designed to encourage us up be aware of our programmed responses to situations in order to be the best we can be for ourselves as people and as mothers to our DC. We are none of us perfect and society shouldn't imply we should be. But we are human and can continue to learn about ourselves throughout life.

I wish I’d considered my genes more before having kids - we considered only what we were like as adults, and didn’t think about our parents and siblings and whether there might be genetic issues lurking there.

I don’t think it’s a bad call to say consider your whole gene pool but without better gene analysis with decent probability, I don’t know how much it’d help you.

Future generations may have access to better info than we do, we are in the infancy or at least the toddler years of genetic predictions where there is little accuracy.

So we know autism is 80% hereditary based on latest research I saw, but not the likelihood based on the number of diagnoses on both sides etc