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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my DP tried to put a spider in my mouth

136 replies

Spidermouth · 10/10/2019 09:48

OK, so this is probably going to sound nuts so I'll give a bit of background.
I have arachnophobia, I'm getting better at dealing with it and can often now be in the same room as a spider but still can't touch them. I'm early 40s so have had lots of time to work on this phobia that I accept is irrational.

I love my DP dearly, we've been together 8 years or so but we've had our problems. I don't want to dig her out but it's important for context I believe to know a tiny bit of our history.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things. During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me. I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.

Anyway, onto the incident.

I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home. I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed. BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth.

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit.

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil.

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall. She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not?

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks.

OP posts:
SpamChaudFroid · 10/10/2019 14:16

Children are much easier to abuse and gaslight than adults, so much more malleable. The effects of having a mother like that will most likely result in a mentally unwell human being, because they were created by a sociopath and a man who would selfishly put his own needs first so he doesn't "miss out".

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 10/10/2019 14:19

For the love whatever deity you believe in, or even the ones you don't, please do not have children with this woman.

You have plenty of time, as a male, to find someone and have a child. Your self esteem will know no bounds when you leave her. You'll find someone and probably have children. And even if you don't, it'll be a damn sight better than living with an lying, cheating piece of shit. The spider thing is an issue given your phobia but everything else is just a million times worse.

haverhill · 10/10/2019 14:22

You have to leave. You just have to. She's horrible. You can't have kids with such a sadistic and dishonest person. It would be tantamount to abusive.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:27

Oh i read the OP as being a female in a gay relationship. Are you male OP?

Don't have kids with this twisted woman. If she treats you like this what's to say she'll not treat a child badly too?

Damntheman · 10/10/2019 14:29

OP says "I'm a big boy" in the original post at least so male was my assumption.

Original poster
spidermouth · 10/10/2019 14:36

Are you male OP?

I did think so but after reading all of these comments and then checking if I had any balls it appears that maybe I'm not :)

OP posts:
Redglitter · 10/10/2019 14:37

Whatever she has done to me she would not ever hurt a dog

You need to reread that. You're saying your partner treats the dog better than she treats you.

What on earth do you get from this (very abusive) relationship

madcatladyforever · 10/10/2019 14:39

Dump her at once she is mental. Go and find a decent woman who doesn't shag other people and mess with your head !!!

RolytheRhino · 10/10/2019 14:40

I did think so but after reading all of these comments and then checking if I had any balls it appears that maybe I'm not

Hey, don't go belittling yourself like that.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:42

Your name change means many posters wont easily see your posts OP.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:44

The main reason i asked was to do with body clock and kids. Being male you have plenty of time to back away from this relationship and find someone to be happy with and maybe start a family.

If you were a woman i'd still say don't have kids in this relationship with it wouldn't be fair on them. Even though the clock, if you were female, would be loudly ticking.

pooopypants · 10/10/2019 14:52

You say that you will stay because you 'don't want to miss out'. But you are missing out. On having a normal, healthy, happy relationship. Bringing children into this shitshow would be cruel and wrong and no child deserves a mother like that.

And I'm sorry, but NOBODY should be treated like shit because they 'don't fall in line'. You don't deserve any of this and she needs to leave. She isn't your problem to deal with - her escalating behaviour IS though. So nip it in the bud and get her the hell out. You've said that you can support your house on your salary - she's bringing fuck all to the table anyway.

She's abusive. End of.

notfromstepford · 10/10/2019 14:57

"You say that you will stay because you 'don't want to miss out'. But you are missing out. On having a normal, healthy, happy relationship. Bringing children into this shitshow would be cruel and wrong and no child deserves a mother like that."

^THIS^

You deserve better - much much better.

AmIThough · 10/10/2019 15:05

OP you've name changed. Put the capital S back!

You're not the problem here. We're all concerned for you. Nobody is trying to make you feel less of a man. We just want you to be safe and happy.

