AIBU to think that my DP tried to put a spider in my mouth

[Spidermouth]

OK, so this is probably going to sound nuts so I'll give a bit of background.
I have arachnophobia, I'm getting better at dealing with it and can often now be in the same room as a spider but still can't touch them. I'm early 40s so have had lots of time to work on this phobia that I accept is irrational.

I love my DP dearly, we've been together 8 years or so but we've had our problems. I don't want to dig her out but it's important for context I believe to know a tiny bit of our history.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things. During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me. I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.

Anyway, onto the incident.

I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home. I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed. BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth.

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit.

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil.

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall. She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not?

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks.

Her behaviour is chilling, actually. Abusive (lying, cheating) is one thing but she seems to have something else going on.

Do protect yourself.

I’m really speechless over this thread. Reading that you’re planning on having children with this monster is just so distressing - your poor children. I’m going to choose to believe this isn’t real as it’s just too upsetting to believe that 1) someone would let someone treat them like this and 2) that they’d actively try to have a child with someone like this, a child who will presumably suffer the same abuse or even worse. This is really horrific and heartbreaking.

Please seek help for your self-esteem and you'll have the strength to move on.

We don't have children and I know what's coming from everyone but it's been our plan for years. We haven't been able to afford on my salary alone but now she is finally working so we can start a family once she's eligible for maternity pay.

Then she gives up work again, I'll bet ti be a sahp?

Why would you do this a child? Have a child with an abusive woman?

Why would you think a child deserves that?

She’s a fucking psychopath.

I have arachnophobia and even just reading what you’ve written has made me feel sick and shaky and I’m now checking the walls obsessively, my DP wouldn’t dream of doing something so awful to me. I’m sorry to say but she clearly doesn’t like you at all.

What else is there to say other than you really should leave her? And honestly I’m not so certain you aren’t at risk with her she sounds unhinged and abusive to boot.

There's no good advice other than leave OP so I'm not sure what you were hoping to get from this.

There's literally nothing anyone can say to magically fix such a shitty relationship (sorry to be blunt).

I don't mean this harshly but you need to get some more self respect and leave this woman before you bring innocent children into this mess.

She treats you like shit OP because she can, and she'll continue to because you'll let her. But as long as you don't end up single thats alright isn't it? 🙄

Is she working at all or part time? I still don't see the point of living with someone unless you have children together. You can still have a relationship living separately and never combining finances.

@Bananalanacake what are you talking about? Why would you not live with someone before you have children?

Also bringing children into a relationship is this is disgusting.

Like this*

The thought of such a nasty woman having a child makes me feel very, very worried.

Also, if she was saving you from the spider, why would she have needed to put weight on your chest?

I still don't see the point of living with someone unless you have children together

Eh??? Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to have children with a partner they've never lived with?

I felt sorry for you at the start of this thread, but when you casually mentioned that you will stay and have children with this woman who is capable of treating someone she is supposed to love so appallingly my sympathy evaporated.

Do you know that there have been cases where parents have abused their children because the child remind them of relatives they despise? What if your child looks just like you? What if they inherit your mannerisms or the way you talk? It doesn’t matter that this woman treats your dog ok, a dog is very different to a child. How will you ever trust her with your most precious thing in the world?

You have many years of fertility ahead of you. Your future children deserve a better mother than this, regardless of your opinion on whether you deserve more in a partner.

You've said LTB isn't advice you want to hear, so I won't say it.

I will echo what PP have said about impregnating this woman. I grew up with a sociopathic mother, and it fucked me right in the head. Even now, at almost 50, I am still unable to make my peace with the cruelty and gaslighting. Don't force that onto an innocent child, you can be sure they too will get the spider in the mouth treatment. At some point, to make your own life easier, (because the constant EA has worn you down over the years) you'll back your partner up when your child tries to tell you about her mother's cruelty, "no silly, mummy was washing your face, not waterboarding you".

You don't see what her behaviour's like with the dog when you're not around. Although Hitler was apparently an animal lover.

Right now it makes more sense for me to stay put and I'm not in danger from her

You are. Emotionally and psychologically you've already been damaged by this woman and it is only going to get worse. The sort of danger you're in can be worse than physical danger. You absolutely need to leave as soon as you possibly can. Your entire relationship is fundamentally harmful.

Oh, and absolutely DO NOT have children with this woman. She will be as much a danger to them as she is to you.

You can’t seriously want to have children with her. If this is his she treats you what do you think she’ll do to your helpless children?

Do not have children with this woman! She clearly does not have a shred of empathy for you- what makes you think she would for a child? It's a recipe for emotional abuse.

I see what you mean, I think I'm bringing my personal thoughts into this, I've always loved my own space and never wanted to live with a man, then I had to live with my DP when we had a baby,( there is no way I'm doing all that on my own). What I'm getting at is all the threads I've read on here where 2 people move in after being together less than 2 years and the man turns out to be really lazy/ doesn't pay his way/ stinks out the bathroom. Though I do understand it does work out in some cases and everyone is happy.

I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself.

But the children you plan to create won't be able to, will they? They'll just have to live with the mess they'll have been born into. You're not being responsible.

What if you have children with her and she treats them like she does you? Putting spiders in their mouths despite arachnophobia, doing heaven knows what else to them to teach them lessons. Do you really want to do that to your child? PLEASE gamble on finding someone else! My dad was 55 when he had my sister, it's not even nearly too late for you.

Yes I fully believe she was trying to put the spider in your mouth, otherwise she wouldn't have needed to hold you down. Just hand under the spider, swoop through the thread, take spider away all without touching you.

the chances of me missing out

So you selfishly want to bring a child into this abusive relationship.
Will you be happy to see your child with low self esteem too?

No idea if she tried to put a spider in your mouth that time BUT her recent remark was plain nasty.

Stay if you like but don't bring a child into this.

And if she tries to put spiders in your possible future children's mouths? She is an abuser who you think is capable of that kind of behaviour and you would expose an innocent child to it, are you really that fucking desperate? I don't care if that sounds harsh, but do not be so selfish as to breed with anyone you even remotely suspect of being so twisted and cruel. Everything about this thread is disgusting and makes me feel sick.

my self esteem is not what it was 5 years ago.

And it'll keep plummeting as long as you stay with this woman.