AIBU to think that my DP tried to put a spider in my mouth

[Spidermouth]

OK, so this is probably going to sound nuts so I'll give a bit of background.
I have arachnophobia, I'm getting better at dealing with it and can often now be in the same room as a spider but still can't touch them. I'm early 40s so have had lots of time to work on this phobia that I accept is irrational.

I love my DP dearly, we've been together 8 years or so but we've had our problems. I don't want to dig her out but it's important for context I believe to know a tiny bit of our history.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things. During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me. I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.

Anyway, onto the incident.

I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home. I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed. BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth.

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit.

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil.

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall. She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not?

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks.

Why would you consider having children with someone so cruel and vindictive. With so many affairs you couldn't even be sure they are yours. She was trying to put the spider in your mouth. It's a power thing because she can. Run and whatever You do dont get her pregnant when she qualifies for mat pay.

I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes

No. Nobody ever deserves to be gaslighted, abused or in any way disrespected because they don’t fall into line.

Nobody can tell whether your DP was protecting you from eating the spider or was actually going to put it in your mouth, except her. However, the fact that you even think she MIGHT have done this shows that your relationship isn’t a good one. Please don’t bring children into a relationship with such massive issues. She’s a cheat and an emotional abuser, that doesn’t make for a good mother or wife. If you want children you’re lucky as there isn’t a time limit for you. If you were female then it might be relevant but you don’t need to rush it. A friend of mine split with his DW in his 40s as she didn’t want children and he did. He later met someone with her own son and then went on to have a baby with her and has the happy family he dreamed of.

If you have children with someone like this, she will use your DCs against you as another way to abuse you. Your life will be a living hell, fighting for the right to see your own child, it will make spiders in your mouth feel like a fond memory.

If she is guiding spiders into your mouth it’s not only cruel to you but also the spider.

Don’t have children with her and if you stay with her invest in a spider catcher so she can’t corral arachnids into your orifices.

This person does not love you. She does not respect you. You are a convenience for her, she is using you for money.

That you are thinking of bringing a child into this fucked up dynamic is absolutely horrifying. I feel bad enough for the dog.

You are a 40 year old man, you have plenty of time to meet someone decent and have children. Don’t ruin the rest of your life for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things

That would be two too many for me...what is she doing to prove she is working on the cause of her unfaithfulness?

During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me

Why would you want to stay with someone who has cheated on you twice, gaslighted you, belittled you and abused you...you deserve better and should end it with her and find someone better

I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes

That statement from you is very telling, you haven't made her have affairs or abuse you, gaslight you, belittle you ...that is what abusers grrom their victims to believe, so that the victim thinks they are to blame

Anyway, onto the incident, I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home

Stop being a doormat, there are plenty of people who study and work a part time job...tell her the gravy train ends today and she gets a part time job

I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed

This is worrying, why would she need to press you down on your chest to catch a spider over your mouth, surely if it's coming down over you she can reach out a hand and grab it if it was coming down near your face...why put pressure on your chest?..that would make me wonder if she was trying to harm me if I was you

BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth

If she saw it coming down, why did she wait until it was two inches from your mouth to try and catch it?

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit

She would have been believable if she hadn't made the other comments about putting the other spider in your mouth ...that makes me think she was putting it in your mouth

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil

After an affair there is no trust as she has betrayed you twice, she has no loyalty to you

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall

After affair one I would have ended it with her as the trust would have been gone ..affair two shows that whatever promises she made to keep you after affair one were all a bunch of lying shit as she had affair two...which would make me think that all the promises she made to keep you after affair two are lying shit two and there will eventually be affair three as she now knows she can cheat and you will keep taking her back

She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same

That would have been where I would have told her to go sleep in the spare room on her own, you can't sleep in a bed with someone who can do things like that to you while you are asleep...I mean if she is crazy enough to do that, what else will she do to you?

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not

You are not being unreasonable to think that...if the first incident was the only incident , maybe I would have been like "ok, she was just trying to save me from the spider"...but because of the second incident and comment that would make me think incident one with the spider when you was asleep wasn't as innocent as she wants you to think

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks

The fact that you are telling us not to tell you to leave shows that deep down you know that's what you should do even if you don't want to believe it

Well I guess if you are going to stay, you will have to eat a spider now and then. There's an interesting thread running about why people dont protect children in abusive relationships. Maybe you should have a read.

You sound as in need of help as she does. Get a grip.

@Andysbestadventure if this was a woman posting about her husband, you wouldn't say 'get a grip'. You'd say get out.

Wtaf she's sadistic please don't have kids with her unless you want to end up on the stately homes thread in 20 years time.

I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes

Wow!! Shes really done a number on you there

That's shocking,I'd have shit the bed tbh

If you can’t protect yourself and you keep yourself in this situation, you will not be able to summon the gumption to protect your children. So either don’t have children or have children with someone who loves you and will love your children. Pay the debts in her name obviously but you don’t have to have children with her. My DB left his partner of 5 years at 42 and is now 46 with 2 DC and an amazing wife. Goodness knows what his life would be like if he had stayed with his previous partner. And actually I don’t think his previous partner would have had a happy time either.

Are you a woman or a man OP? I only ask because of the body clock angle.

If you are unhappy now, it's nothing compared to how you will feel having brought innocent children into such a toxic environment.

You will be the big looser in that scenario, believe me.

So she treats the dog better than you?!?? Wow.

You need to leave.

Next time it could be rat poison in your dinner.

You already know the spider is the least of your problems, and it sounds to me like you need to leave this woman. She seems to have little respect fro you unfortunately...

You really would be a terrible person if you knowingly had children with an abusive woman, OP. But you’re intelligent sounding and you know that already.

What are you hoping to get from the thread?

I could leave her and hope to try again but honestly, I'm early 40s and the chances of me missing out is a massive factor in why I am staying.

Really?
You feel that NOT being abused, cheated on, financially suckered, lied to, & spider-mouthed would be "missing out"?

What would you be missing out on, apart from dog-walking & presumably sex, when she's not too busy shagging everyone else (please go to a clinic to get checked btw if you haven't already)?

Your age is immaterial. The only thing you are missing out on is a chance at a decent relationship with a non-abusive woman. To do that yo need to get single first. Singledom is nothing to be afraid of. If you cannot see this, please engage with a therapist. You are still wading through FOG - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

We also transferred all of our debts (6 years of University isn't cheap!) from my name to hers so she'd struggle more than I would

Diddums.
She can chalk it up to all the years of free housing, food & living expenses you have already provided.

Holy fuck.

She is a fucking psychopath.

Of you have no intention of leaving this evil bitch, then why post at all ?
You clearly know she is no good for you and she sounds absolutely bloody vile

Ffs! *if

Please don't choose to make someone like this the mother of your children, op. She sounds unbalanced at the very least.

And reading your most recent one , she could shag a man in your bed and you still wouldn’t leave because you’re in your 40’s!
You are not old , you have plenty of years left to find a nice person but she’s going to continue to treat you like dog shit because she knows you won’t do anything about it.
Please rethink