KurriKurri · 10/10/2019 15:07

If you can even contemplate that she might be putting spiders in your mouth, then you believe she is capable of it.
If she is doing it (and like everyone else, I think she probably is) she is a very strange person indeed.
Think hard about whether you really want to spend your life wondering whether someone is doing terrible things to you.
I hate to say it, but today spiders in your mouth tomorrow anti-freeze in your coffee.

zebrasdontwearbras · 10/10/2019 15:07

Spidermouth _ I'm telling you now, there is not a single person on this forum who will think it's a good idea to have children with this woman.

Posters here know only too well that there are far too people who have suffered emotional abuse from parents. The Stately Homes thread has already been mentioned.

If she will psychologically abuse you, then she is capable of psychologically abusing your children.

Most of us here are already mothers - we know the reality of parenthood. Children are hard work, some babies cry and don't sleep. Some toddlers tantrum all the time. Some children will wind you up and press all your buttons. Most children at some time or another, would try the patience of a saint.

This woman, who is so horrible to you, the planned father of her children - you think she'll deal with your children with the patience and kindness necessary? Or do you think there's a chance of her carrying out these petty, spiteful acts towards your child if they play up, or misbehave (which they will).

Writersblock2 · 10/10/2019 15:12

OP, you’re so much better than this. I’m sorry your self-esteem is low. I’m sorry you think the only option is to stay. It isn’t. Your future children deserve a mother who treats her partner with respect. That isn’t this woman.

Cecilandsnail · 10/10/2019 15:55

So you're taking this one single precious amazing life you've been given, this one single shot, and choosing to spunk it on a woman so batshit and who hates you that much that she'd chuck a spider in your arachnophobic mouth? How can you ever make peace with that decision?! Get the fuck outta dodge mate, or you'll be eating spider sandwiches in abject misery.

Greenkit · 10/10/2019 15:55

I could leave her and hope to try again but honestly, I'm early 40s and the chances of me missing out is a massive factor in why I am staying. It's either gamble on her or gamble on finding someone else and the truth is that my self esteem is not what it was 5 years ago.

I am 48 and my new partner is 52, we found each other after 29yr and 35yr marriages didn't work out. We are the happiest we have ever been so, yes get out and give life a chance

TanyaChix · 10/10/2019 16:04

OP, if you don’t behave as your partner likes, then she can choose to leave you of her own free will. Her staying but choosing to gaslight and belittle you is NOT a normal response to your behaviour and it isn’t one that is your fault / that you’ve caused.

TanyaChix · 10/10/2019 16:05

It really sounds like she is emotionally abusing you, OP and your self esteem is low enough to think it’s your fault or isn’t all that bad.

TanyaChix · 10/10/2019 16:07

You also say you’re a fighter but remember that you don’t have to prove you are strong by tolerating this disgusting behaviour as if it’s okay.

Purpleartichoke · 10/10/2019 16:12

Just the comment about the spider going in your mouth is cruel. Add it all together and this woman is emotionally abusing the OP.

Please find the strength to build a solo life. You absolutely deserve better.

penmanship · 10/10/2019 16:41

”I’m a fighter”

OP, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that staying in a toxic and abusive relationship makes you “strong” for persevering. Enduring abuse does not make you a fighter, in the same way that people who get out of abusive relationships are not weak or “quitters”.

Being a fighter is finding the strength to leave because you recognise that you deserve a respectful, healthy relationship.

If you do decide to stay with this psychopath, at the very least please DO NOT have children with her. It would be cruel to deliberately give an innocent child an evil, toxic mother.

FrangipaniBlue · 10/10/2019 17:02

See, before I got all the way through your post my first thought was "I bet the spider was about to drop/already was on you and she was holding you still so that you didn't jump and it would run away".

and when I got to the part about her saying it was going on your mouth tonight I actually laughed out loud because that's EXACTLY the kind of thing my DH would say to me completely in jest if a similar "removing spider from face when I was asleep" incident had happened to us......

BUT

we don't have any marital issues, neither of us has had affairs or cheated so in the context of your other information I don't know what to think!!!

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